To be so pissed off I can’t sleep.

[Emotionstorn]

Context. Me and DD’s father met in 2017. DD
born 2019.

Broke up last year. Reconciling.

Durinf the relationship I put myself on the back burner, we only did stuff if I paid, I bought him clothes etc. he works full time. I paid all the bills.

We live apart now but have been seeing each other and coparenting. Reconciling to an extent.

I get 200 a month CSA. He doesn’t have DD overnight.
He still gets treats off me etc. Has been hounding me to sort DD’s passport out as she’s never been abroad.
I paid the fee. We went to the cinema on Friday paid for by me.
I put petrol in his car. I also do not have a lot of time to myself and virtually no social life as we coparent he doesn’t have DD alone.

He’s messaged me today saying he’s in Benidorm with his friend. I didn’t know anything about this.

I am so upset and hurt.
I know im gonna get harsh comments. I had a very angry dad and an overly critical self absorbed mum so my views on relationships have been skewed. Most men I’ve dated have had issues. I put up with it because I don’t know anything different.

AIBU to be fucking angry at him and myself!
Please give me a shake.

The Netherlands could work too. The Efteling theme park is great for a 9/10 year old (fairy tale themed), Amsterdam looks cute, their autumn half term is usually before the UK (12-23 Oct) so it'll be quiet. Similar weather to Berlin. Berlin food/accommodation cost are probably cheaper though.

Never, ever buy that wanker anything again. Spend that love and money on your daughter - or put it in a savings account.

This isn't about having the worst luck in relationships. You are choosing this relationship. You know what he's like and you are still ploughing ahead. That's not bad luck. That's making a bad choice. Stop sabotaging yourself.

OP when you try to buy Love all you really get is Contempt.

Spend some money on getting therapy to unpick the damage you have from your Mum.

He will try and charm his way back into your life because he wants your money.

You will attract these awful people because you signal your neediness. It will happen again until you get your MH sorted.

Do it for your child if not for yourself.

This. You can’t change the past, but you can change life for the future.

Your daughter deserves a better example than the one you are showing her.

Dump him, stop wallowing, get a grip, and stop being a doormat. Just concentrate on your daughter.

Yes, CBT and ACT may well both help you. You can start with looking at some online resources. There's plenty out there, dating from 2020 and the pandemic, when so much was invested on online material being available.

When you are ready to learn to better manage those 'tense and unbearable' feelings that seem to be sabotaging your life, a technique called EMDR might be very helpful. Worth a look.

And good luck, @Emotionstorn. You deserve a break. Make sure you have all the twat's work details, NI number etc, to make your CMS claim. Mine took 5 weeks from first claim to first payment. It was double what I was getting before.

First of all stop bankrolling this loser. Dont entertain him. Dont let him into your home. Get your child mantainence sorted out and also his parental access into a strict routine. Dont communicate with him at all except child related issues. Get out there start living again

I’ve got 3 missed no caller id’s from 5am and 6am. Must’ve been drunk.

Just what I need. I can’t block no caller IDs either as my GP and hospital uses them.

I am older than you now but I was your daughter when I was a child. I can describe to you in vivid detail the day my mum stopped trying to reconcile and put me first. From then on, my life was entirely different and for the better.

Any communication between the two of them was through a third party so it couldn’t escalate or manipulate. Before that day, everything that put the two of them together did one or the other and often both - escalation and manipulation - and I was left in the middle of it. It made the world very, very difficult to understand because it normalised things that should not be normal. I assumed all families played mind games, all women had zero self esteem and never stood up for themselves, all children with split up parents were waiting for this magic day when they would resolve all their arguments and live together in a happy family. The patterns your daughter is witnessing are forming her opinion of how the world works. Do you want her to think a woman’s role in life is to just answer yes to men no matter what? I am sure you do not.

Stick with the decision you’ve made right now. Do not waver. You say you are a people pleaser, but it’s impossible to please all of the people all of the time. Choose the most important person in this situation: put your daughter’s needs first. Bonus: in setting things right for her, you will also make steps for yourself.

Yes CBT can most CERTAINLY help with low self esteem and feeling you must please people. Yes, yes, and yes. It will take time and it may take trying a few different people if you don’t gel well, but it really will help. (Also can I just say I think the suggestion to use AI as a sort of free therapist was well intentioned, but it is not a strong choice in your situation. AI is trained to be a sort of mirror and programmed to be a people pleaser actually! It’s not going to push you to positive change if you keep talking to it without a lot of confidence, and there is proof there is nowhere near enough safeguarding in place with AI to keep it giving you safe advice. Please try to use real people - a mix of professionals and friends would be ideal.)

Do you have other adults in your life who are supportive and affirming? Family? Friends? The kind of person you can check in with daily? That could really help you stay on the path to building your confidence and creating a strong role model for your daughter in this new, secure era of your life. They could also give you the communication with adults you need in your life so you are less likely to fall back to your ex or jump into a new relationship too quickly. If you don’t have people in your life that fit this description, think about where in your life you might find them. It really is possible to make new friends as an adult - you just have to make an effort rather than a teacher putting you next to a new bestie in the seating plan. :)

I promise you my life was so much better from my mum drawing that line and sticking to that decision. I don’t think it was ever easy for her! But that little girl grew up adjusting that world view to one that was far healthier and learned, with a little trial and error, how to be part of a functioning relationship, and didn’t repeat the process for another generation. You will have hard days but your daughter is worth it. x

I was shocked at how quick CMS was. I filled out the forms online and by the morning he had an email about it and within about a week or so we had the calculations. Absolutely do it OP. Also stop funding him. I know it’s hard but imagine an upside down pyramid. Right now you give your most DD and the middle to him and the tiny point to yourself. Give your daughter and you the main bits and knock him off altogether. He’s not worth it. He won’t change. You are in control of your own destiny.

I’m sorry @Emotionstorn he is a scumbag user. Don’t let him take advantage of you.

Don’t buy him anything. Don’t do anything with him at all - not even with DD. Stop letting him use you as his bank account.

If need be, limit contact to one of those parenting apps and, as others suggest, make sure you are getting the maximum from him.

He sounds vile and will be a terrible role model for DD.

I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with him.

You need to refocus. You are not a happy family and sadly you will never be, not with him anyway. So focus on giving your daughter the best life as a single parent. Forget reconciling - I suspect that was in your head but not his. He clearly doesn't want to be in your lives full time, he's just doing enough to keep you around, get money from you and avoid paying child support. Be clear with him that the relationship is over, stop entertaining hime, and do not give him anything. He can take dd to the park if he can't afford to take her out, you should only pay for days out etc for the two of you. The only contact that you need to have with him is about your daughter.

My god.

girl, keep that anger & never let it subside towards that actual waste of space. Do not spend another penny on that man.

do not reconcile, he is using you for money.

this is not a co-parenting relationship, its a cluster fuck!!

Time to get a parenting app for communication, when he comes back, you need to draw up a schedule for splitting care of your child. Check the CMA website, if it says you should get more, get your maintenance there.

He is paying you £200 but getting back so much more, watch he doesn’t stop paying when you cut him off.

I’m pissed off on your behalf!!

@Emotionstorn why are you buying him treats? He’s not a dog. He is a parent. He can find time with his child on his watch. Just cut him out. Do not reconcile with this. Absolute waste of space.

Oh, OP 💐

You don't need us telling you he's a user, a loser, etc and that you need to kick him out of your life. But as someone who has also struggled with boundaries, for similar reasons, I know how hard it is in the moment to put your foot down. I think people who are wired up more "normally" can really struggle to understand just how impossible this feels.

I once read something about having grown up understanding that love requires you to put in massive effort in order to get something, anything, in return. This is a really hard pattern to break and it doesn't happen overnight.

It's such a cliché to say that the person you really need to love is yourself. For me, maintaining boundaries could only mean one thing: avoiding people who take advantage of my kindness. I knew I was never going to master the subtle art of sticking up for myself. This resulted in a very solitary life for many years.

I'm now happily married, to someone who always looks out for me and has my back. It took me years to get used to this. But the only reason he's in my life is that by the time I met him, I'd grown to enjoy my life alone so much that the last thing I wanted was someone throwing a spanner in the works.

It's not a popular view, but I'd echo @Hollycoco in recommending AI (I use Copilot) to talk things through, validate your feelings and start recognising patterns.

Don't be ashamed of being "weak." You are kind and competent. Build from that understanding, and stop putting yourself in situations that hurt you and erode your sense of self. Protect and nurture that sense of self. Give it all the attention and nourishment you normally send outwards to people like him. He doesn't deserve it. You do. Start now.

It’s just thrown me off today. I don’t really have friends anymore and I don’t have the free time for hobbies to meet people. Not consistently anyway.

But I am also introverted.

Lesson learnt, don’t feel bad about it. It sounds like you were trying to do best for your daughter. Going forward you know what you need to do, don’t be too hard on yourself.

I also have the annoying ND trait of a strong sense of justice. So my minds just looping over and over this.
My self esteem’s in the toilet. Always has been since I was a child. I can’t tell you one thing I’m good at, but I can tell you 100 of my faults.

I am the same. I ended up doing the freedom program last year and it has really helped me realise that you can’t fix people and that you don’t have to try. You are more important.

You are a backup when there is no one else, when you realise this and don’t accept it, you’ll be able to move on.

You are not responsible to plug the gap for his inadequacies. Don't prop him up with money. Focus on u and your daughter. If he says he can't take her out unless u give him the money- don't succumb. If your daughter does not have as many nice experiences, that's ok. It's better all round if u are not feeling resentment .

Find a counsellor who specialises in working with ND clients, invest your money on that.

CBT was life changing for me. It’s basically talking therapy but it can be a difficult process sometimes because you have to be honest with yourself in identifying problem behaviours and then examining the thought processes responsible for them, and looking at ways in which you can often be the one putting obstacles in the way of what you want/need without actually realising it.

The idea is that your thoughts, feelings and actions are connected, and CBT is designed to equip you with lifelong coping skills by breaking the cycle of negative thoughts and feelings leading to these problem behaviours. You need to be prepared to face up to issues and take practical steps - for example, setting small, manageable goals and exposing yourself to situations that can be triggers for you, and learning strategies to cope.

OP start by googling CBT - there are many articles available online and then maybe approach your GP to see if there are any self referral services in your area. If not, then there are services available online. There are a couple of links below to get you started.

https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/

https://www.moodcafe.co.uk/further-resources/online-counselling-cbt/

CBT was life changing for me. It’s basically talking therapy but it can be a difficult process sometimes because you have to be honest with yourself in identifying problem behaviours and then examining the thought processes responsible for them, and looking at ways in which you can often be the one putting obstacles in the way of what you want/need without actually realising it.

The idea is that your thoughts, feelings and actions are connected, and CBT is designed to equip you with lifelong coping skills by breaking the cycle of negative thoughts and feelings leading to these problem behaviours. You need to be prepared to face up to issues and take practical steps - for example, setting small, manageable goals and exposing yourself to situations that can be triggers for you, and learning strategies to cope.

OP start by googling CBT - there are many articles available online and then maybe approach your GP to see if there are any self referral services in your area. If not, then there are services available online. There are a couple of links below to get you started.

https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/

https://www.moodcafe.co.uk/further-resources/online-counselling-cbt/

How do you do the freedom programme

Don’t let him play that game - it is him, not you. He didn’t tell you because he knew how outrageous and way beyond unreasonable it is for him to do this. Put the spotlight on his behaviour, not yours. You’re just getting on with being a great mum. Sounds like you’ll be able to do that even better without him in your life - other than him starting to pay you more than £50 a week to support his own daughter!