to ask how to deal with family criticism over sending our child to a private school?

[RunBeforeBreakfast]

If you have sent your children to private school, have you had any negativity about it from others, especially family? If so how have you dealt with it?

Our children currently go to state primary but our oldest will be going to a private secondary school in September. It’s a nice school and we feel it will suit her. Since telling our family, some of them have been really critical of our choice as they don’t agree with private schools. I’ve listened to what they have said and understand their point of view, but ultimately, it’s our choice and I’ve said I don’t want to keep talking about it as the decision has been made. They stopped for a while but last week on the phone and at a meal yesterday they brought it up again, with our children there. They’ve never been interested in our children’s schooling until now.

It’s my parents in law and brother in law. My children are very close to my brother in laws children so I don’t want a family fall out. My children and his would be very upset if they didn’t see each other.

I get what you are saying but how do children in other countries do well when private schools aren’t a big thing . It’s not really anything to brag about. I’m not criticising by the way as maybe if I lived in England I’d send my DC to a private school as well

Every parent should be striving to do the absolute best for their children. You must have reasons for going private (we did, our state options were dire)

I’d not hesitate to see them less if they won’t give it up. Bring up something they do that irritates you as a counter complaint every time, that might stop them!

It would be entirely their parents fault

Just keep repeating that the decision has been made. And your daughter is looking forward to it. Thank you.
they’ll get over it presumably with time

Jesus Christ! Incredible. The cheek. And in fact the rudeness. It's absolutely none of their business and if you ask their opinion they can give it. Otherwise. No.

You are going to HAVE to tell them to stop. You're going to have to make a stand. Properly. Because this is an invasion of your privacy and is totally out of order. You can't let them continue to intrude in this way

You say you’re tempted to tell them that if they carry on, then you’ll stop seeing them but you feel it’s too extreme….

but then you say your husband has already firmly said this anyway and it’s made zero difference

It’s definitely not acceptable OP. They have over stepped the mark multiple times and have been very rude

But they are also not entirely incorrect that there is a risk that your DC will inculcate objectionable views about poorer people during an elite education. Could you try to reassure them with examples of how you’re handling that risk alongside providing the schooling that you think is absolutely the right fit for her? I know you shouldn’t really have to do that, but maybe it might help shut them up?

Exactly....those being critical don't take into consideration that what they say is out of line, can cause upset and none of their business.

Why do people that give their unasked for opinions get all offended and take umpage when the receiver bats the same treatment back.

Haha what a load of guff.

How on earth are they totally isolated when they (usually) do extra curricular sporting etc activities outside of school with children from all backgrounds, spend time with family from all financial backgrounds and can be (as in my case) brought up by state educated parents?

God knows who you are meeting.

The threads on here about the significant issues with state education are eye-opening. No thanks.

My inlaws were like that. Kept dropping in little snarky comments and digs about our choice to go private. I had to bite my tongue so many times as actually they were both very poorly educated and without any qualifications, and my DH initially had left a similarly shit school that they had been to and was the main driver in I want the kids private.
Fortunately they lived a long way away from us and my husband just cooled on the visits for a few years.

They have called you “cruel”

FGS you and your DH need to woman / man up

What utter nonsense.
All the while you earn the money op, it’s your choice. I would literally just look at them blankly. If they continue I would ask why on earth they feel entitled to dictate how you spend your own money. Did they approve the house you bought, your car? Perhaps attend job interviews with you to ensure the company is suitable? No? Then they can back off. We live in a democracy and thank god for that. Private Schooling, Private Health and anything else you can pay to hopefully improve is part of that. And I say that as someone who was state educated and same for my DC.

Just say: For the love of God Aunt Helen, haven’t we gone over this enough? We made our decision and would appreciate if you stopped commenting.

Practice in front of the mirror!

Or even better: Roll your eyes and mutter (loudly): How many more times do au have to listen to this??

Then excuse yourself to another part of the garden/room.

Then you explain to your children that when people are rude and unkind, also intrusive, the right thing to do is to stand up for yourself

By showing your children how passive you are, you are not teaching them life lessons

I believe you. And I’m sure you have a fantastic local
community.

I also work with a fuck ton of privately educated people who display giant ignorance about a whole range of things on the daily.

One recently “didn’t believe me” that a friend of mine with a masters degree lives in social housing, because “she wouldn’t qualify”. This is not an unusual comment.

What really damages children is parents in unhappy marriages remaining together…

I know but I don’t want any of the children to be upset. They have always spent a lot of time together so I would hate that to change, but I think that’s what we are facing. I know they are the ones in the wrong but I’m gutted that something like this could cause such a problem.

Never come between husband and wife, and never tell someone how to raise their DC.

Two cardinal rules.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree on this. You made your decisions for your children as we make our decisions for our children.

They may change their minds once your daughter is obviously settled and thriving there.

Life can be like this. It can. You MUST, imo, teach your children about strength of character and not having passivity as their go to, in life

Well you’ve answered my comment to the OP. You’re doing loads around that to prevent the lack of integration - so that’s great. A lot of parents don’t because they have all the extra during the long school hours.

BTW both my kids are in state and I don’t recognise some of the threads on here at all. It’s all outlier stuff. Contented people don’t post.

I cannot fathom two adults tolerating this from family.
We privately educated our children and it never came up even once amongst family, ever.
Why would it?
It's no one's business what we do.

Clearly it's none of their business but why hasn't your husband sorted out his rude, ignorant family?

Only rude, ignorant people persist with their unasked for views.

Your boundaries are poor and they have zero respect for you or your choices.

You are allowing them to behave badly to protect a relationship that they clearly don't care do likewise for.

Sort out your boundaries and stop seeing them until the get it, or carry on as you are.

You are rearing your children in a very poor environment and this won't be the last time your poor boundaries are an issue.

I was warned of these things prior to my son attending Independent School
and addressed this with him.

Entitled to what? he asked, never acted superior, although he has been known
to roll his eyes when he thinks I cannot see.

Friends warned me that he might come to look down on me but he does that
anyway at 6’5”

He is grateful for his education, he is knowledgeable, erudite, funny, loving
but then he always was.
The lack of interest from both sets of grandparents never broke through his insouciance.
He corrects my grammar occasionally for which I am grateful.

His day was indeed longer as your daughter’s will be. Early nights and proper fortifying breakfasts, homework completed and no unnecessary carrying of
heavy text books back and forth, she will be fine.
They are looking for reasons but coming up with only excuses.

She isn’t their child, they had their turn.

We are in a much better place, thank you for following up.