to ask how to deal with family criticism over sending our child to a private school?

[RunBeforeBreakfast]

If you have sent your children to private school, have you had any negativity about it from others, especially family? If so how have you dealt with it?

Our children currently go to state primary but our oldest will be going to a private secondary school in September. It’s a nice school and we feel it will suit her. Since telling our family, some of them have been really critical of our choice as they don’t agree with private schools. I’ve listened to what they have said and understand their point of view, but ultimately, it’s our choice and I’ve said I don’t want to keep talking about it as the decision has been made. They stopped for a while but last week on the phone and at a meal yesterday they brought it up again, with our children there. They’ve never been interested in our children’s schooling until now.

Not that it really matters, but to be clear these are views that I have developed in adulthood, not childhood, by virtue of my experiences in my career.

@RunBeforeBreakfast if your DC went to the local state secondary would it the same school that their cousins would /are attending?

Next time they invite you to something your DH needs to say ‘we’d love to come, but can we agree that discussing our child’s school is off the table? I know we disagree on it, but neither of us are going to change our minds, and it’s just causing arguments which make the atmosphere really unpleasant. If you do bring up the private the school topic then we will leave.’ And then follow through on it. If they say ‘well we can’t help it it comes up in conversation’ then say you won’t go then. I expect it will all settle down a bit when your child starts, though watch out for any little digs or comments and pull your in laws up on them.

You are seeing this through one lense. Private schools are a god send for kids with SEN because our state system refuses to adequately provide for SEN kids. OP, tell them you are making the right decision for your DC and it’s really not their business.

I have had this with a few people. A couple of people in my social circle are vehemently opposed to private schools (which I partially understand).

I just say I understand your position but I don’t want to discuss it with you at the moment.

They are jealous and curious. There's a lot of misunderstanding about private schools. They will be asking you a lot of 'strange' questions in the future. Then you will realise that they have no understanding of the private school system. Simply reading this thread proves that people have ignorant prejudices.

I was a grammar school girl. There were a lot of ignorant prejudices about grammar schools. They were abolished in this area. We couldn't afford private school but if we could have, we would have sent offspring there. They would have flourished.

For those who say you meet a wide range of people at comprehensive. No you don't. The comp had people from our area and a couple of other primaries. The kids were sorted into A band and B band and they never mixed. A band should have been stretched more but it was just box ticking really.

All the people I know who were privately educated have better social skills and mix with a wide range of people. A lot of state school students have very poor social skills.

There is a large, very successful private school in our area. I have heard a lot of venom about it. The venom is all from people who have never even visited the school,- which tries to have good community relationships- including summer schools etc. We have used its facilities.

There's a very large proportion of people who openly admit that they'd love to send their kids to private school but can't afford it.

Hopefully, the novelty of your kids going privately will wear off and so will the criticism.

They are jealous and curious. There's a lot of misunderstanding about private schools. They will be asking you a lot of 'strange' questions in the future. Then you will realise that they have no understanding of the private school system. Simply reading this thread proves that people have ignorant prejudices.

Not necessarily. The 'they're just jealous' response is the classic childhood way of explaining away something without any of it being to do with you. They simply think that the existence of private schools is unethical, and have no curiosity about their internal workings, or 'prejudices' whatsoever. There's nothing at all 'prejudicial', for instance, in thinking that private schools widen inequality, and that certainly does not need to come from a position of ignorance.

Yep and they actively block poorer kids from getting a place at a great school because they do this. There are only so many places at excellent schools in this country and if a rich person is willing to play for their kids to go private then this frees up the space for another child that couldn't afford to do this.

I went to crap schools and I would have loved to go to the better school in my town but I didn't live in the right catchment. If more wealthy parents had paid to go private then I might have been able to get an out of catchment space. I think the governments mad not to encourage as many people as possible to go private.

Hi OP

I think I'd put it back on them. I'd message them and say that they've made their views clear and whilst you understand where they're coming from and you recognise they're entitled to these views, you have made a choice that you think is best for your child. You've made it clear that you don't want to discuss it any more, because your views are never going to align, but they're repeatedly ignoring this request to the point of discussing it infront of your child which you don't think is appropriate. I'd ask them given you're not going to change your mind, what do they think is the way forward? Tell them what you've said here that you've asked nicely and the only other solution you can think of is to leave when they bring it up again but you don't want to do this as won't be good for cousin relations.

Prince Philip wanted William and Harry to go to Gordonstoun, where their father was desperately unhappy.
Diana replied: I think not.

That was the end of the discussion.

A short reply to the in laws is needed in order to close the conversation.
Something like - the decision is made, the discussion is closed.

They sound tedious and jealous. I sent one of my kids to private school as he was sick of getting beaten up every day while the teachers stood by idly doing nothing. It was life changing. It’s the education that the state is supposed to provide by can’t be arsed with. If you have no other use for the cash and your state option is less than ideal it’s morally wrong to let your child and their education suffer more.

This. HTH

I take it that you are against private schools. Please explain to us all, in detail please, how private schools widen inequality? Was @Bringing child being beaten up in order to make him more equal? Were the staff looking the other way because all children get beaten up by others and this is the right and proper way for schools to function? Was @Bringing wrong to do the best for her child? Should @Bringing have done the right thing and left her child to be beaten up, instead of helping him to flourish?

My hairdresser told me that our local private school should be blown off the face of this earth and not allowed to exist. Followed by lots of prejudiced statements which were totally wrong, followed by lots of questions - because they were curious, followed by complaints that their child couldn't go there and couldn't have a similar education. In fact, their child was clever and is now at Uni, the child could have applied for a scholarship. The local private school was granting lots of scholarships prior to the Labour tax raid. (Good old Labour government is depriving kids from a poor background a chance at a decent education.) The hairdresser hadn't even looked at what was on offer for their child. Most of the private school haters that I meet follow this pattern.

The big difference with private schools is that they won't have shitty kids. They don't tolerate poor behaviour. All the private school kids that I meet tend to be articulate, confident, polite, helpful and well behaved. This is not the same as being 'stuck up'. Another misapprehension.

@HarshbutTrue2 time for a new hairdresser lol

I don’t really believe in private schooling. However, I would expect, on a scale of 1-10, my beliefs to score about zero when it comes to where you send your children to school. Tell them to mind their own bloody business.

Tell them very straight - the way you decide to educate your children is our business and it isn't up for discussion- end of!

I always said if my Dd struggled at state school then I would send her to private. My mother was dead against it, probably because she thought it would be
'snobbish' 🙄😅, she ended up doing well at state school so it didn't happen, however if I chose private schooling then my mum's opinion wouldn't have changed my mind.

Ask them if they value your relationship so poorly that they are willing to throw it away over a difference of opinion. Explain you know their view and they don't need to repeat it over and over - they are becoming boring to spend time with as they have no other conversation.

Just say - "every seed needs the right flower pot to grow well and we believe this is the right one for our little seed.- I'm sure you will or have in the past made decisions in what you thought were in the best interests of your children /family -please respect ours." And add "I'd rather not speak about this again."
My DS started at independent school after state primary last year and is doing well with brilliant opportunities. It is such a divisive subject though- I find it so strange.

Not family but friends.

We've patched things up, but it was very clear they disapproved. However, what really bothered me about it was that it appeared to be a class thing with DH - they had a set of rich friends through their religious community whose children were privately educated and I'm 100% certain they would never have raised this with them. It was 'normal' for them. They felt DH was getting 'uppity' is the view I got.

Is there anything they do that you believe is unethical?