14 year old wants to start dating

[bananaramaboo]

Can I ask for opinions on this because I just want to see how others have managed similar situations. Two daughters 16 and 14. 16 yr old currently doing her GCSE’s 14 yr old in Year 10. I have always told my girls that friendships with boys is totally fine and I think it’s important that they learn to have healthy friendships with boys - but at 14-16 our focus is school and maturity levels aren’t really where they need to be for relationships.
14 yr old came to me yesterday to tell she’s had her first kiss with a boy friend that I knew about. I have always encouraged my girls to talk to me about these things and I said thank you for telling me, how was it, how do you feel etc. Come this morning I sat her down and said the rules haven’t really changed though - I would make clear to this friend that we dont allow dating and that if he wanted to be friends with you that would be fine. She is upset, saying she cant just turn her feelings off for him and she doesn’t want to just be friends.
Am I wrong here? I felt I have always been clear with the rules, and just because she doesn’t agree doesn’t mean she gets to break them. I acknowledge she did the right thing in telling me and don’t want her to feel
like she can’t tell me things.

You don't seem to be understanding what people are saying to you.

Telling a teenage girl that she can't have a boyfriend is directly equivalent to saying she can't have certain feelings. It is one and the same thing. She is going through puberty and naturally is developing sexual feelings - she can't just turn them off because you say so. It is far, far better for her to slowly explore those feelings with your support and backup than for you to pointlessly 'ban' them so she has to explore them in secret. She is not simply going to stop just because you say so.

My 13 year old DD has a 'boyfriend.' Really it's just a prototypical relationship - they don't see each other without an adult present. He is lovely and I'm pleased she's learning all the basics of how to navigate a relationship with a kind person in a safe environment.

Exploring relationships is normal. Don't make it into a forbidden thing.

But that's still dictating her emotions and trying to control her relationships. You said "We don't really do boyfriends at this stage". That's not something you really get to decide as a parent. You may not have had a boyfriend at her age, but she gets to decide whether she has one, not you.

And I presume you're not going to ban her from going out with her friends to the cinema, so you don't really get to dictate that she can't do exactly the same thing with one particular person because then it's a "date".

You can try and control these aspects of her life if you want, but it's a really bad idea, because she'll just stop telling you about them. You won't know she's out on a date because she'll just tell you she's out with friends. You won't know in a couple of years when she's starting to think about sex because she knows she can't talk to you about her boyfriend.

There are certainly rules you can impose, "You can't go out unless your homework is done" etc. to make sure she's focused on the right things, but trying to dictate her relationships is a truly bad idea.

A first kiss and she tells you and you're all po-faced "Thank you for telling me" as if she'd shoplifted an eyeliner or something! More fool her for telling you.

And then you wanted to discuss it with her - how was it, how did it make her feel, etc.! Blimey, I wouldn't worry about any teenage relationships developing, because it sounds like you're a massive passion-killer! 🤣 I cannot imagine anything worse than deconstructing my first kiss with my MOTHER! And doing the confessional first, as well!

JFC. 🙈 Do you make her wear Victorian nightgowns with the lace up to the chin? I can just imagine that!!!

For her own sake, I hope she rebels a little. By which I mean I hope she kisses him again and keeps it private!!!

My friends that weren’t allowed to date were definitely dating 🤦‍♀️ (and were taking more risks)

You not understanding how having another talk about it, her first kiss, is likely to feel like a grilling, from your daughter’s perspective, is just the tip of the iceberg of the problem.

She came to you with precious, tender sharing and you’ve ruined that with words of caution, boundaries, proving that you’re not a safe person for her to share with.

This is her first kiss - don’t pour cold water over it.

You’re so busy being proud of yourself you can’t see the long-term trust you’re shattering.

This was pretty much my experience, too.

It was my dad who was particularly against me seeing boys, and he was so rude to mine if he ever tried to call by the house that we ended up meeting in secret. At 15, against my own preferences, I gave in to pressure to have sex just because everything was overwhelmingly complicated and it seemed I'd be in trouble whatever I did so I might as well "have some fun." Not that it was much fun.

I really wish my parents had been mature enough to help me tell the difference between a boy who really cared about me and one who was clingy, needy and possessive, just like they were. That's what I thought love looked like.

By saying she's not allowed to date, not allowed to have a boyfriend, you're trying to dictate what emotions and feelings she's allowed to have. That is controlling, and it's also pointless, because you're never going to actually be able to maintain that control.

Exactly. And neither is she!

It was horrible to reach an age where all of a sudden, the feelings I had were frowned upon and somehow "wrong."

Definitely not too young. I had a massive crush on Morton Harket when I was 11. Used to kiss his poster. 😂 Even today I still think he's pretty fine. (I know he's not well though.)

I totally understand why you feel this way and why you have those rules! However, I think this will cause her to do it behind your back, making it harder to know what’s really goinf on. I had my first kiss and bf at 14 or 15. My mum was always very understanding and open - she made it clear that school was to come first, and I shouldn’t be doing anything I wasn’t ready for, but supported me. I always told her everything and never had to hide anything. Although your intention is to keep her safe, you’re leaving the situation open to secrets and lying etc. Perhaps a more flexible approach might be more suitable here.

I wouldn’t be making a big thing about having the boy around to meet him either, she’s not marrying him just getting to know him. It’ll probably only last a week anyway!
I have 3 adult daughters and honestly we only really met boyfriends when they were older and a bit more serious. Both my daughters and the boys would have been mortified if we’d invited them around to meet them. We lived in a village where all their friends were in and out of our house all the time anyway, thinking about it I think that was one of the most important things we did, let them know that their friends were always welcome at ours. As adults now they say they knew they were welcome.

You can’t stop it. Don’t try. I’ve walked this walk. 🙄

Yes I have...you've told her she's only "allowed" to be friends with him when she's told you she feels more than friendship towards him. How is that not telling her her feelings are wrong? You're not making any sense.

I think you're being both too strict and unrealistic. It's great that she's spoken to you but if you come in with a hard no, she'll just do it anyway.
Better to have a discussion with her about what your boundaries are (not alone in the house, times to be back hone by, etc.) as well as about consent and safe sex.

I have always told my girls that friendships with boys is totally fine and I think it’s important that they learn to have healthy friendships with boys - but at 14-16 our focus is school and maturity levels aren’t really where they need to be for relationships.

What was the actual rule/limit that's been stated in your house about an appropriate age to begin dating? It sounds like the ban on early-mid teen dating is a long-standing one which impacted your older daughter as well, and she's now perhaps old enough that it would be allowed - at 16? Or when she turns 17?

If she has abided by the "rules" (whether or not she ever asked for an exception or gave you any indication that she wanted one) or if she was at any point having to "date" in secret to circumvent your rules, I would be very, very careful about just changing things or making a seemingly random exception for your younger daughter. Even if not dating earlier was never a big deal for the older one, even if she actually agreed with your rules, teens can be really really sensitive about inequality, injustice, and being treated more strictly than a sibling for no clear reason. Be careful how you proceed, and how you communicate about it at home, not just to your younger daughter.

I say this from experience, being the youngest and the one who had the "rules" changed for me after it was too late to do my older siblings any good. I didn't understand what was happening at the time. I was just happy to have things easier than I'd expected. But their resentment persisted for quite a while.

By saying you won’t allow it is telling her it’s wrong.

Depends and depends...can you stop her seeing boys after school and on the weekend?

This can go many many different ways

So if you make a mistake with your older children you are obliged to repeat it with younger siblings?

People in my school who weren’t allowed to date were having sex in parks and lying to their parents about being safe at a friends house when they were really with boys.

I would rather know where my child is and them not lie to me so would be very careful about enforcing such blanket ban rules.

Having a boyfriend or having sex with a boy is not dating though...unless they know they want an immediate young family and are going straight to business

"We are both feeling so much better." Whaaat? Why were you both feeling bad? And why did you have to have yet another talk about her first kiss? OP, I really think you've gone off the deep end about this. I mean really. Get a grip!

I hope your DD has learnt her lesson never to tell her mother about sweet romantic things ever again!!!

And just like that she won’t tell you a thing. Well done 👏👏👏

Can’t you remember what it was like to be 14 and like a boy who likes you back?

My dc were dating at 14 and still did well in their exams and carried on their extra curricular activities i think it was a daft rule in tge first place and doesn't encourage openers.

I find the language weird ‘we don’t do boyfriends’ … it is such an odd thing to say, you cannot dictate her personal relationships.

I had zero interest in boys at 14 and wondered how I would react when my DD started dating because I wanted to do the right thing by her. She did start, at 14. I saw it as a good sign that she invited him home and that he stayed to eat with us. My sense was that they were more interested in talking than sex, which turned out to be the case. Seriously, I don't understand how you can impose a rule about dating. When it happens, it happens and you can't change that. At 14, you need to be on the sidelines, trusting your DD and keeping an eye on her school work so you can intervene early if she neglects it.

Typo(

Your daughter told you that she’d kissed a boy? Sad that she feels she needs to share this with you. You may have always had clear rules but this is far too controlling.