to ask how to deal with family criticism over sending our child to a private school?

[RunBeforeBreakfast]

If you have sent your children to private school, have you had any negativity about it from others, especially family? If so how have you dealt with it?

Our children currently go to state primary but our oldest will be going to a private secondary school in September. It’s a nice school and we feel it will suit her. Since telling our family, some of them have been really critical of our choice as they don’t agree with private schools. I’ve listened to what they have said and understand their point of view, but ultimately, it’s our choice and I’ve said I don’t want to keep talking about it as the decision has been made. They stopped for a while but last week on the phone and at a meal yesterday they brought it up again, with our children there. They’ve never been interested in our children’s schooling until now.

Could be the grandparents

Well I hope you feel the same way about everything you can pay for to receive a better service??

they don’t agree with private schools.
OP people of all political persuasions have wangled their children into the best possible state school or found reasons to send them to private school.
Ignore your PIL, any more comments and your gone. I wouldn't leave the children with them any time soon either or they'll be going on about 'posh' schools to them.
If it's the right school, that's all they need to know.

Yes, I’d go for that option.

The only other one is to leave- every single time, no matter what the occasion. Christmas dinner? Family birthday restaurant meal? Tell them in advance that you will leave if this subject is brought up again and follow through. This can be done calmly but firmly.

On a far less important note I’m dealing with comments re not driving DH’s new automatic. I know someone who faced the same comments and after trying to ignore them/ change the subject she was so angry that she told DH to tell them that if they made the comments again she would leave. The next time they visited these people they went in both cars and when the inevitable happened she walked out and drove herself home. The next time she refused to go. Then there was an apology. It sounds extreme, but she had enough of, in her case, being repeatedly ridiculed and told she was being silly etc. It isn’t anyone else’s business whether she drive manual or automatic, or how you educate your DC if you can afford to.

Refuse to engage with them on it and tell them the decision is taken. They are being very unkind

They’re just jealous op. I can’t imagine what difference it makes to their lives.?

Do not engage in discussion with your friends and family on the matter - if they try, tell them it’s a personal matter and none of theirs.

Focus on what’s best for your DC.

They ate not criticising her parenting, they are criticising her politics.
They are entitled to hold and express their opinion, just as the op is entitled to pay to disadvantage other people's children.

Families don't have to agree on everything. If you get fed up, just have less contact with them.

What annoys me is the wealthy people who are anti private school are the same people who will pay for an enormous, gorgeous house in the ‘right’ catchment area, pay for tutors and live a pretty privileged life. Use private health. But think they’re better for using state schools.

My SiL lives in a Northern town with many private prep schools and a couple
of private secondary schools for the perceived poshos as she calls them.
The standards are abysmal.
Apparently teachers at private schools do not need to be qualified, do not need
a degree, need only fortitude and to dress well. Can this be true, is this why so
many are closing as they are not fulfilling their promise?
There are private schools and private schools.
My husband, a Manchester Grammar School old boy, dyed in the wool (rampant) socialist would not have countenanced a child at ‘private school’ of the type ^
suggested.
However, recognising that we had a peculiarly smart intelligent son we felt we
should provide for his future and for him to be at school with possibly like minds
which proved to be correct.
A fortuitously timed legacy from an aunt secured his educational future.

My daughters were at state schools, they both did well, smart and sassy, completely different personalities to my son.
I would have failed my son by sending him to a state school, boys or mixed, I knew this.
Equally I would have dismally failed both daughters pushing them in a private school as they would have been disadvanted socially in Dulwich. Neither had the capability of passing Common Entrance to a prestigious Independent School. As parents we know our own children, or should and not be browbeaten by family, friends or Primary School teachers into making a wrong decision.
These are our children, we are investing in the/ir future, #proud parent#

Literally everyone uses the school they think is best for their child. Youve done nothing wrong.

this. Rinse and repeat

Invite them to speech day and crack on.

they have taken a parenting decision regarding their child

Mostly - but importantly I do not believe in this case it is a better service. I believe it does a massive disservice to the children who go through it. They statistically obtain better grades but with it they absorb total isolation from the society they actually live in. It damages them for life. They know a lot but understand very little. I see this daily in my line of work.

None of that, though, has anything to do with OP’s issue.

Weirdos. What on earth do they hope to achieve?
A member of DH's family educated their DC privately. I don't really approve of it, and couldn't afford it even if I did. However, their choices are fuck all to do with me or anyone else in the family. I would tell them to do one if any of them tried telling me how to run my life.

This!

Social isolation? Oh don’t be silly

I was privately educated 4-18.

very broad range of friends and colleagues

. It damages them for life. They know a lot but understand very little. I see this daily in my line of work.

this made me chuckle. What nonsense

Your husband has spoken to them. I assume it's your PIL... Is there another sibling who can't afford to send their child and it's jealousy? My in laws were always criticising my decision to return to work (as kids then went to nursery), even said how badly it would affect them and how much better their daughters kids would do in life as she didn't work. I just ignored it. We are 20 years down the track and guess what.. Funnily enough they have forgotten all the nasty comments they made and my kids all did very well.
As others have said you need to agree to disagree or reduce contact? We only went to see them occasionally for short bursts to reduce the negative comments they made to my children. You will need to watch for the sly snide remarks from September to protect your daughter

They have actually criticised our parenting on this, not just our politics, because they have specifically said we are making the wrong choice for our child, that we will be responsible for making her think she’s better than others by sending her there, that we will be making her entitled, that we could spend the money on other things which they feel are better, that we are cruel making her have a longer school day and much more.

They are entitled to all those opinions, but saying these things over and over isn’t acceptable when they have been asked to stop.

Absolutely this.

the other option is give them a warning that you will leave if they bring this up again, and then when they do @RunBeforeBreakfast you cut the visit short, get in car, leave.

feel better now?
if I was the OP I would be feeling that cold stilleto between my ribs

That the privately educated DC will eventually think less of, or patronise, her state educated cousins. Or that entire side of the family. It’s no doubt unfounded, but I bet that it sits underneath it.

I’m in my forties and the other day someone gave me a high 5 at a work event because they found out I went to a comp. (My sector is highly privately educated) I do not agree with private education partly because it produces the sort of people who do this.