14 year old wants to start dating

[bananaramaboo]

Can I ask for opinions on this because I just want to see how others have managed similar situations. Two daughters 16 and 14. 16 yr old currently doing her GCSE’s 14 yr old in Year 10. I have always told my girls that friendships with boys is totally fine and I think it’s important that they learn to have healthy friendships with boys - but at 14-16 our focus is school and maturity levels aren’t really where they need to be for relationships.
14 yr old came to me yesterday to tell she’s had her first kiss with a boy friend that I knew about. I have always encouraged my girls to talk to me about these things and I said thank you for telling me, how was it, how do you feel etc. Come this morning I sat her down and said the rules haven’t really changed though - I would make clear to this friend that we dont allow dating and that if he wanted to be friends with you that would be fine. She is upset, saying she cant just turn her feelings off for him and she doesn’t want to just be friends.
Am I wrong here? I felt I have always been clear with the rules, and just because she doesn’t agree doesn’t mean she gets to break them. I acknowledge she did the right thing in telling me and don’t want her to feel
like she can’t tell me things.

Or it shows how naive some mums can be 🙄

So what's the difference between a boyfriend and a male friend that she has romantic feelings for, who reciprocates those feelings and they kiss?

You say she can keep him as a friend, but not date - how does that work if you aren't forbidding certain things (like kissing)?

I'm just trying to understand where your line is and how you expect it to be upheld.

For the sake of her own development and sense of self-determination, I fervently hope so.

I cannot IMAGINE have gone to Mummy about my first kiss and discussed it all....twice. It's like some weird cult.

OP, if she's still at home and hasn't had a full relationship in her thirties, this enmeshment will be why.

Yes, quite. He's not a "family boyfriend" who you go out with in turns!

I've read the updates and think the same as other posters. Daughter is telling OP what she wants to hear:
Oh yes mummy I had feelings for him and we kissed and it was amazing and I couldn't wait to do it again but I suddenly completely agree and we are "only friends" again.

I can’t imagine wanting my DD to do everything I say without considering her own feelings either to be honest.

I’m not criticising anyone, I respectfully disagree with your summation of events. And she hasn’t miraculously agreed with me - she and I have discussed it and as earlier posters suggested to me I have wholeheartedly taken on their wise words in acknowledging it’s not that deep - and let’s see how it goes. If she continues to get closer to him that’s cool too. I can move my boundaries… if you read my previous posts I was actually thankful to those who while disagreeing with me made some excellent and relevant posts.

I’m sorry you couldn’t talk to your parents about these things. Neither could I. So am grateful that my DD’s tell me their news.

Yes that's right- she's not going to have been put off by your overbearing reaction at all. She will skip into school on Monday and tell the boy she clearly fancies that Mummy says we must be just friends, and they will share a chaste handshake and all those naughty butterflies will turn back into caterpillars, until she's the age you think she should be when she starts being attracted to people. How excellent that the two of you could agree on her boundaries.

You are hilarious… go ahead and continue to only read what you want from my posts and dismiss my concessions to those posters who helped me move forward. I’m not going to keep repeating myself - you can also choose to be kinder in life. Or not.

I suppose your daughter has been very kind in that case, if you would rather be lied to! Most of us remember being a teenager and fancying a boy for the first time, hence why we know that thinking she's going to be "just friends" with someone, straight after enjoying her first kiss, is a fantasy land. Haven't you heard of hormones?

My daughter met her boyfriend a few days after her 15th birthday.
I didn't object to this as I met my husband when I was 15 too.
It's normal at 14-16 to have boyfriends. Any rules you make will just be broken behind your back.
I know as my Mum tried to prevent me seeing my now husband and I ended up rebelling a bit.
I passed my exams and went on to A levels etc because it's possible to pass exams and have a boyfriend, and I was mature enough to know school mattered.
We got engaged at 18, married at 22 and we're still together 30 years later.

I saw your post that says you’ll invite him over to meet him. Please please please don’t suggest this. They’ve had a snog for gods sake he’s not asking for her hand in marriage! They’ll probably go to Nando’s a couple of times and it will all fizzle out.
My parents were like you with a no boyfriend rule and I was as good as gold. And have grown up with a terrible complex thinking I’m not worthy of being dateable. Let the girl figure it out for herself and don’t force it into something it isn’t.

Of course not; why would you think that?

I suppose I could have done, but like any normal teen who doesn't come from such a weird household, the idea of discussing my first kiss with my mum and how it was and how it made me feel etc. would have made me feel slightly ill. 🤢.

Never mind, I'm sure the presence of Mummy Dearest sitting incongruously in the middle of this sweet teen romance, like a giant duck on a motorway, has dampened any and all ardour. 🙄

Back in my teens (later 40s now), my mum was the one that my friends turned to when they could not discuss things with their own parents. She had always told sister and me that if something isn’t making you feel nice stop doing it. When she first found out l was having sex, around my mid teens she was annoyed. Not that l was having sex per se but that l hadn’t confided in her

OP, your daughter confided in you about her first kiss, a lesser thing l know, but if you start building barriers now, your daughter will be reluctant or even refuse to have more serious conversations in the future. There are many times she will look to you for support. Don’t lose her now?

Yeeeeeeah...do you really think it's going to remain open and honest if you keep telling her she's not allowed a boyfriend til she's 16?

Stop trying to control teen fun.

Because you are far too invested and sucking the magic out of it.

Your PP implied that "fairness" was essential to maintain relationships with the eldest children. But often, parents learn from their mistakes.

I think OP has listened and has begun to shift her boundaries a bit. This thread has made her consider other opinions and I don’t think she will be as unrelenting going forward.

So let them see how it develops. I doubt DD will stick to the ‘no boyfriends’ rule but hopefully OP will see a bit of flex goes a long way.

And that she’ll remember Romeo and Juliet were 13 and 14 and look how badly that turned out when their parents were so rigid 😂

She's right. She can't just turn off her feelings. You can have rules like "your boyfriend isn't allowed to sleep over " you can't have rules like "you're not allowed to fancy boys"

I am sorry some people have forgotten to be kind OP. You asked for opinions on the situation, not character assassination, if I read your post correctly. Surely the point was for you to canvas opinions and reflect on your position, which you very much have. You sound like you are doing a great job by flexing anything: it is so easy to be entrenched in a parenting position, and surely we are all making it up as we go along. There is no perfect answer. Hope it all goes really well OP and I also hope you have ignored unkind descriptions hurled at you by some posters. They seem very much unfounded to me.

Greetings original commenter 💚
I completely comprehend & empathise & also concur with commenters mentioning how she will just resist more if boundaries are rigid 🫂
I understand it's difficult & your worries, I myself remember just too well being 14 & not being open about my bf @ time because I knew of the disapproval 💚
Something about rules making teens wish to resist them & rebel all the more
Wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best Sincere Soul
💚🙏💚

Agreed. I would have been horrified if my mum wanted to invite a boy I had kissed at 14 round to the house to meet her and I am sure most 14 year old boys would run for the hills. They are not getting married, just being teenagers and the last people they want to be involved are Mums. She can talk to you but it’s weird if you invite him round unless they choose to make that decision themselves

Sorry op but you're being too strict. At that age it's unlikely to be much more than holding hands and kissing. By all means have some boundaries for how dating might look eg not having doors shut etc
I say this as someone who had their first "boyfriend" at 12. And started dating my now husband at 16 - I still put the focus into a'levels and university