to ask how to deal with family criticism over sending our child to a private school?

[RunBeforeBreakfast]

If you have sent your children to private school, have you had any negativity about it from others, especially family? If so how have you dealt with it?

Our children currently go to state primary but our oldest will be going to a private secondary school in September. It’s a nice school and we feel it will suit her. Since telling our family, some of them have been really critical of our choice as they don’t agree with private schools. I’ve listened to what they have said and understand their point of view, but ultimately, it’s our choice and I’ve said I don’t want to keep talking about it as the decision has been made. They stopped for a while but last week on the phone and at a meal yesterday they brought it up again, with our children there. They’ve never been interested in our children’s schooling until now.

no ones business but yours

It’s your decision. Personally I’m with them, children from private schools seem incapable of either an original thought or of dealing with people from a different background, but you do what you evidently think is best and stop trying to force people to agree with you.

This response covers it perfectly.

Ask them when they were receiving the invoice for the fees … oh wait …. They’re not the ones paying.

your money, your children, your business.

Spoken like someone with zero idea of what some state schools are like these days. 42 kids to a class? Sure. Rampant behaviour issues unchallenged? Why not.

But god forbid someone should want to spent their own money on a different setting for their child. I presume you don’t use private healthcare either?

I think the only bully here is you.....CamisadoChaos.

Think I mentioned earlier that there's lots of ignorant misconceptions on this thread.

I'm now going to go a bit further. Our local state schools are streamed. A band and B band. The kids who in olden days would have gone to grammar are in A band. Plus quite a few more. Those kids are capable of doing just as well as if they went to private school. Lots of brilliant passes at gcse. In some subjects A band and B band mix. They have the same form teacher. B band has the less academic, more gobby ones. I think some of the misconceptions on here come from people who weren't in A band.

If I had had the money, I would have chosen private. I didn't have the money. i was not bitter or envious. I just accepted it. If a hypothetical grandchild wanted to go private, I can now afford it and I would pay. It is normal to want to do the best for your kids.

I don't believe the OP has said what the family criticism consists of specifically. The PIL may not even have specific criticism and just be expressing "we wouldn't do this" with no insight into why the OP and the DH have made the decision they have.

I'm sure people outside our immediate nuclear family find our educational decisions eccentric. They don't have the full picture and they're not us.

Best way to deal with this is to arm yourself with facts. Dump a huge binder of information in front of them explaining why private schools are better than public schools (if your research confirms this is true). Ensure the binder contains all the scandals relating to off-rolling, asset-stealing by trusts, poor support for bullying, poor curriculum options, statistics on job opportunities after school, networking with the right people, and so on, but make sure you research both sides. Private schools have scandals and problems too.

Tell your family / anyone whinging that it's the government's job to fix public schools and until they do, you'll spend your money giving your children every leg up in life that you can.

End by asking if they plan to help their own kids with a deposit on a house. Every parent helps their kids however they can. I would send my kids to private school if I had any and if I could afford it. But I'd do my research on this. Or maybe I'd go with Montessori or similar. Research would inform my choice.

If a child at a public school in the 1980s/1990s was caught smoking cannabis it made the national headlines. I never saw a headline in the press about a child at a state school being caught smoking cannabis, but I very much doubt that meant no state school pupils used weed.

Public school bashing has been a national sport for a very long time.

Ask them for a detailed memorandum of all the things they are prepared to allow you to spend your own money on, and those they are not, with justifications for both lists. You might also ask them to explain whether education is more or less vile in their view than the other forbidden items.

I’ve started treating unreasonable adults as though they are unreasonable or tantrumming kids. I’d go for a very long stare until they’ve run out of steam, then “have you finished? We all have different priorities and that’s alright”. Exactly like you would to someone else’s irritating kid.

Politely, but firmly, state "I've listened to your thoughts on the subject, and as I said before, the decision is made. The subject is now closed to further discussion. Please do not raise this again".

Question. But private education is not the only privilege there is, is it? It is measurable, which is why there is so much focus on it.

How about height? Taller people are statistically wealthier than shorter. (I'm a shorter person, btw). Should I ask tall people to cut their legs off because of the privilege it brings them? How about beauty? That's an unfair privilege that many women enjoy! Or indeed brains. It's unfair that some people are born brainier than others!!

Surely it's natural that parents want to give their children the best chance of success, whatever that means to them. Would you turn down a promotion because it will result in you earning more money than others who, through no fault of their own, were not able to get the promotion?

My family friend had a brainy kid, and a regular kid. She sent the brainy kid to grammar school and the regular kid to private school. To give them both a great shot at life. Surely that makes sense?

On the other hand, a friend had a kid who was seriously brainy and clearly losing interest in school because they "were not learning anything in school" (In the kids words). So (had the means to) sent their kid to a very competitive private school.

We're all different no?

it amazes me when anyone can say they don’t agree with private schools. it’s ridiculous. Well done for ignoring the haters and giving your child the best

Locally to me are three private schools. One is in the top three in the country and costs ££££ per term, the students need to be at the top of their cohort and even then only maybe will they get in. The other two will take anyone who will pay the fees and their results are worse than most of the local state schools. Paying more doesnt mean that you get the best.

I am not against @RunBeforeBreakfast choosing private at all, but dont assume that paying more means that you get more. Thats what lower performing fee paying schools bank on.

Our family have absolutely no experience of private school. Just a mix of what they’ve heard in the media and assumptions they’ve made themselves.

Now that our DC are at private school and they have seen how they’ve flourished and been to events etc they think it’s the best thing ever.

Like most things, it’s the threat of people living their lives differently that makes them dislike it.

Some parents with mediocre kids send them to private school in order for them to get a bit of extra attention. Instead of getting lost in the mire at the local comp.

I have a friend who's son was good at rugby. He was not academic. He wasn't trying. She sent him to the local private school, where he could play rugby every day. The condition was that he would knuckle down with his academic work.

He was as happy as a little pig in mud. He passed some exams. He was never very academic but did set up his own business. The school instilled him with a can do work ethic. As far as his mother was concerned, sending him to private school had been a success. The child was happy and did well in life.

Your examples of height and beauty actually highlight the point I was making rather than challenge it. Those are natural differences that exist whether we like it or not. Private schooling is different because it is a system we choose to have. I'm not arguing that all inequality can be eliminated. I'm arguing that if we can reduce inequalities created by social systems, especially around something as important as education, we should consider doing so. Of course parents want the best for their children, and I understand why people use every advantage available to them. But the question is whether a society should structure access to opportunities around family wealth. That’s a different issue from people having different natural traits.

When a person in our circle makes a choice we are strongly opposed to on ethical grounds, we have two choices. Either we decide they have sufficient positive qualities, or the relationship is so important, it outweighs the thing, in which case, we stay off the subject. Or, if we feel that strongly, we distance from them.
What is never OK is to stick around and keep beating them for it.
If I were you I'd be laying it out for them in those terms. This is our choice. I understand you disagree, but our minds are made up. So you either accept that and drop the subject, or decide you can't continue to socialise with us because your feelings on this are so strong. You decide. Because we won't keep revisiting this.

Quote 'I'm arguing that if we can reduce inequalities created by social systems, especially around something as important as education, we should consider doing so.'
But there are always differences between children. What about a home with books and toys versus one without; or parents who can afford to pay for extra tuition/enrichment activities or even teach their kids themselves? Do you propose to outlaw those differences too?

"reduce inequalities based on social systems".

Actually, I vehemently disagree that there should be a distinction between natural inequalities and societally created inequalities. Alot of "societal inequalities" come about as solutions to natural inequalities. As humans, we very much can and should have agency.

I disagree that because nature made me short, ugly and bad at maths, I should be forever deprived of all the good things that tall, beautiful, clever people enjoy. I want loads of sex too!

I know the tabloids focus on the super wealthy in private schools. Alot of these people have large inherited wealth, so private vs public schooling for them is neither here nor there.

My personal experience of state vs private - I have experienced both - is that alot of the private parents are not in fact uber wealthy (yes, there are definitely some!) but are people who, for reasons of their own/the child they have, chose - at great cost to themselves - to pay twice for their childs education. (agreed, these parents still definitely earn above average).

In the state school I have experience of (affluent area), many parents had similar levels of wealth to the private parents, but chose state. Alot more were sahm's vs the private school. Some would rather give their kid a house deposit. Some thought a nicer quality of life for their child was more important to them.

Both are legitimate choices imo. Both actually cause different societal inequalities. Do we ban stay at home mums because their kids are more advantaged (help with homework, more involved in school life, more time to be emotionally available) than the kids whose mums cannot afford to stay at home? (tbf mumsnet threads often do demonise sahm's).

Surely we should all be allowed to make individual choices based on who we are, and our strengths, preferences and capabilities?

A brush-stroke generalisation about private education, like all generalisations is lazy and unfair.

No. Things are imperfect, that's undisputed. I'm not naively presenting a version of a society where all children have equal access to things. You can't make parents buy books and force them to read to their children - and some can't afford to or won't have been taught the skills. Or they be ill/disabled/working/caring. But you can invest in libraries and better education/youth facilities and remove clear examples of inequality which is what I deem private schools to be. I don't necessarily need people to agree with me. It's just my personal opinion.

Been there, done that….smile, ignore and grey rock. It infuriates them whilst simultaneously taking the pressure off when you’re having sleepless nights about where the next monthly install of £2+k after tax is coming from.

I really don’t mean that negatively/tritely. I speak as sole breadwinner paying those fees for 15 years. It’s 100% worth it in the right school (ours was top 20 London school). I really wouldn’t go for a lesser school if you don’t have to. Go for it. The right school is 100% worth it. But ignore ignore every other jealous person.

Best of luck 💪 It is 100% worth it.