AIBU to cancel staying with in-laws when life feels too much?

[ThisSparklySwan]

I have 2 children - 22 months & 3 months. We moved house late last year and have been managing renovating and redecorating etc alongside pregnancy and 2 under 2. DH helps where he can but works long hours, overall I'm feeling like I'm doing ok managing everything at the moment.

However, there is one topic that is a recurring issue between DH and I - his parents.
Historically we always got along well with them, however I had HG during both pregnancies and there was a fairly big breakdown in communication during my first pregnancy with them not understanding why I couldn't yet be excited, pushing us to purchase baby equipment before we felt ready etc.

DH struggles to communicate openly with them, they're a family of 'brushing it all under the carpet' and there are very few honest conversations, which I can find gets very complicated. His view is I should be the one communicating with them in respect of plans to see them/them seeing the grandchildren. I think this is possibly just so he can avoid dealing with the difficult issues and logistics.

Cut to this month. I am taking both DC to stay with my parents for 3 nights without DH. It'ssomething we had planned in for a couple of months. DMIL heard about this and says she'd love for me & DC to stay with them also. I don't have any issue with this necessarily and we have pencilled in for end of this month, but being away from home for 8 days in 1 month whilst also trying to arrange decorating quotes, run the household, and parent 2 under 2 is feeling like a huge burden to me all of a sudden. Trying to cancel and explain this to DMIL without causing a 'brush under the carpet' upset feels too big for me right now, but I also feel under huge pressure and to be honest, I just don't want to go and spend 4 days with them at the moment. I know it will all be fine once I'm there but the logistics and catching up/being away from home is stressing me out.

I'm not really sure what my question is or what answers I'm hoping for, but perhaps an outsiders view on things? AIBU? Is it ok to say yes to one set of grandparents and not the other? Is it selfish to say I don't want to go, meaning they miss out on that opportunity with their grandchildren?

Deleted as I think I misunderstood the original exchange.

I have the same age gap as the Op between my kids and three months in to baby no 2 I was on my knees with exhaustion - that was without home renovations going on. Her husband should want to make her life simpler. If they must travel this month then he should at the very least join her.

I’m a MIL with 2 lovely DIL’s.

Unlike your MIL, I much prefer straight talking and I’d be perfectly happy with you going to your mum’s for a short break and not feeling like you have to treat us equally in terms of visits. My younger DIL spends a lot of weekends visiting her mum with the two little ones, which makes perfect sense to me.

To be fair, I live much further way so a visit necessitates staying for a few days.

It’s normal to want to spend more time with your own family as (depending on the relationship), you can generally chill a lot more with your own parents.

I’m sure she knows that but maybe she feels jealous?

The grandparents are supposed to be the grown up’s, not acting like bloody toddlers. If MIL is passive agressive or a sulker, let her get on with it and she might eventually realise it won’t change anything, but just annoy you a bit more.

DH essentially said 'I don't want to go', after insisting I should go.

Surely he can understand that this is ridiculously unfair and illogical? What is his reasoning when you point this out?

100% agree

Also trying to imagine a situation where a women would demand her husband visit her parents when she won't go herself...!

I love my in-laws but I would never visit them without my DH. He should manage the social pressure with his family, as I do with mine. We are a team. If I were you, I would tell DH to rearrange the date for one that suits him as well. (Sounds like he doesn't want that but oh well, sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do when you are an adult and a parent!)

Print this. Give it to your DH. Bin off this visit to the ILs. He does all IL related stuff in future.

Hi op I would go on this occasion as you have decided too. Op in future stop putting them before yourself if they have a busy social life tough on them. If they don’t fit in with your family just say oh ok maybe next time. You’re the one who is genuinely busy but you’re pandering to them and they will keep letting you. Also if your dh doesn’t want to go why should you. I certainly wouldn’t be going if he’s not bothered. Also just because you’re going to your own parents doesn’t mean they have the same visits. That’s up to their son to sort. Honestly be more assertive before they make all your decisions on your behalf you don’t owe them if they don’t put grandkids first then leave them to it.