to ask how to deal with family criticism over sending our child to a private school?

[RunBeforeBreakfast]

If you have sent your children to private school, have you had any negativity about it from others, especially family? If so how have you dealt with it?

Our children currently go to state primary but our oldest will be going to a private secondary school in September. It’s a nice school and we feel it will suit her. Since telling our family, some of them have been really critical of our choice as they don’t agree with private schools. I’ve listened to what they have said and understand their point of view, but ultimately, it’s our choice and I’ve said I don’t want to keep talking about it as the decision has been made. They stopped for a while but last week on the phone and at a meal yesterday they brought it up again, with our children there. They’ve never been interested in our children’s schooling until now.

I think you can:

• Be clear you have a contingency plan for the fees if you were to be made redundant/ become seriously ill so there's no way they will ever be asked to contribute.
• Talk about arrangements for your eldest to stay in touch with local friends from primary school.
• Be clear this is for your daughter - if the longer school day doesn't suit her / they're doing too much spoon feeding rather than encouraging independent work etc you'd find a different school. (The other thing that is true of some independent schools is that there is too much pressure for high academic achievement leading to some girls developing eating disorders - but you'd be keeping an eye on your daughter to look for signs of worsening mental health / too much worry about school work / odd eating habits).
• Keep teaching your daughter life skills (my own prejudices from arriving at university - people from independent schools couldn't change light bulbs)

Then wait - once your daughter starts and starts talking about school a lot of the prejudices will fall away to be replaced by more accurate assessments of this particular school.

When your daughter is a bit older you can encourage her to look at voluntary work and/or a Saturday job.

How dare they judge your ethics, I really would tell them to fuck off and if you are too polite give them a wide berth.

I didn't tell you where to send your kids to school so kindly stop criticising my choice for my DD.

Can you just say. Give me. Break guys - it’s up to me. You don’t have to agree but you can choose not to be mean. Just be straight like that.

"I don't think we will ever agree on this, so there doesnt seem much point in going over it again, and we will just have to leave it at seeing things differently".

Yeah my SIL and her husband have had lots to say about my kids being at private school. I think it may be because they actually would love to be able to do the same for their kids but can’t. I bit my tongue for a while (2 years!) but now I see that as being an issue I can’t help her with, and don’t need to justify myself to them. The last time she started opining I just shut it down with “thank goodness we all get to choose what WE think it right for our OWN kids. I wouldn’t dream of criticising your choices, please extend that courtesy to us. Our kids are happy and that’s enough for us”. Repeat. My eldest DS is actually very vocal about how much he loves his school and has taken her to task when she has brought it up. He went to a shit state school for 4 years and has lots to say on the issue! I’m not stepping in to stop him! Out of the mouths of babes….

Your kids, your rules. Perhaps point out that your children will be shut off from opportunities in the future as more and more graduate schemes, apprenticeships, are closed to the privately educated and more and more widening participation programmes are extended?
they'd probably like to hear that.

I remember my own mum having similar negative attitude when her niece went to a private secondary school and a lot of eye rolling. Roll on a few years later and she indeed sent my younger brother to private secondary school also 🤣 I think a lot of it stems from jealously that you have the choice to pick from a selection of school and do what is best for your child when a lot have to just take what's given. It's brilliant that you are sending them to a school that they will hopefully have a great experience with, ignore the family members, let them eye roll and make comments. If anything lime mine they'll see the difference and end up sending their kids too 😆

I would say “due to DC being so excited about school in September and us wanting to keep up this excitement, we only allow positive conversations regarding the wonderful school DC is going to - so positivity or no conversation please” and when they inevitably carry on bashing the school situation say “no conversation it is then” and grab your stuff and leave. Fuck twats like that who can’t be respectful of others life choices.

We had the same issues but not to this extend. We heard they’d be spoiled and entitled but I said it’s up to us how we bring them up and make sure they stay humble and hard working. We both come from poor families. I know many privately educated children that are lovely.
people have this crazy idea that children in private schools are completely detached from reality where in our school it’s mainly families where parents have done well in life, got good education etc and don’t come from rich background. So maybe enlighten your in laws that it’s not always the case they’d hang out with spoilt kids. Plenty of them in state schools too 🙄
At least we don’t hear any comments anymore because the family sees they’re still normal and lovely children. Ask them why wouldn’t they won’t the best education for their grandchild. How does it affect them? You’re not asking them to pay the tuition fees. good luck! I’m sorry they’re so stubborn

Just be prepared for the risk of them ending up possible arrogant assholes not wanting much to do with you as adults, it's a thing. On the plus side of one is a daughter will probably marry comfortably.

I agree with them and if I was in government I would close every private school down. BUT that is my opinion and has no bearing as to what school any one else sends their children to. These schools exist and whether you choose to send your children there is your choice. Your family need to let it go and as radical as it is you may have to threaten to cease contact to stop them, it may wake them up . As a grand parent, and there are lots of things that the family do I don't agree with as I am sure my family feel about the way I brought my kids up and the decisions we made in relation to them. But the world would be a terrible place if we were all the same. I hope you get through to them soon

second this! Your choice OP as long as you can afford it (and it’s not at their expense) none of their business!
you are doing the right thing for your child and that is paramount

What an extraordinary view of private schools! Positively Victorian, this idea that what education is for is to marry off girls.

And since you don't know what the OP's circumstances are, how on earth can you extrapolate to "she may not want to know you once she's got her education" (there is only one of her, so "them" doesn't apply)?

Also, I am fairly certain from personal experience and from observation that not all private schools are the same any more than all state schools are the same as each other. So it is daft and silly to generalise about them anyway.

My comment is based on what I've seen, I am in Australia which could possibly have been a qualification I could have added. I stand by be mindful. So sad.

Stupid prejudiced misconception.

Point out that you taking your child out of state schooling frees up more money and resources for their kids so you’re doing them a favour really.

Other it’s none of their business.

I don't think it will help to discuss the substance, that's just arguing.

They disagree on principle with private schools, that's an acceptable position to hold and the OP won't get anywhere trying to change their views. However, they need to agree to zip it for the sake of family harmony.

What a nasty, prejudiced attitude. Dh and his siblings all went to boarding or private day school and are lovely people and very close to their parents.

They’ve got an amazing crowd of school friends they are still in contact with who are also kind, modest and generally great people.

You sound like you‘ve got sour grapes.

I wasn’t being entirely serious. I think they should wind their necks in and keep out of OPs decisions. They are obviously entitled to their opinions but I don’t think it’s ok to criticise PP especially in front of the children.

Massive government investment in schools, staffing and equipment usually, together with cogent, consistent policy.

Well they seem to want to fall out with you as they won’t stop after having been asked. Just say I’m not having this conversation. If they continue say ok, we’re done here and leave/put the phone down. Rinse and repeat until they get the message.

This. I have so many smug friends about how they kids go to the state school - that they moved into expensive catchment for!
and then have money to buy every other advantage for their family!

"Your opinions have been heard and considered" then id do what I like

All you can do is say calmly. “I know you don’t agree with our choice but we have decided this for good reasons and we don’t want to discuss it any more. We’ll see how xxx gets on when they start next term” and then just stop engaging about it.