AIBU to think my friend's reaction over trip costs is bizarre?

[mendocino22]

Not sure where/how to even post this, but here goes. Names changed for obvious reasons. My friend (Jane) wanted to do a trip - with me and another girl (Sarah). So three of us.

Sadly, Sarah's father died just over a week ago. It was unexpected and a huge shock. The father lives abroad.

I suggested cancelling/postponing the trip which is in 4 weeks time.

Sarah said that me and Jane should go since we'd all paid for it etc... (Sarah had already paid her share of the accommodation/villa).

Obviously, I don't expect Sarah to be out of pocket - and we are within the cancellation window - where we can cancel without any fees. Jane wants to still go on the trip (just me and her).

I said to Jane that she and I could just get a hotel instead of this villa - since a hotel is a lot easier when there's two of you. She said 'no' and remains completely set on this villa.

I said I'd obviously be happy to pay more given Sarah wasn't coming (since her father died). Jane said she wouldn't be happy to pay extra.

In short; I said I'd be happy to pay for Sarah's share entirely. So basically, I'd pay 2/3 and Jane would pay 1/3 even though there'd just be two of us now.

I said this because Sarah only last week had to pay for a last minute flight since her father doesn't live in the UK and had to rush out of the country.

Jane took this to mean that Sarah was getting a 'good deal' and said if Sarah was getting her share of the accommodation paid for - I should cover Jane's too. Her reasoning for this was because the trip was her (Jane's) idea, she'd done all the planning, restaurant reservations etc... so she felt like she'd done all the legwork.

But to me, why would Sarah be getting a 'good deal' when she wouldn't be paying for a villa she's not staying at?! Also, her father just died!

AIBU to think this is bizarre from Jane?! This is such petty behaviour.

What a chancer. I would not feel comfortable to go on holiday with this person. I would cancel and go alone or with a different friend.

Jane is a piss taker and I'd review the friendship as this must show itself in other ways

I think you definitely need to push to cancel . Say you’ve given further consideration and it doesn’t feel right to you to be going away without Sarah at this time. No way do you want yourself stuck in a situation where it’s just you and Jane.

Obviously tell her to cancel but prepare yourself for her possibly effectively keeping your payment and staying solo at the Villa.

Your bigger issue is that you have allowed Jane to manipulate you in the first place by offering to pay Sarah's share when, in fact, it would be cheaper to cancel and book separate accomodation. Is this a routine process for you and Jane - you accomodate her selfishness? i think you need to draw some sharp lines here.

I'd cancel the entire trip and, as you are in the window, tell Jane in writing that you will not be paying. If you have already paid some or all of it, you may need to be prepared to lose that.

Insist you cancel and get your money back. Go away with Sarah when she’s up to it. Leave Jane - she sounds like a right witch.

You are doing the right thing by Sarah. But I think you were far too generous by Jane paying 2/3rds for a villa when you’d rather the hotel.

Jane has shown herself as grabby, mean-spirited and unkind. I’d cancel the holiday and drop her like a stone. You can arrange something with Sarah once she’s feeling up to it.

Cancel it

That’s just nasty. No Jane, I am not paying for you. I offered to pay for Sarah because you won’t cancel the villa and go for a cheaper hotel and HER FATHER DIED! I do not want to go away with you now as your attitude is appalling. Please cancel the villa or find someone else to go with you, we are in the period where is is free to cancel so as don’t owe you anything. Please confirm that this has been done.

I would cancel the whole thing and use the money to go on a nice break with just Sarah once shes had a bit of time.

I’d get on to the group chat with both friends and say you’re wanting to cancel and ask what you need to do to make sure it happens in the no penalty window. This is unreasonable and selfish behaviour from your friend and I’d not personally want to spend valuable holiday time with someone like that.

God, don't go. Tell Jane you don't want to pay for the whole villa - or stay with her on your own - and that she needs to cancel and refund you both. She's not a friend, she's just some grabby chancer.

Also, if Jane refused to pay any extra for the villa - how did she think it was going to get paid for without Sarah? She just wasn't going to refund Sarah, was she? God she sound vile.

It’s clearly Jane 👀

There are 2 issues here. First, Sarah should be using her travel insurance cover her costs. Second, Jane isn’t a very nice person,

I think now say you are unwilling to go (make up an excuse if you have to ) and insist on the trip being cancelled

Jane sounds awful, I wouldn’t want to be spending an hour with her let alone a weeks holiday!

Id say the friendship with Jane should be terminated. She sounds bizarre and so selfish you'd think she was suffering from psychosis or something? Telling you the woman who isn't coming any more and has just lost her dad is getting a 'good deal'? Why are agreeing to pay two thirds? That is preposterous as well tbh.

You should pay nothing and not go. And never speak to Jane again.

What have you actually paid already?

Could there be a language barrier? Or something agreed between Sarah and Jane that you don't know about (maybe Sarah was going to pay part of Jane's costs as a thank you for planning, and now she can't?) I'd be inclined to tell Jane that

(1) your preference, as stated, was to cancel the villa and stay at a hotel

(2) Jane felt strongly about keeping the villa; due to deference of her local knowledge and the fact that she had done the planning you agreed, expecting that each of you would take on half of Sarah's cost since she has a very good reason why she can't go AND it's the choice to go on the trip just the two of you instead of rescheduling AND the choice to keep the villa rather than switching to a hotel that causes Sarah to "owe" anything at all, since the trip could be cancelled for a full refund. (It's unethical to expect or ask Sarah to pay anything).

(3) Jane now says she cannot pay half of what Sarah's portion of the villa would have been, therefore you have offered to pay that part in full. Jane is getting half the villa that she wants for 1/3 of the cost while you are getting 1/2 of the villa -which you don't want because you prefer a hotel - for 2/3 of the cost. That is a pretty good deal for Jane.

(4) tell her that if she had made it clear up front that she expected to be partially subsidised for her work in planning, you might have considered it, but it is unfair and uncomfortable for her to demand this after the fact.

(5) I'd urge Jane to cancel, if you haven't paid yet. Unless you've paid 100% of your share and the extra for Sarah's I doubt she's going to refuse to cancel. If you decide to go, I'd say all bets off on the villa and it's a hotel or nothing; you'll likely want to keep as much autonomy from Jane as you can.

ps. Cancel the frienship.

What? Why on earth did you offer to pay for Sarah's share? Especially when you didn't want to go to the villa. Just cancel it. No one can make you do something you don't want to. I would probably cancel the holiday altogether too - no one wants to go on holiday with someone as entitled and rude as Jane.

Just cancel. You're not going to enjoy a holiday with this woman now after all this, so best to cancel and start with a fresh slate.

Have you paid your share yet? If not I would tell Jane that you're not going and won't be paying her anything so she'd better cancel it if she doesn't want to be caught for the whole bill 💁

first post nails it. Cancel everything, including your friendship with Jane.

It's not clear if both you and Sarah have fully paid up front? If you haven't, happy days, tell Jane you've changed your mind and can't/don't want to come, so up to her if she goes herself with someone else or whatever she wants, but you won't be paying a penny. If she doesn't refund Sarah then that's her issue.

If you've paid for yourself I'd still probably cut my losses and rather lose the money than go on holiday with Jane - however if you don't want to then go, don't pay more than your third and send Sarah her half directly in cash. Again up to Jane if she doesn't want to do the same, but you've still paid less than you were going to, and sounds like Sarah is prepared to lose the full payment so you covering half will be appreciated.

What she and Jane do between them isn't your problem.

she probably overcharged you both and don’t want to lose out her profit. I bet the two of you were subsidising her share/ cost of the trip

I would cancel in writing
confirming it's within the cancellation period

and I wouldn't pay a penny towards any of it, because you cancelled on time
OR
that I demand a full refund from her.