Won some money, AIBU?

[chochobnob1]

Each month, I allow myself £20 to play slots on an online gambling site. It’s only ever £20.

Friday night, I was playing and won the jackpot which was £1000.

I have a 3 year old and 10 month old.

DH and I run our own business. We live comfortably, very fortunate to be able to afford a holiday abroad once a year, we can afford our bills and food shopping, the kids clothes, birthdays and Christmases (within reason, we don’t spend thousands, 3 year old has £100 limit for Christmas and same for birthday). 10 month old will have the same, probably only £50 for first birthday due to it all being a bit pointless when he doesn’t understand, that’s what we did with DD for her first but anyway I’m rambling, you catch my drift.

Saturday morning, I told him I won the money. I transferred him £100 to pay for the airport parking (we go away next week), £150 to treat himself to some new trainers as he wants some smart ones he can wear out instead of his work ones. I also transferred £200 into our savings. £100 into each child’s savings accounts.

I then said that I’m going to treat my self to tear trough filler due to it being a madejce insecurity of mine (very dark circles and hollow). I’m 34 for reference and I have Botox twice a year (the lady I go to is a Dr and I wouldn’t let just anyone near my face with botox/filler etc). I never buy myself new clothes unless it’s a special occasion like a wedding etc.

I stopped getting my nails done 2 months ago because he moaned about the cost every 3 weeks (£28 plus £8 for eyebrow wax).

This blew up into a big argument once kids had gone to bed, he said that something that really hurt me “I’m not being funny but you don’t contribute financially or work”. This really upset me, if I went back to work I’d be paying my whole wage on nursery fees for my youngest so we agreed when we decided to try for a second baby that I would stay home for 2 years like I did with my daughter and then to back to work.

I’m feeling like I’m less than him because I don’t earn money, I feel like I’m not entitled to treat myself out of my winnings.

He’s doubling down and giving me the silent treatment today. He didn’t like it last night when I told him I’m a 34 year old woman and can do exactly what I like. He said I should have discussed it with him before booking in.

To be clear, our bills are up to date and no debt other than a couple of credit cards including a business one but they’re always paid off each month and no issues there.

Your partner comment is a bit worrying. Get financial advice.
Its really best thing to do while marriage is still ok. Dont tell him. Its ok to take care of yourself.

I agree 100%. That one line „you don’t contribute financially” would trigger me to find a job. Doesn’t matter that your salary would be spent on childcare. You both work the same hours, you both clean the house and cook 50/50. Then he would rethink what he said and beg you to quit your job.

It really pisses me off when men have their whole household run by their wife so that they can come back from work and relax, and they’re ungrateful to the point they tell their wives they don’t contribute. This is the reason I don’t want to be a stay at home mum. You need your own money and a career as a safety net. Not be someone’s maid for them just to say you don’t contribute. He needs to have a taste of some housework responsibilities and he will realise

The woman is much better off working though because her husband cannot dictate how the whole pot is spent because he's not the only one who earned it

Of course you work! What does he think you do all day?

He resents you whether you admit to yourself or not. This man doesn't seem.to like you very much and thinks you contribute fuck all towards anything. He's not at all grateful for the amount of work it takes to run a household with children. Go back to work as soon as you can,start looking now. Keep finances separate and pay half childcare and then wage percentage on everything else. Start to build cash savings in the house or parents house he knows nothing about you'll need it when you wake up and realise youve married a bastard

How do you know that they're unnecessary? I'd imagine that they're not to OP.

Shocked by the amount of people who see it as ‘his money’. I would never be a SAHM and would never agree for my DW to be one either as I like having money. But even I see that by not working a SAHP is saving X amount per month of childcare costs as well as doing all the grunt work. So the money being earned is just as much hers. And if he doesn’t agree then OP should 100% go back to work and keep her share of her own wage to spend on what she wants

Wouldn't be surprised if you'd chased OP off @Jellox. That was pretty judgemental. So it seems that OP should be knocked into place for not being in a 'job' and earning, but running a home and bringing up two children?

I can assure you that that isn't the easy route. Been there and done it, with 3 children.

Pretty harsh.

🙄🙄

just because you don’t agree with what she is spending on doesn’t mean he isn’t acting like a dick. What do you deem “worthy” - what if it was an inheritance to spend on herself and she was spending it on a night away with a pal or a clothes refresh? He is also wrong to say she doesn’t contribute, she allows him to work by providing all childcare, he doesn’t get to tell her she doesn’t contribute and what to spend her winnings on! She even shared it out between them as a family.

Well he has burned his bridges. Never tell him about a win again. The cheek of him.

This. You can’t rely on a man to “keep” you, then complain things aren’t fair. Children and finances are joint responsibility.

If you run your own business together, then how do you not work? Even if you do the accounts while he provides a service, that is still work that generates income. And yes, obviously you do work anyway, just not for pay, as you have two children.

Yes I do, client and customer emails, submit receipts to accountants, send quotes and invoices etc.

I am of an older generation but we thought it normal that a SAHM had an evening every week to relax with her friends at the cinema or bingo, etc. paid for by the only earner, their husband. Essential for mental health IMO.

Oh, they would. She'd be doing everything she does now + paying all the childcare. Shitheads are shitheads.

Meh, he's being a twat to behave like that but I'd also be quite peeved. His income pays for everything else and your (albeit small, one-off) income pays for beauty treatments? It doesn't sit right with me.

In our family all income is shared regardless of how it is earned (we don't gamble except the rare occasion we physically went to the races or something, which we haven't done in almost a decade); gambling winnings, inheritance, salary, gifts from family, selling something, etc. This is because of our entire relationship, we've only both been working at the same time for around 6 months (both been the ones in and out of work). In your situation, I'd have paid for the airport parking, popped the money into the kids savings, and then split the rest between us or put it into a family pot.

Again, though - he's being an arse to suggest you do nothing for the family and that you being at home isn't a huge financial benefit to HIM.

Did you miss the part where I said I have inheritance money that I dip in to to treat myself to Botox twice a year, that I bought our family car and DH work van out of this inheritance? Shoot me for spending £20 a month on foxy bingo. How dare I use my own money to spend a mere £20 on a little flutter monthly. He’s never paid for my Botox.

Did he want to discuss the £150 you sent him to buy a pair of trainers?

He's an arsehole.

I'd get a job and tell him he can pay for childcare out of his income.

Then you need to be an employee of the business with all the employee benefits such as pension contributions and holiday entitlement etc. or you need to be a company director.

currently it doesn’t sound like “we” run our business. It sounds like your husband does, you do unpaid, unrecognised free labour and everything at home.

you need to fix that. But I bet he won’t be keen which will be telling.

tell him to cut his hours to 50% to do his half of the childcare, grocery shopping and housework so you can do your 50% of working.

Your ‘D’H is a clueless ingrate.

I’d be sending him an invoice for childcare, cooking cleaning AND the admin you do for the business etc.

Then suggest he to make it fair you both work and both do 50% of all the things you do as a SAHP.

Also he will only have 50 % of the costs to pay for the household and there fire less stress. With only one person working there is huge pressure especially as a self employed person. He doesn't have trainers he can wear out only work trainers. Yet op spends £20 a month on gambling. There is something much deeper here in that hubby may feel totally taken for granted. Maybe time for a proper conversation about ropes, working and money

I’m the least shallow person you’d ever meet. I wear jeans I’ve owned since my early 20’s. I have no designer items because I don’t value things like that. I value holidays and trips with my family, making memories. You’re completely wrong about me. If I’m shallow for having botox twice a year (just for those saying I shouldn’t need it at my age I have very deep forehead lines and they are an insecurity of mine) and a manicure every now then I must be shallow in your eyes. I already feel shit about myself since having my 2 children, I don’t feel the slightest bit attractive and I’m not going to apologise for dipping into inheritance for a pick me up a couple of time a year (the same inheritance that’s bought 2 vehicles, a couple of family holidays etc).