to ask how to deal with family criticism over sending our child to a private school?

[RunBeforeBreakfast]

If you have sent your children to private school, have you had any negativity about it from others, especially family? If so how have you dealt with it?

Our children currently go to state primary but our oldest will be going to a private secondary school in September. It’s a nice school and we feel it will suit her. Since telling our family, some of them have been really critical of our choice as they don’t agree with private schools. I’ve listened to what they have said and understand their point of view, but ultimately, it’s our choice and I’ve said I don’t want to keep talking about it as the decision has been made. They stopped for a while but last week on the phone and at a meal yesterday they brought it up again, with our children there. They’ve never been interested in our children’s schooling until now.

I know someone who suddenly started banging on about how ridiculous it was to send kids private, waste of money, intelligent kids will achieve anywhere with parental support etc, she used to really get on her high horse about it. Never gave it much thought until I caught up with her sister a while later who I know a lot better and it turned out that she had always wanted to send her kids to private but they couldnt afford it without it seriously impacting on their lifestyle which she didnt want to do.

Could it be something like that? Coming from envy?

I am not in favour of private school but its a free country so if someone close to me sent their child to private school I know they'd already understand my thoughts on it and I'd not harangue them over it. I went to a top university (from a pretty poor comprehensive school) and so many of my friends were privately educated interestingly only a few have chosen to send their children to private school and all of them who do live in London where its seems to be far more common to send your child to private schools in general.

Had the same OP with my family. I just ignored them. They didnt understand with the reasons we were paying for private schooling. I let their comments go over my head. My dc's thrived due to needing full time support with their education. I am sure your dd will be happy at her new school. That is all that matters.

Just roll your eyes and laugh at them and say 'are you about this again? Haven't we had this conversation? Are you ok? You're either forgetting that we've already discussed it and agreed not to talk about it again or you're curiously obsessed with DS schooling. Seriously are you alright?' and just keep laughing and looking at them quizzically.

I think it’s OK to speak up about something you feel is morally wrong that a relative is choosing to do, but now they’ve said their piece, it’s time for them to shut up. I am also opposed to private schools, but if a relative had chosen to send their child to one, I’d avoid talking about it, as I couldn’t act supportive if the subject came up, but also understand that I’m unlikely to change their opinion so there would be no point harming the relationship. I certainly wouldn’t say anything in front of the child/ren. If I were you I would ‘grey rock’ them any time they bring it up (have a google of the grey rock method) - just sort of ‘mmm’ing and changing the subject.

nothing else you can do

Either you smile, nod and completely ignore

or decide you have enough and don't visit.

They had enough warnings. It's their problem if they are dying of jealousy and need to convince themselves they didn't fail their own kids, not yours and certainly not their son's!

perhaps they are terrified that you may ask them to contribute financially, regularly, generously and seeing their retirement plans ebbing away, especially if you have more children to school

the new term isn’t until September/October, you could have hedged and obfuscated but really, why do you feel the need to justify your choice (if you do)and why should you be obliged to

one thing I can 100% guarantee, is how pleased as punch they will be when their granddaughter qualifies as a doctor, barrister, vet, pilot, whatever, you will see.

My son was at Independent School with a tough entrance exam and even tougher interview, accepted on merit.
neither set of parents bought him as much as a pen, blazer or laptop, but omy word
did they glow about his achievements, as though somehow they were involved, responsible, benefactors.
We asked would they like to come to his open day (Dulwich College) but they ‘had something on that day’
I think possibly they would have been intellectually overwhelmed.
My son had wanted to show his grandad hismscience experiment and around the school but they demurred.
Still he did it in spite of not because of, as your clever daughter will.

The reaction is also a form of reverse snobbery, but I suppose you realise this.

Smile and nod.

So you’d avoid asking about how your grandchild was getting on at new school? What opportunities and activities they were doing? Etc

and before anyone jumps in to inform me that girls at State school could be doctors, barristers, vets, pilots whatever - this is sidetracking and nowhere near what I was describing and why, so kindly hold back

I wonder, do you have such strong feelings about children from privileged backgrounds being able to access far more successful and desirable state schools than those in poorer areas? Do you tell their parents that they should be sending their kids to the inadequate school in the deprived area as sending them to the Outstanding naice school is helping drive inequality? Somehow I doubt you do.

People are huge hypocrites in this space OP. Just ignore them. Everyone wants what's best for their child and most people take the best option available to them. There are far worse inequality issues in state schools, yet many of those that criticise private schools are doing all they can to get their kids into the best state option.

This is on them, not you.

If you don’t want to go no contact, then I’d be very firm in ending every phone call and meeting as soon as they start on the subject. Ie - okay, we’ve said before that we won’t have this discussion, so we’re hanging up / going home now. And act on it every time.

This. And I'm guessing its not the first time they have criticised your parenting. We had this all the time, about what we fed them, what activities they did, they were sure our kids were "falling behind" at school, (they weren't) that the school was in a "rough area" (it wasn't particularly)..
The only thing that shut them up in the end was the fact that the kids got good results in their exams ( but they did say that their newspaper of choice had said that exams were getting easier - to explain this)

It really doesn't matter if it's a private school or a state school. They don't know your children's needs in the way that you do, so what they think doesn't matter.

The only solution is to tell them a lot less about yourself and your children and your activities. Its their loss but really you cant confide in constant critics.
Updated to add... Just read that you have told them several times to stop going on about it... its really time for both of you to step up your push back on this.

I don’t know why you posted this.

You are entitled to your opinion, and I am entitled to mine. I disagree with every single point you made, but if I went through and counteracted each one with alternative points I know you wouldn’t be won round. It’s odd you think that my convictions are loosely held.

All of which is nothing to do with the OP’s original post. Despite my beliefs I have tons of friends who send their kids private, and who went private themselves. It is very possible to coexist on this issue. And the OP is trying to navigate that.

Excellent post, thank you.

I suspect they have a deep down fear that your DC will be socialised into not respecting their DC. It’s not an illegitimate fear. It wouldn’t show up in childhood but 25 years down the line. Can you talk to them about what you’re doing to avoid that eventuality?

Private education isn’t perfect, but it’s a beacon of high standards in British schooling. This made me laugh!

But the point of the thread is the OP is allowed to choose for her own family.

I think the OP is suggesting it is they that want to go NC, which is very sad and a huge over reaction but probably coming from a place of fear rather than jealousy

“We could have invested in a bigger property and better holidays but decided it was better to invest in our children’s education. What we do with our money and children is our business and not yours.” Polite but firm!

I’m completely opposed to private education, but my best friend sends her child to a private school and I would never dream of discussing my opinions with her. Do your family want to fall out with you over it? It’s not the hill I’d choose to die on with someone I valued in my life.

I’d say something along the lines of ‘The decision is made, we are happy with it and I don’t want to fall out with you, so let’s agree not to discuss it again.’

If you really want to resolve this, then it might be worth setting aside a time to sit down with them and discuss the issue thoroughly. You shouldn't have to discuss it - it is 100% none of their business - but sometimes it's the only way to get someone off their high horse. Let them say every single thing they want to say, don't be defensive, acknowledge their thoughts and feelings, then at the end of the conversation say 'ok, we've discussed this, you've told us how you feel, this topic is no longer up for debate, agreed?' If they bring it up again, say 'We've discussed this,' and don't respond.

My dad has very little interest in my life but for some reason got a bee in his bonnet with I said I was going to study psychology at university. He kept making comments about it, so at one point I said 'Ok let's talk about it, tell me why you object to it.' Shock horror he had nothing to say and he completely dropped it.

Sometimes I think people get stuck on something because there are unresolved feelings around it -as other posters have said maybe they're conflicted, in relation to their own parenting. If you give someone a forum to air their actual views, sometimes it'll all come out (which is quite vulnerable and exposing) and sometimes they'll just shut the hell up. Either way it's a good result - though your DH may need to be prepared to hear things he doesn't want to know.

I don’t think it especially matters what the subject of the discussion is. You both have well-established positions and neither of you is going to change your minds so repeatedly discussing it is fruitless and upsetting, and it’s fine to say that.

“We have completely understood your point of view but we do not share it. Neither of us is going to change our minds and so you need to stop bringing it up because we’re just going to upset each other needlessly”.

Be prepared to calmly leave if you have to.

Her DH has already done this (it’s his parents) and they keep bringing it up

Of course you can make your own decisions re your children's education. And, if your family are abusive on the subject you can state that you re not going to discuss the topic with them any more.

However I do think that you need to ponder the important decision you are taking. Education is not just about academic exam results. It is also about meeting as wide a range of people as you can, in particular people who are not as advantaged as you are. Many careers will bring your child into contact with a wide range of the public and (s)he needs to know how to interact with them. . Think Medicine. law, retail, setting up a business etc.

Finally, I'm sure you want your child to achieve the best academic results (s)he can. Though it is true that privately educated students do somewhat better than State schools at A level, the tables are turned at Degree level when State pupils perform better. And, it is at degree level and post degree level that results matter most for access to very competitive careers eg Barristers, Investment Houses etc etc.

Research
'While raw, unadjusted degree outcomes often appear to favour privately educated students—largely due to a higher concentration of them attending highly selective institutions—in-depth studies by the Higher Education Funding Council for England (HEFCE), the Sutton Trust, and the University of Cambridge reveal a different reality:
When grades are equal: State school students consistently outperform private school pupils who enter university with the same A-level grades.
Disproportionate progression: Research shows privately educated students at Russell Group universities are roughly a THIRD LESS LIKELY to achieve a First or 2:1 compared to state school peers with similar entry grades.
Raw outcomes: Historically, unadjusted figures from the Independent Schools Council indicate about 67% of independent school pupils achieve a 2:1 or above, compared to around 62% of state school pupils. However, this disparity disappears entirely when prior educational attainment (A-level grades) is accounted for. 1]

Fear? Is what???

Just say you do you and I’ll do me. They’re happy with their choice and you’re happy with yours.

And every academic, sporting and musical accolade make sure to tell them (as family interested in your child) including the stellar exam results. Usually shuts them up.