AIBU to cancel staying with in-laws when life feels too much?

[ThisSparklySwan]

I have 2 children - 22 months & 3 months. We moved house late last year and have been managing renovating and redecorating etc alongside pregnancy and 2 under 2. DH helps where he can but works long hours, overall I'm feeling like I'm doing ok managing everything at the moment.

However, there is one topic that is a recurring issue between DH and I - his parents.
Historically we always got along well with them, however I had HG during both pregnancies and there was a fairly big breakdown in communication during my first pregnancy with them not understanding why I couldn't yet be excited, pushing us to purchase baby equipment before we felt ready etc.

DH struggles to communicate openly with them, they're a family of 'brushing it all under the carpet' and there are very few honest conversations, which I can find gets very complicated. His view is I should be the one communicating with them in respect of plans to see them/them seeing the grandchildren. I think this is possibly just so he can avoid dealing with the difficult issues and logistics.

Cut to this month. I am taking both DC to stay with my parents for 3 nights without DH. It'ssomething we had planned in for a couple of months. DMIL heard about this and says she'd love for me & DC to stay with them also. I don't have any issue with this necessarily and we have pencilled in for end of this month, but being away from home for 8 days in 1 month whilst also trying to arrange decorating quotes, run the household, and parent 2 under 2 is feeling like a huge burden to me all of a sudden. Trying to cancel and explain this to DMIL without causing a 'brush under the carpet' upset feels too big for me right now, but I also feel under huge pressure and to be honest, I just don't want to go and spend 4 days with them at the moment. I know it will all be fine once I'm there but the logistics and catching up/being away from home is stressing me out.

I'm not really sure what my question is or what answers I'm hoping for, but perhaps an outsiders view on things? AIBU? Is it ok to say yes to one set of grandparents and not the other? Is it selfish to say I don't want to go, meaning they miss out on that opportunity with their grandchildren?

Rather than cancel, ask to rearrange. Then they know you still want to see them.

Is it just me that's shocked that your husband doesn't want to go and see his parents but expects you to go - with 2 little children - by yourself?
I wouldn't go unless he was going and even then I'd reconsider this particular visit since you're already visiting your own parents.
how has this situation arisen that you have become support staff for maintaining a relationship between your children and husbands family.
It's so crazy I can't quite believe it's real.
Unless you are in the kind of relationship that means you are scared to say no to your husband? In which case that's a different issue

I would definitely be looking for some kind of compromise, either staying a shorter time, rescheduling or adding DH to the visit. 2 under 2 is very intense and the grandparents may not be adequately prepared for it. While it is good to try and be as equal as possible with both sets of grandparents, going tit for tat while both children are so small isn't the best way to go about it, particularly when DH apparently can't bear to spend time with his own parents but thinks you must.

Reading it back, I can absolutely see that.
What I want is:

• Chance to get into some kind of routine at home with both children

• All the moving boxes gone ASAP and the nursery room decorated in time for when baby is 6 months old. It's making it hard for me to feel settled in our new home.

• An enjoyable relationship with my in-laws that doesn't involve an admin headache or having to second guess what they are thinking & feeling at all times.

• Less disagreement with DH. We very rarely argue, the topic of managing his parents visits is pretty much the only thing we disagree on. (ok, sometimes he is super messy and that stresses me out. How hard is it to put laundry in the basket?! 🫠)

• To be able to enjoy my maternity leave and time with both children before I'm back to work. The childcare schedules and managing a house move whilst I was pregnant and had HG was really hard going.

• Given I will be returning to work (part-time), I don't want to take on more than I can manage alongside that.

Behave yourself! She's run ragged and getting dictated to who she has to spend time with. She's allowed some bloody agency to rearrange when shes not feeling so under the kosh with other commitments.

Hi PIL. Just letting you know im sadly going to have to put the visit on hold. DH will be in touch in a few weeks to see if he can schedule something in. Kindest regards You.

Your husband needs to be doing more and he needs to see you as an actual person with feelings rather than someone to give him the things he wants in life. If he is too busy to be a Dad, he shouldn't have created two children so close in age.

Especially as DH doesn't want to be involved in any "visiting" of his own parents. The only person they should be upset with is DH. It shouldn't solely be on you.

Set boundaries, if DH wants them to see the GC regularly then he needs to be there to facilitate that too. Not think its a way to get uou snd kids out of the house longer so he can have some peaceful days to himself...as that's what he has managed to achieve here.

I'd strongly suggest that you tell them due to circumstances you'll need to postpone. And maybe they could come to you while DH is home or he can take the eldest for the weekend.

An enjoyable relationship with my in-laws that doesn't involve [...] having to second guess what they are thinking & feeling at all times.

My tip would be to take them absolutely literally. Don't make any attempt to read between the lines or intuit the subtext.
If they don't say it loud and clear, you don't hear it.

e.g.
MIL: Do you think that café is really suitable for lunch? (hinting she wants a different one)
You: Yes of course, that is why I suggested it (take her question literally).
Don't follow up with a question of your own like "would you prefer a different one?" Leave her to say what she wants.

You are putting the burden back on them to spell out what they mean, or you will deliberately 'not get the message'.

I'm with you, it's absolutely bizarre. I wouldn't have taken my kids to see DH parents without him.
And vice versa.

I wonder how he would feel taking the kids to stay at OPs parent without her to facilitate visits.

Honestly @ThisSparklySwan I'd spend the time with the IL's and delay the trip.to my own parents who.would likely be more understanding. The payback is that your DH takes both DC overnight from 7pm to 7am when you get back. You have supper with a friend and a night's guaranteed and unbroken sleep.

That's his price for peace.

Missing from your list is:

A DH who takes responsibility for his parents and doesn't push "wife work" onto me.

You kind of covered it under 'less disagreement with DH', but to follow through on that line of thought, what do you need from him so that there is less disagreement? He needs to compromise, it can't be you giving way all the time.

i wouldn’t want to do it as well. Your dh isn’t even going to be there too. I dont understand this treating people equally just because. I would easily stay with my dps and not with my IL. My dh wouldn’t expect me to and I wouldn’t do the same with him.

At my dp’s home I relax, my mum takes care of ME too and I really have a break. That’s the difference. The equivalent of this is DH taking the kids to his parents. If he can’t do that then you shouldn’t be expected to.

Just nip it in the bud now op. Tell them that it’s a bit too much all at once and your dh can arrange something later on. Don’t get caught up doing all the pleasing everyone but yourself.

Just rearrange. Tell them that you have stuff going on at the house then that couldn't be booked for another time and you're having to work around it. And your husband is being a right dick here insisting that you go visit his parents but also not wanting to go himself. Why the fuck should you do something that he can't be bothered with himself, that's benefiting his family? He either comes with you for the days he's able to, or you don't go.

i would never expect my husband to visit my family without him. i did it once with his parents when i was young and it was the worst experience so never again. 20 years on and it still stresses me out when i think about it.

How nice for your husband to have a wife, stay at home mother of his children, home renovation project manager, domestic worker, communications adviser, and parental relationship manager all rolled into one! How much do you charge for all these services, OP?

She’s on maternity leave.

I agree with the views that your DH and PILs are being arses towards you. Just remove yourself from the relationship and tell your DH he needs to take on comms with his parents. Just don’t do it yourself even if there’s a gap in seeing them. When dates are proposed he must accompany you and his children for the visit and he should also find date that doesn’t clash with your already planned activities.

Your DH is treating you like his staff! Clearly learned experience from his parents, not just communication style but also how they treat their own family, demanding your flexibility while not being so themselves.

Only you can stand up for yourself. You don’t even need a confrontation or a speech or a discussion, just step right back as and when planning is raised. E.g. Speak to you PILs as you would normally if a visit comes up just pass on the message to your DH that his parents raised it to be better get on and plan it.

What’s your point?

Kindly, you need to find your backbone. Especially as you are on mat leave. This window will end and you will be back at work with two small children and a husband who thinks all of this is a) your job to sort and b) holds you unfairly accountable for maintaining relationships he has no interest in. Sod. That.

To DH - either you are coming with me or I am not going. End of.
To in-laws - DH will be joining us but we're coming for 2/3 days only. Farm will have to wait or be slotted into the available time.

It is NOT your problem if the in-laws have a busy schedule. If they want to see more of you as a family, they will learn in time to prioritise getting those dates in the diary before the rest of their activities. Any attempt to make you feel guilty for a 2-3 month gap should be laughed off in the spirit of "well, finding a window in your social schedule is like scheduling at the Court of St James.

Also, propose 3 different dates to reschedule the current visit. Reasons for rescheduling is that you are a breastfeeding mother who is also responsible for house renovation.

Apologise for the reschedule as you probably shouldn’t have fixed a date you couldn’t/didn’t want to do in the first place but it doesn’t mean you have to go through with it still.

Can you relax and get some sleep and lone time when you’re at PILs? If that’s the case then by all means go!

You described her as a stay at home mother - I was merely pointing out she’s on maternity leave so at home full time for a finite period.

Again, what is your point?

Also why can’t your in-laws come and see you (obviously not if that would be worse), but they could take your 2 yr old somewhere, your DH could take the baby (with you bf periodically) and you could get ahead of some of the jobs. It doesn’t have to all be on their terms.

And what does your DH say when you ask him why he expects you to visit HIS parents when he himself doesn’t want to? That’s the most bizarre part of this. Especially when his parents seem a bit overbearing and insensitive.

That you incorrectly referred to her as a stay at home mother - thought acknowledging her limited period on leave added to your original point rather than detracting!