Won some money, AIBU?

[chochobnob1]

Each month, I allow myself £20 to play slots on an online gambling site. It’s only ever £20.

Friday night, I was playing and won the jackpot which was £1000.

I have a 3 year old and 10 month old.

DH and I run our own business. We live comfortably, very fortunate to be able to afford a holiday abroad once a year, we can afford our bills and food shopping, the kids clothes, birthdays and Christmases (within reason, we don’t spend thousands, 3 year old has £100 limit for Christmas and same for birthday). 10 month old will have the same, probably only £50 for first birthday due to it all being a bit pointless when he doesn’t understand, that’s what we did with DD for her first but anyway I’m rambling, you catch my drift.

Saturday morning, I told him I won the money. I transferred him £100 to pay for the airport parking (we go away next week), £150 to treat himself to some new trainers as he wants some smart ones he can wear out instead of his work ones. I also transferred £200 into our savings. £100 into each child’s savings accounts.

I then said that I’m going to treat my self to tear trough filler due to it being a madejce insecurity of mine (very dark circles and hollow). I’m 34 for reference and I have Botox twice a year (the lady I go to is a Dr and I wouldn’t let just anyone near my face with botox/filler etc). I never buy myself new clothes unless it’s a special occasion like a wedding etc.

I stopped getting my nails done 2 months ago because he moaned about the cost every 3 weeks (£28 plus £8 for eyebrow wax).

This blew up into a big argument once kids had gone to bed, he said that something that really hurt me “I’m not being funny but you don’t contribute financially or work”. This really upset me, if I went back to work I’d be paying my whole wage on nursery fees for my youngest so we agreed when we decided to try for a second baby that I would stay home for 2 years like I did with my daughter and then to back to work.

I’m feeling like I’m less than him because I don’t earn money, I feel like I’m not entitled to treat myself out of my winnings.

He’s doubling down and giving me the silent treatment today. He didn’t like it last night when I told him I’m a 34 year old woman and can do exactly what I like. He said I should have discussed it with him before booking in.

To be clear, our bills are up to date and no debt other than a couple of credit cards including a business one but they’re always paid off each month and no issues there.

I think you could have gone on a 50/50 split on treat spending! Especially because new trainers sound like a need not a treat.

yup. I was going to say "well you chose an arsehole didn't you?"

Applaud yourself that you are financially savvy… ignore the comments about spending a small amount onyourself.. your hubby is out of order BUT if you can set up anEtsy orEbay or whatever and start earning a little yourself x

The OP’s husband doesn’t have to do it, he’s happy leaving that part of life to his wife

I am unable to get 30 hours funded childcare for baby due to me being unemployed. I sort submit receipts to accountants, send customer emails, send quotes etc when I have a spare hour whilst baby is napping and eldest is at preschool but I am not technically employed.

If you help in your DH business why aren't you named as a partner working in it, that way you'd split the earnings and still be paying you NI contributions.

That way would you also be able to send your DC to nursery on days you would be working?

You shared the money. I think he is being unreasonable and controlling. You do a shed-load of work as SAHM. I hate that this unpaid work is so undervalued. I think you need to have a good talk with your husband and say if he isn't happy with you treating yourself to the odd thing (it's your prerogative what that is) then you will have to earn your own money and he will need to help much more around the house and the both of you will need to cover childcare costs. Good luck!

He's the one who wanted he to get those those things! If he wants them back, he can have 'em.

@chochobnob1 your DH is out of line. Just another bloke who thinks running a household and looking after the children is women's work and not a real job.

Surely because she’s doing it. When I was part time I did more but once I became full time it evened out. The OP needs to get a job, earn her own money (even if the childcare costs are the same amount on the short term) and then they will be a more equal couple in terms of household responsibilities .

Nothing wr9ng with being a SAHP. If the working parent values your contribution. Which isn't the case here.

And if she went back to work, the childcare costs and the housework would become a shared respobsibility, which might shock the DH into z better attitude.

I wouldn't want to be financially dependent on a guy like this one.

Keep a ledger of all of your ‘unpaid’ work each week.

The time you spend on childcare during the working day, housework, ironing etc… include the commute to and from work and your normal pre maternity leave work hours.

Then multiply those hours by at least £12.75 per hour or your hourly rate in your previous job each month

Deduct Tax and NI

Then present him with a play-slip showing your financial contribution to the family!

Perhaps this will make him realise your contribution is important and has a financial value.

Lots of men would do this.
So many could not give a fuck about their children, they would rather have the wife at home doing everything, or if she didn't, then he would leave her.

Perhaps she could leave him with the kids, see how that goes for once.

Partner got £150 and OP got £550 by the sounds of it. Is this fair? It’s not equal for sure but we do t have enough info to say if it’s fair.

OP if your partner got a bonus and he kept 50% to treat himself and gave you 15% to you without discussing it would you think that was fair?

Without knowing how you deal with finances and what’s been done before. to me the issue is you did it unilaterally without any discussion. Are you partners or not???

Yes, she’s doing it all. Which affords him the time to earn the money, hence why it’s a joint asset.

I said further up in my original response that if I were her I be telling him that I’d be returning to work and childcare costs, childcare outside of work time and all household chores would need to be split evenly, but I’ve got a funny feeling that he wouldn’t be down for that either.

Who says he wouldn’t though? When I was earning and my childcare was costing the same my husband didn’t want me to stay at home with the kids. He wanted me to earn my own money and keep my career going as he knew that it would pay off in the future both for my own self worth and for the family. And he was right. Long term I have earned a lot more because I did keep working.

£350. She kept £350z

It was a joint decision for her to stay at home for a few years.

maybe I’m wrong, maybe he’d jump at the chance to pull his weight at home. The fact that she’s currently doing it all makes me think otherwise though.

But, on top of running the household and all childcare, OP also squeezes in admin for their business. She also has her own money.

Sounds like you're being a bit 'spenny' with someone else's money! You're getting botoxed twice a year, spending money on online gambling every month, and you're not bringing any money in! Your winnings are one thing, but perhaps your husband is looking at the bigger picture?

This one. Yes!

I wish you had added the context of it’s not his money as i think a lot of people would have different opinions i agree with you op tell eh to piss odd the greedy so and so treat yourself get Botox go all out it’s no one else’s business what you spent it on if you happy with that

You're shallow and spending money on stupid nonsense things. Nothing that you listed, outside of the children's Christmas, is necessary and I'm sure your husband feels this way.

Also, you are getting paid for being a SAHM. Unless you live on the street and starve, your room and board, cosmetics, clothes, fuel, auto, mortgage, insurance, and everything else that costs to keep you in your lifestyle is being paid by your husband. It's getting old to hear SAHPs saying they are not being paid for their contributions. You are.

He was wrong in how he approached you about the money, but this is probably a symptom of something deeper.

You should have a real heart felt sit-down. Not his side, not your side. But two people that are married and love each other getting it all out in the open. No attacking, no feelings on your sleeves. Honest talk.

It really is financially abusive to agree for one person to stay home to benefit the family and then police what they spend their fair share of the disposable income on. If you agree to a SAHP, you’re agreeing to sharing family money. No one should have complete say over what the other person spends that on

Having read all your posts I wonder if this is more to do with some insecurity he has.

He has managed to stop you having your nails done and, now another beauty treatment. Yes, both are recurring costs as people have pointed out however, given you do not drink, smoke, rarely buy clothes, contribute to the running of the family and also the business (which some posters seem to have missed), it makes no sense and smacks of control.

Are women these days not supposed to have some time to themselves let alone do things that make them feel better. Or, is that just for the chosen few depending on who on MN are reading the posts.

He appears to have given no monetary or, otherwise value to your role as a wife, mother and unpaid helper in his business. On this basis I would never ever tell again about any extra money you get.

Is there some bad feeling over your inheritance given you say you give him money when he needs it. Maybe this is what is at the bottom of it all and the only way he can control you is by keeping you at home and being a child himself in commenting on the cost of getting your nails done.

Unless there is a back story which you have not shared, this should be a wake up call for you to secure yourself and your children quietly for the future going forward.

Lastly, it is not unheard of for men not to bother buying themselves clothes, trainers etc. If he is that type of man, it rarely has anything to do with lack of funds, more pure laziness and a total disregard once they have found a partner and they feel no need to look their best. The fact he is now trying to bring you down to that level is not acceptable. That is not love, it is tightness and control.

Hell to the no.

Either invoice him for the hours you put in at home, so he can see the value of your contributions on paper, or go back to work, split the bills proportional to income. Then your whole salary won't be lost to childcare. Put some away, coz youre clearly married to a tosspot.