14 year old wants to start dating

[bananaramaboo]

Can I ask for opinions on this because I just want to see how others have managed similar situations. Two daughters 16 and 14. 16 yr old currently doing her GCSE’s 14 yr old in Year 10. I have always told my girls that friendships with boys is totally fine and I think it’s important that they learn to have healthy friendships with boys - but at 14-16 our focus is school and maturity levels aren’t really where they need to be for relationships.
14 yr old came to me yesterday to tell she’s had her first kiss with a boy friend that I knew about. I have always encouraged my girls to talk to me about these things and I said thank you for telling me, how was it, how do you feel etc. Come this morning I sat her down and said the rules haven’t really changed though - I would make clear to this friend that we dont allow dating and that if he wanted to be friends with you that would be fine. She is upset, saying she cant just turn her feelings off for him and she doesn’t want to just be friends.
Am I wrong here? I felt I have always been clear with the rules, and just because she doesn’t agree doesn’t mean she gets to break them. I acknowledge she did the right thing in telling me and don’t want her to feel
like she can’t tell me things.

I don't think you know how teenagers work. You're NOT going to be able to stop them.

I told my 14 year old DD about this thread. She doesn't have a boyfriend and doesn't wasn't one. I was saying that it's silly to say to your 14 year old that boyfriends aren't a thing at their age, because she will know from school and from friends that it isn't true! My DD said "You know that she will just have a boyfriend anyway and not tell her v mum, right?" 😁

Agreed, and probably more secretly than if you allowed it.

I'm sorry that she's going to feel that her feelings aren't normal and acceptable and ok to explore. Guilt and shame are never, ever helpful emotions.

It would never occur to me to ban dating. I'll always support my children and they're very successful and talk to me about everything.

You are being unreasonable! Its what teenagers do at that age. How old were you when you had your first kiss? You risk your daughter doing it behind your back and never telling you anything again! Lighten up and let her get on with it, be supportive and understanding!

You want her to focus on her studies to the extent of excluding all romantic feelings for boys?!? If that’s your attitude now, what about a-levels, degree, post-grad studies, career focus etc.? Being this overbearing and intense with her now at just age 14 is a recipe for rebellion as she becomes older and her studies become increasingly higher stakes! Chill out and let her date… or risking losing her, or at least losing the closeness you currently have.

My mum thought I told her everything... thought I had no interest in boys... thought I was an angel child. I knew she wouldn't agree with me dating.

I was with a (lovely) guy from the age of 15 to 20. Sleeping with him from 16. I told her about him just before I turned 18, so 2.5yrs in! He was studious, genuinely a lovely guy, worked part time, we just outgrew eachother after college. But I successfully hid him because I couldn't be dealing with my mothers stupid rants.

I moved away after college and dated my now husband for 18 months before telling my mother 😂 And when I did tell her I told her that I was going on a first date the following weekend. Again I couldn't be arsed listening to her and having awkward conversations.

Meanwhile my 14yr old stepson told his Dad one day that he was texting a girl he had kissed at a disco. Two weeks later he asked could he go meet her at the cinema and my DH dropped him off and picked up. They "dated" for about 3 months. He also told me and I just told him to be nice and courteous. We did tell him that if it continued to develop that we'd eventually like to meet her briefly (not a sit down meal or anything just to be introduced). He soon got bored of dividing his free time between his friend group and hers so they fizzled out. But what I did realise was... he never told his own mother. I asked him had he told his Mum yet, and his response was "No, she'll ask too many questions and never shut up about it and try to get too involved".

I found the fact he willingly told us but not his mum very telling.

My DD is autistic. She has a boyfriend for six months and they split up because they only spoke over snapchat and were too shy to speak in real life. In the end he broke it off and she was glad because she found it too hard to make conversation with him!

Your massively out of touch. Teenage hormones are not guided by rules or our opinion, they fly in the face of those things. My yr 10 has a girlfriend, am I going to sit down and tell him not or do it or let him do it behind my back....

I’m not sure you truly have a choice. You’ve said how you feel but I would accept it , keep open line of communication and be there for her. You risk her going behind your back otherwise and then she might not be as safe.

Meanwhile, in the real world…

It is hard accepting your kids are growing up, I think you can suggest they keep things casual but you can’t tell her she can’t have a boyfriend. That would just be a recipe for encouraging her to lie to you imo.

Not to hijack the thread but it would seem silly to start another. What about a 13 year old (yr8) dating? Do people view this differently to a 14 yr old (yr10)?

Context needed l think.

They will start dating when they start dating. My brother had a "girlfriend" when he was 8, she used to call the house phone every night at 7pm and they would have a 5 minute chat. He "broke up" with her because he found the phone calls boring. I got my first "boyfriend" when I was 11. We held hands and went to each other's birthday parties. He's a professor now. It doesn't need making into a big deal.

My niece age 12 has a "boyfriend". It is very innocent, they call once a week, text a bit, go to the cinema, an go to occasional family dinner etc. Her 16 year old sister has a boyfriend too, but there is probably more to that relationship. Yes, they probably kiss. Yes, they are hormonal teenagers. Maybe encourage something like the above so she gets what she wants, but doesn't resent you. Saying no will just result in secrecy, which you obviously want to avoid. Give it guardrails for your comfort, but work with her. It's great she can approach you, those years are tricky.

Work with her not against her otherwise you will loose her trust and confidences. You will not stop it but she will not tell you

Not much exciting context, dd has a crush and the boy in question likes her too, both13. They are just chatting and texting. I'd prefer her to wait with anything dating related until 14 at least, 13 seems young. A girl in her form has been dating (proper dating, snogging and god knows what else) and gossiping about her experiences since she was 11, with rotating boyfriends, some older. I worry for her. I had a boyfriend when I was 12, we held hands, may have kissed, which I found gross 😂and he gave me the ick soon after.

I think everyone is being harsh. I absolutely wouldn’t allow it. My daughter is age 13, lovely group of friends. All dating, also giving band jobs, blow jobs and a few other things. She asked me about it all. Also the girls are constantly dumped lowering their self esteem, which why would I want this. She has friends clubs and lots of interests and I wouldn’t be allowing her to date.

What is a band job?

You can ban her from telling you about it but you can't ban her from doing it. When she wants to date, she will.

Thats actually a really good point about being dumped and bad mouthed after. At 13 the whole things seems quite pointless. They get bored of each other or move on to sexual things they shouldn't at that age. 15 is a different matter.

You say you absolutely wouldn't allow it but I don't see how you would be able to stop it, even though I agree 13 is too young for the sexual activity you describe.

I don't think you should allow it because they 'relationship' will inevitably go wrong which will be traumatic and something she will remember forever. She isn't going to listen to you though but you need to shut it down.