Won some money, AIBU?

[chochobnob1]

Each month, I allow myself £20 to play slots on an online gambling site. It’s only ever £20.

Friday night, I was playing and won the jackpot which was £1000.

I have a 3 year old and 10 month old.

DH and I run our own business. We live comfortably, very fortunate to be able to afford a holiday abroad once a year, we can afford our bills and food shopping, the kids clothes, birthdays and Christmases (within reason, we don’t spend thousands, 3 year old has £100 limit for Christmas and same for birthday). 10 month old will have the same, probably only £50 for first birthday due to it all being a bit pointless when he doesn’t understand, that’s what we did with DD for her first but anyway I’m rambling, you catch my drift.

Saturday morning, I told him I won the money. I transferred him £100 to pay for the airport parking (we go away next week), £150 to treat himself to some new trainers as he wants some smart ones he can wear out instead of his work ones. I also transferred £200 into our savings. £100 into each child’s savings accounts.

I then said that I’m going to treat my self to tear trough filler due to it being a madejce insecurity of mine (very dark circles and hollow). I’m 34 for reference and I have Botox twice a year (the lady I go to is a Dr and I wouldn’t let just anyone near my face with botox/filler etc). I never buy myself new clothes unless it’s a special occasion like a wedding etc.

I stopped getting my nails done 2 months ago because he moaned about the cost every 3 weeks (£28 plus £8 for eyebrow wax).

This blew up into a big argument once kids had gone to bed, he said that something that really hurt me “I’m not being funny but you don’t contribute financially or work”. This really upset me, if I went back to work I’d be paying my whole wage on nursery fees for my youngest so we agreed when we decided to try for a second baby that I would stay home for 2 years like I did with my daughter and then to back to work.

I’m feeling like I’m less than him because I don’t earn money, I feel like I’m not entitled to treat myself out of my winnings.

He’s doubling down and giving me the silent treatment today. He didn’t like it last night when I told him I’m a 34 year old woman and can do exactly what I like. He said I should have discussed it with him before booking in.

To be clear, our bills are up to date and no debt other than a couple of credit cards including a business one but they’re always paid off each month and no issues there.

Why does he need to cut his hours? Families manage with children and work full time.

I’m assuming you have say in what you spend money on though? So can pay for beauty treatments if you’re the type, hobbies, etc. OP has had to stop that, so this is her opportunity to pay for things her DH otherwise would say no to

He’s behaving like an absolute brat & someone really needs to read him the riot act . We all know how exhausting it is to keep a house running smoothly with all that entails along with the kids . For him to say u are not contributing is just an absolute joke . In future if u win anything don’t spend a penny on that overgrown toddler , save it for u & the kids .

Exactly.

Right now he has you working for free in the business and the home. So either he pays you properly for the work you do in the business and you get 50/50 shares in it (more tax efficient too). Or he does/pays for his half of the childcare and housework and you work out of the home.

So many men are like this, they want it both ways!

To be honest, I can kind of see where he’s coming from. If I was shouldering the entire financial burden for the family and my DP won a thousand pounds I’d rather we sat down as a family and at least had a chat about it. It sounds like he’s not bothered about £150 trainers and sees cosmetic treatments as expensive and unnecessary. You seem to throwing the money around like Lady Bountiful and now it sounds like most of it is gone. Of course, it’s your money and you can spend it how you like, but I do have some sympathy for him - and I’m not surprised he’s pissed off.

In your shoes I’d get a job. Only half your salary goes on childcare as he’d be paying too. You’d have your own money and contributions to your pension, along with greater likelihood of career progression.

@chochobnob1 if you said "If you think I dont contribute financially, you owe me £X for your work van and you are no longer allowed to drive MY car?" what do you think he would say? I am guessing "That's different", even though it isnt!

He sounds like a selfish prick really. So you dont get your nails or eyebrows done but you paid hor his van??you spend your own money on the gambling not my thing but whatever? You look after 2 of his kids do the majority of the grunt work and hepl out in the business then he sulks if he cant get his way? Would he get upset if you spent £20 on books or makeup? Are you allowed to have any independence at all.

He's a killjoy and doesn't appreciate you or your generosity. Get back to work as soon as you can, and don't give him anything else.

He has a point.

I would send him an invoice for all the household chores you do, research it and add in the costs if he was to pay for all these services!

From reading the OPs posts she’s working for her husband’s business for free and using her own savings to pay for things like cosmetic treatments, she’s hardly being “kept”. Especially when she is paying for his work equipment (van) which he could claim back from his own business.

I take it you missed the bit where she paid for the van he needs to run his business, paid for the family car and provides free child care so he can run said business.....

I would be asking for my £150 back as new trainers are not a necessity.

I might also send him a bill for housekeeping, cooking, and childcare.
How dare he.

He’s being unreasonable on this occasion about the winnings because you actually gave him £250 in total , then put aside £200 in family savings then a further £200 between kids savings accounts .
So only a third left for you .

Wow MN is awful sometimes. How dare a grown woman use her own money to occasionally treat herself and then share her money with her family. What a bitch 🙄

OP if you want to go back to work you need to be on the payroll and then you can get the funding for childcare.

Only one of those things brings in the money for things like, oh, you know, the mortgage, gas & electricity, cars, food, the kids' clothes, stuff like that....

I can’t work out how you don’t do paid work and everything for the family is paid for from the joint account, which comes from DH earnings alone, but you keep your inheritance and winnings separate. Shouldn’t it be in the joint account? So if DH inherited or won the jackpot would he keep that separate too?

He can only work full time because you are at home doing all this. It really fucks me off when men say “oh you contribute nothing financially” when in actual fact the only reason they have good salaries and pensions is because of the woman staying at home!!
there has actually been case law in divorces where judges have not penalised the sahm as the understand the man can only be successful because the woman is at home.
i digress but to answer your question i don’t think you are in the wrong and i’d be explaining the above to him, cheeky fucker.

But I don’t understand that. Lots of families have 2 parents working full time. They learn to cover things between the 2 of them. Obviously she does more at the moment but there is no indication that he would to step up if they had to share the load. My husband and I have always managed to juggle the housework and childcare between us without any issue and we both have busy careers

You're bonkers!

The op spends ONLY £20 a month on an activity she enjoys ffs. I spend considerably more than that on my gym membership.

She DOES work. Being a SAHM doesn't mean you are never allowed any downtime or entertainment.

My dad used to speak to my mum like this and I couldn't stand him for it. Parenthood is graft. Looking back, I believe my mum had more on her plate than my prick of a dad who worked a paid job and then acted like a martyr. It's a very boring narrative men set up to undermine the huge work that is raising a family and looking after the home.
Don't tolerate this crap from him, he should be treating you to your nails done etc, you're the mother of his kids looking after everything and he's being a spoiled brat. You were very generous with him! He's got a bloody nerve x

Tell him you want that £150 back.

So out of £1,000 you kept £350 for yourself. If you win again, don't tell him, put it into a bank account of your own. In my opinion what you did was fair. He had what he wanted, kids have had some so you do what you want with your bit, I say bit, because kids have 100 each, leaving 800, youve got 350 not 400. In future don't tell him. He got you pregnant and agreed for you to have 2 years off work. As kids grow out of clothes sell them if he asks why say I'm earning money so you can stop moaning.

@chochobnob1 you don't have to justify yourself self to pompous and judgemental people on here.

Personally I wouldn't spend money on beauty treatments - I think it's a waste. But who am I to judge you when I spend something like £40 a week on alcohol (I like fine wines). Plenty of people on here would criticise me for that, but I don't have to answer to them.

Your DH is, at best, being pretty unkind to you and doesn't seem to value your input to the family. I agree with other posters that you need to get back into work - let him pay his share of the nursery fees and start to take on half of the household and child-caring tasks too.

You make it sound like DH's money is family money and you get a large say in how it gets spent, and your money is your money, where DH gets no say at all in how you spend it, because it's your money.
Why didn't you tell your DH when you first won the money and discuss with him how you both think it should have been spent?
Even when you paid for the airport parking, you say that this means more money can be put into savings.
Why isn't your inheritance joint money?