to ask how to deal with family criticism over sending our child to a private school?

[RunBeforeBreakfast]

If you have sent your children to private school, have you had any negativity about it from others, especially family? If so how have you dealt with it?

Our children currently go to state primary but our oldest will be going to a private secondary school in September. It’s a nice school and we feel it will suit her. Since telling our family, some of them have been really critical of our choice as they don’t agree with private schools. I’ve listened to what they have said and understand their point of view, but ultimately, it’s our choice and I’ve said I don’t want to keep talking about it as the decision has been made. They stopped for a while but last week on the phone and at a meal yesterday they brought it up again, with our children there. They’ve never been interested in our children’s schooling until now.

I would try a quiet but firm word first, something like “I recognise you have strong feelings about this but this is family and I don’t want politics to hurt our relationship. So I’m asking you to not bring this up again please. It’s not fair on the kids and I find it painful”. If they can’t or won’t stop after that then really you do have the choice of ignore or avoid them.

Otherwise close which is why it’s so difficult. Our political beliefs are quite different on some things, but I just don’t talk politics with them. Obviously we couldn’t not tell them the school our child was going to though.

Oh for heaven’s sake OP get a back bone, this cannot be a big enough problem that you don’t know how to navigate it.

Your family or your in laws

Private schools are one of the UK’s great educational strengths.

They offer parents genuine choice and children real opportunity, consistently achieving outstanding exam outcomes - around 49% A/A at A-level* compared to roughly 25% in state-funded schools, and similarly strong GCSE performance.

They allow exceptional pupils to realise their potential - and all without burdening the taxpayer in anyway.

Far from being a drain, the sector punches well above its weight for the country: independent schools contribute £16.5 billion to the UK economy, support over 328,000 jobs, and generate significant tax revenue.

Many offer substantial bursaries and scholarships, opening doors to bright children from all backgrounds.

Attacking excellence doesn’t raise standards for everyone else - it just levels down. True educational progress comes from more choice, more competition and more aspiration, not less. Parents should have the freedom to choose what’s best for their child, and society benefits when we celebrate and support outstanding schools rather than punishing them.

Private education isn’t perfect, but it’s a beacon of high standards in British schooling. Long may it thrive.

Call their bluff and say “You’ve convinced us, we’re pulling her out and going state. Using the money to buy oil and tobacco shares instead.”

jk

You need to become comfortable with silence.

Indeed. I mean, make a decision and own it, and deal assertively with any criticism that follows. God knows how you’d manage if you worked in a lab that tested drugs in development on animals or something.

In laws but I do class them as my family.

People saying get a back bone etc, we have told them to stop many times and even didn’t visit for a few weeks due to it. We could say we aren’t seeing them but really who wants to fall out with family over one issue. We will if we have to but we would rather not.

I've only felt judged once, by someone who 'didn't agree with private schools'.
The same person who rented out their house and temporarily moved into the catchment area for an outstanding state school. Twice!

You just say we obviously have very different views on this, I'm making the decision I think is best for my child, I don't judge others who make different decisions. Our position isn't going to change and neither is yours, so I'd like to not discuss it anymore

Well then your partner needs to get with the programme and say “enough with the judgement, we have made our decision and that’s final”

Firstly, this is your DH's problem.

Get him to tell them if it doesn't stop you won't be visiting.

There's no way to manage this without either setting a boundary or just putting up with it.

But it wouldn’t be falling out over one issue would it? It would be falling out because

they are judgey
they ignore you
they carry on relentlessly about it despite being fully aware it upsets you

He has been very firm with them and said they won’t see us if they continue.

I suppose I know the fall out is coming but I really can’t understand how they would be willing to not see us over this. I feel really down about it but can’t see what else we can do if they aren’t willing to stop.

All of my extended family have been privately educated since the turn of the last century. No criticism anywhere. I would just say that this is our choice and none of your business.

"Yes, I know". "Yes, you've told me". Stick to that.

I wouldn't worry about them saying it in front of the kids. Some people disagree with private education - it's a fact, no reason the kids shouldn't know it. They think one thing, you think another, you're the parent so you're doing what you think is right. That's a perfectly good message to give them.

This is perfect. Repeat a few times. But if they really won’t stop, you may need to threaten to cut contact.

Hopefully when your child is happily settled with her new friends at her new school they’ll shut up anyway. But you need to be careful that they don’t start asking her loaded questions like whether her new school friends all live in big houses, have lots of foreign holidays etc. (private school parent here and many parents go without these things precisely so they can afford private schools.)

Oh I agree, I wouldn't give a shit about upsetting them but I'm assuming the OP does, otherwise she wouldn't have this problem.

I would be philosophical about it.

If they crack on knowing the consequences, they’re twats and they’re happy to give up the relationship

What's that saying? (I will be polite). Opinions are like bumholes, everyone has one.
Ignore them, rinse and repeat.

I have a relative who used to constantly remark negatively upon my interior design choices. My reply eventually was “when you pay my mortgage you can have some input. Till then STFU”
I suggest you adapt that to your situation.

It's your choice how you spend your disposable income.

I'm sorry your ILs are like this. You'll have to support your DH as that's awful for him.

Some people really struggle when their kids displays different values. It's not ok.

I am on the verge of saying we won’t see them anymore if they don’t stop and can’t accept our choice, but it seems extreme

but your husband has very firmly said this to them anyway and it’s made no difference

Since these are your in-laws, obviously, you don't want to fall out with them.

Your DH will have to explain again his DPs that if they keep on like this, they will destroy their relationship with him and their grandchild(ren)?

Whilst I understand that they feel strongly about this, I'm surprised they're not able to focus on their DS and their DGCs.

Short term, you might have to go back to avoiding them to make your point. If they invite you for anything, you'll have to explain that you don't want to discuss private schools so you won't be coming.