AIBU to cancel staying with in-laws when life feels too much?

[ThisSparklySwan]

I have 2 children - 22 months & 3 months. We moved house late last year and have been managing renovating and redecorating etc alongside pregnancy and 2 under 2. DH helps where he can but works long hours, overall I'm feeling like I'm doing ok managing everything at the moment.

However, there is one topic that is a recurring issue between DH and I - his parents.
Historically we always got along well with them, however I had HG during both pregnancies and there was a fairly big breakdown in communication during my first pregnancy with them not understanding why I couldn't yet be excited, pushing us to purchase baby equipment before we felt ready etc.

DH struggles to communicate openly with them, they're a family of 'brushing it all under the carpet' and there are very few honest conversations, which I can find gets very complicated. His view is I should be the one communicating with them in respect of plans to see them/them seeing the grandchildren. I think this is possibly just so he can avoid dealing with the difficult issues and logistics.

Cut to this month. I am taking both DC to stay with my parents for 3 nights without DH. It'ssomething we had planned in for a couple of months. DMIL heard about this and says she'd love for me & DC to stay with them also. I don't have any issue with this necessarily and we have pencilled in for end of this month, but being away from home for 8 days in 1 month whilst also trying to arrange decorating quotes, run the household, and parent 2 under 2 is feeling like a huge burden to me all of a sudden. Trying to cancel and explain this to DMIL without causing a 'brush under the carpet' upset feels too big for me right now, but I also feel under huge pressure and to be honest, I just don't want to go and spend 4 days with them at the moment. I know it will all be fine once I'm there but the logistics and catching up/being away from home is stressing me out.

I'm not really sure what my question is or what answers I'm hoping for, but perhaps an outsiders view on things? AIBU? Is it ok to say yes to one set of grandparents and not the other? Is it selfish to say I don't want to go, meaning they miss out on that opportunity with their grandchildren?

They are a 2hr drive away

What on earth would be wrong with saying 8 days away in June doesn’t work well, can we (all) come [insert appropriate date].

It’s not a race!

The amount of ppl on here saying it's just tough for the in-laws . No it's not just tough they are human beings who deserve some respect and fairness just a much respect and fairness as op would give her parents and expect her partner to giver her parents ,just be kind and honest and tell them you will have to rearrange and do the next month op or ask husband to take kids and you have a break ,if you normally get along but just have different approaches to things that's fine we are all not the same no need to prove a massive point .

Personally, I'd tell them it too much right now and then I'd suggest DH visits them with the kids so they get their time and tell them to arrange with DH.
He can have some annual leave and give you a few days peace too.
If they kick up it should be on him not you.

I agree it’s unfair to favour one set of GPs over another. But also it’s unfair for your DH to put this all on your. Tough shit. It’s his family and he needs to deal with comms, arranging visits and logistics.

Staying with your own family is generally different to staying with in-laws.

The children should have the opportunity to build similar relationships with both sets of GPs if possible, allowing for distance etc. But whether that is for one parent to facilitate with both families or each parent facilitates with their own is very much up to individual circumstances. Each family has it's own dynamic.

You sound like you are doing a lot at home.

I think I would take the children to both sets of parents as planned, but hand over to DH the responsible of overseeing anything happening at home. I would see it as a complete break from the other stuff you are doing.

From what you have described, I might make my trips to parents and in-laws a fairly regular occurrence.

I somewhat agree with this. However if the OP is feeling overloaded she cannot ignore that.

I’d be more than a little bit put off about the second she heard you were going to visit your Mum it was her turn. The visit could have been at any time. I’d push right back on that if asked again in the future.

Take time to decide things like this and maybe think you are going for a day or two before responding and see how you feel about that. Use that to figure out your capacity.

My thoughts in no order....

1. You were silly to agree to it that trip this month. Tell them its too much and push it back to july. I'd personally stay 2 nights max.
2. His view is I should be the one communicating with them in respect of plans to see them/them seeing the grandchildren. ...but yet he can tell them about you visiting your parents...🤔
3. If you dont set out how you want things to go now you'll be trapped for a long time
4. You take the kids to see your parents solo in my mind mean he should take the kids to see his parents solo.
5. Just do a group WA for sharing kids pics. Everyone gets the same fucking pictures.
6. You have a dh problem. He sounds selfish amd avoidant and ill bet he wants to blame you for not absorbing everything rather than manage his parents or look at his own behaviour.

Thanks all, it's been helpful to read your responses.

• PIL live a 2hr drive away, there is no plan for DH to join us. I had suggested we all go for just the weekend, but PIL were not happy with this (they want to take 2 year old to the farm) and DH essentially said 'I don't want to go', after insisting I should go. This is the cause of a lot of my frustration around this visit!
• My youngest is exclusively breastfed, so DH cannot take both without me. He could take the 2 year old and I definitrly won't rule this out for future, but I don't think now would be a good time for that. She has been very clingy to me and rejecting of DH in the past couple of months since baby's arrival.
• Given I have made the plans already (albeit, under pressure from DH and DMIL rather than choice!) I am thinking I will go this time but potentially for 3 days instead of 4.
• Moving forwards, I plan to take a step back from planning visits for my in-laws. If it was straightforward, I wouldn't necessarily have a problem doing this. However it causes a lot of stress for me. DH wants them to visit frequently, but PIL often make all their other social plans before factoring us in - meaning it's often a choice of their 1 available date, or a 2-3 month gap in seeing them. This often leads to me changing my own plans around. This is what happened with the current dates. Their availability was this month (same month I'm already visiting my parents) or August/September. In hindsight, perhaps I should have just gone in September!

Another one for rescheduling rather than cancelling, as you’ve “got carried away and now you’ve realised the practicalities of being away from home for that long in quick succession, is just too much “

I had suggested we all go for just the weekend, but PIL were not not happy with this and DH essentially said 'I don't want to go', after insisting I should go. This is the cause of a lot of my frustration around this visit!

In case you don't already know....This is very very strange behaviour. I dont know any families like this bar one. In that instance the parents and child are NC and the spouse take the GC over...

I suggest you directly liaise with in laws on dates they visit you going forward and inform dh post fact. This is contrary to MN wisdom but I was getting shafted (similar to you now) letting "dh deal with his family" so I do it directly... i book it out in advance say 2 days not 4 etc. and can manage my weekends a lot better.

Talk to them on this upcoming trip about autumn and christmas and lock in dates now

I have two DILs and I'm not in MIL's shoes because I'm not an over-bearing nightmare who has brought up sons who think that it's OK to out-source their relationship with their mothers to their wives/partners.

One of my DILs is very close to her own family and they all do a lot together. That's fine with me. I have a very good relationship with her, she is a great partner for my son and a lovely mother to my grand-daughter.

If they won’t change plans, why should you?
Find mutually convenient dates. You aren’t in a rush to see them anyway.

OP, this has made me so cross on your behalf. It sounds like you are trying so hard to accommodate everyone and facilitate the relationships, but nobody is trying to meet you halfway.

Please don't feel bad about putting yourself first. You're a mum to two very young children, it is so important that you don't bend over backwards trying to please everyone else. Your focus should be your wellbeing and your kids' wellbeing.

After reading about them putting other plans ahead of you (and by extension, your convenience) I'd drop the rope with the in laws and personally I wouldn't feel bad about it either.

There availability isn't on uou though. From now on offer up dates and if it doesn't suit them then it's on them to arrange. Stop rearranging your life around them.
If they want yo visit and see Grandbabies they need to fit around you.

A simple sorry that doesn't work for me, I have these dates free.

Also let DH sort it ftom now. It shouldn't all be on you.

The posts that suggest that DH take the DC to see his family are a bit bizarre. Did you not spot that the second child is only 3 months old?

OP has started this story 'late last year' with the pregnancy and house move. What happened before that, when there was only one DC? Were GP treated equally then or have you always favoured your side?

It’s a bit rich for your DH to say he doesn’t want to go 😹. He doesn’t get to opt out in this situation

Book I. A vaccine appointment for one of your children, even theoretically. Then DHA can take the kids when the are old enough r be without you. Going altogether on a weekend is fine. DH just wanted 3 nights leave to himself

OP is a person.

She is a person under a lot of pressure at the moment and her DH has bloody delegated communications with his own parents to her.

Honestly @ThisSparklySwan it was a huge mistake to let your DH get away with this and I would be handing it straight back to him. It is also fine for you to feel more comfortable staying alone with the children with your own parents than with his. “Fairsies” is him staying with his parents with or without the children.

You need to stand up for yourself more and just tell them that while it was a kind offer from them, you shouldn’t have agreed to it and it’s too much, particularly so close to having spent days away at your parents.

Your DH is a cheeky fucker.

There's an awful lot in your last post about what other people want and very little about what you want. It sounds like you're expected to work around everyone else with no consideration for yourself. Put a stop to that now before it becomes so ingrained that you think it's normal.

When that time comes I won’t be expecting my dil to facilitate visits I’d be expecting my son to be a man and want to visit us with his children and not put all responsibility onto his wife.

as a dil with children I wouldn’t even think to visit mil without dh with us.

I think it is a shame you can’t just suck it up and do the visit to in laws seeing as you’ve agreed to it. If it was me I’d do it and learn from my mistake as in don’t arrange to be away too much in a short space of time.
If you insist on cancelling then make sure you reschedule in the same conversation as I think this may go some way to mitigating their disappointment.

Why doesn’t he want to see his parents? Given he doesn’t, can he explain why you and the children apparently should?

I hope you feel the majority of the replies are validating your position.

As for the posters berating you for being unfair, it’s odd they’re not bothered about blaming your husband for not wanting a relationship with his family while making it your job.

I don’t think you need to do this trip. If you cancel what’s the worst that’ll happen? You’re an adult, you’re a parent, you’re in charge of your time, not your weird husband or his mum and dad.

This is spot on. You need to prioritise yourself

This has to stop. Your DH has got to take responsibility for the relationship. They are HIS parents and don’t sound that easy. In all my time with my partner he has arranged every visit, bought every card and present and dealt with everything to do with my in laws. You have a lot on your plate, no way should this be your “job” too.

Plus what is his logic for why YOU should go when he doesn’t want to? Completely selfish and manipulative (oh but they want to see the kids).

And, to top it off, it sounds like the in-laws are just being competitive.

The one point I don’t agree with you on is that your 2 yr old shouldn’t go on their own with your DH. Yes they may be clingy but they would likely be fine after a couple of hours. Then you could have some 1-1 time with the 2 yr old once they come back and DH can take the baby. Plus it gives your DH an insight into how hard it is being away from home with young kids, and in the future you can just refer requests for visits straight to him (“Oh I am not sure what we are up to that weekend- have you checked with Dave?”).