14 year old wants to start dating

[bananaramaboo]

Can I ask for opinions on this because I just want to see how others have managed similar situations. Two daughters 16 and 14. 16 yr old currently doing her GCSE’s 14 yr old in Year 10. I have always told my girls that friendships with boys is totally fine and I think it’s important that they learn to have healthy friendships with boys - but at 14-16 our focus is school and maturity levels aren’t really where they need to be for relationships.
14 yr old came to me yesterday to tell she’s had her first kiss with a boy friend that I knew about. I have always encouraged my girls to talk to me about these things and I said thank you for telling me, how was it, how do you feel etc. Come this morning I sat her down and said the rules haven’t really changed though - I would make clear to this friend that we dont allow dating and that if he wanted to be friends with you that would be fine. She is upset, saying she cant just turn her feelings off for him and she doesn’t want to just be friends.
Am I wrong here? I felt I have always been clear with the rules, and just because she doesn’t agree doesn’t mean she gets to break them. I acknowledge she did the right thing in telling me and don’t want her to feel
like she can’t tell me things.

I agree...someone needs to remind Mum that this isn't a sharing situation, he's not her boyfriend. 😂

I said we don’t really do boyfriends/ dates but stick to friendships at this stage

Who is the ‘we’ in this scenario?

I was 14 in the late 90s. My parents were super strict/didn't talk about relationships, but I'd still kissed (and done more with) a few boys when I was 14. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18/19 and had left home and was in my first serious relationship. I think; acknowledge that kisses are exciting and it's perfectly normal to feel that way, but kisses don't always have to lead to more. If a boy suggests sex, it' normal to take some time to talk about needing to sort contraception and how that might change the relationship going forward.

OP, she was excited to share her news with you that she had kissed a boy she liked and you responded by forbidding it, which was not a new rule, by the sounds of it. It doesn't sound like your rule got off to a flying start.

I think parents of teenagers have a choice: strict rules and something between lies and non-disclosure, or less rules and an open dialogue. I know which I would prefer.

What is it about 'dating' that you are afraid of? Historically, banning the relationships of others hasn't gone well. Might she be better dipping a toe in this world while she still lives with you and can ask for your advice? It sounds to me like she would. I imagine you have other rules to preclude things you wouldn't want her to do that might interfere with her studies etc.

I think secret relationships might be rather enticing for teenagers: Romeo and Juliet comes to mind. Your prohibition might make this boy seem really exciting. If she 'dated' him she might find it not half as exciting as she is imagining and you might get your wish.

I think when my time comes with DD14 who currently has no interest in dating because she thinks it's pointless at her age, I will let her handle it as far as I can. She's made really good decisions for herself so far and I trust her intuition. Lots of rules feels like a vote of no confidence in your kid's abilities to navigate their world.

This boy might have been imagining the odd kiss and a few messages as his interpretation of dating : the invitation to dinner might cause him to take fright and reconsider. Good for him if not.

Your DD sounds like a great kid, OP. Might you be able to trust her to manage 'dating' with you very much available for back up/advice?

Op, maybe you should look up the definition of the word controlling. Because as much as you might say it’s just house rules - friendships and romantic relationships are not within the confines of your house, so making rules about them is attempting to control what your DD does even when it doesn’t have any effect on you (or your house). You are worried she will derail her studies and you are attempting to control the situation to stop that from happening.

Control is not necessarily a bad thing, and to say someone is controlling is not necessarily an insult. Controlling a car for example is an important behaviour, and not something you would call insulting. The thing here is that your daughter is her own person. Not a car, and not an extension of you. Trying to say that she can’t manage her own time at her age and make appropriate decisions about the level of time and energy she chooses to give to this boy IS controlling another human being in an entirely unnecessary way.

You don’t have to listen to anyone here, but you did ask for opinions. Maybe you were hoping everyone would agree with you, but that isn’t the case. It’s not just about whether your Dd says she agrees with you and will follow your advice - she might well say that, even if she doesn’t agree and even if she has her own ideas about how she will behave when she leaves your house tomorrow.

She might work really hard at school so that she can leave home as early as possible and live her life according to her own rules and never see you again. That may be worse for her in the end than just letting her have a boyfriend in an ordinary way for her age.

As a parent of 2 absolutely lovely teen girls, house rules can get really murky really quickly. 14 yo had a cute relationship with a boy. Easy rules. Now 17, she’s in a relationship with a girl. What are the rules? I’m not banning them from being in her room. Then she had a bunch of mates over and asked if a friend could stay (a boy) … he slept on her floor. It gets incredibly complicated having ‘rules’ when so many girls are pansexual anyway.

So you "haven't forbidden anything" but "we don't allow dating."

Which is it? You sound confused and confusing.

I think all you have done is teach your daughter not to be open with you from now on.

If they want to be boyfriend/girlfriend they will be, but now they will hide it from you.

It's a MUCH better idea to "permit" it and know all about it than, basically, encourage a young teenager to start lying to you. Bad habits.

I think you’re far too involved in your children’s lives, give her a break. Id agree too young for s3x but not a boyfriend & a bit kissing. Being so strict will only make her a better liar btw

Whether you agree or not, you are being condescending and controlling. We don’t have boyfriends? We? Seriously you’re just encouraging your open and honest child to start hiding things from you. Let her have a boyfriend for goodness sake.

You are being ridiculous.

Why is that sad? My son told us when he'd kissed a girl and tells us about his girlfriend, he's 13. It's nice he shares it with us and feels like he can

This!

Wise up and let her live.

I would never condone a 14 year old having a boyfriend/girlfriend. So interesting to hear how other people enable their children to have adult experiences.

Experimenting with romantic relationships is entirely normal developmental behaviour for a 14 yo. Having your first kiss is not an adult experience.

Not sure why there’s so much anger and name calling on this thread. If you disagree with my approach that’s your prerogative, why choose to be rude about it? How sad that we can’t share our opinions and experiences without becoming offensive. I’m being condescending and controlling.. by putting some house rules in place? To me that’s the definition of parenting. Having spoken to my daughter today she’s happy with how we’ve settled on it for now - which is to enjoy the friendship and keep an open mind. It is not more serious than that. Why are so many of you so quick to judge. And as for being too involved in my children’s lives… she chooses to share things with me, which is lovely. I am sorry if your children do not do the same. But define it in any way that makes you feel better.

So you didn’t have your first relationship until you were 18?

Creating an environment where your teenagers keep things from you - like I did from my mother growing up - means they are doing things you don't condone, but in secret. That creates more problems

Or she's telling you what you want to hear and is going to date him in secret

They are still friends, nothing secretive about it? Why have you decided that our open and honest relationship won’t and can’t continue? Life isn’t so black and white.

The pp is rightly pointing out that teenagers often tell their parents what they know their parents want to hear, and then go ahead and do what they want, knowing their parents wouldn’t approve. So you don’t know how open and honest your relationship really is. Especially if you’re talking about “allowing” or “not allowing” perfectly ordinary behaviour that you can’t actually enforce.

I think that what this thread has established is what might seem perfectly ordinary behaviour is different for lots of people. And you certainly don’t know how open and honest our relationship is either - it really seems to be eating up people that heaven forbid a teen might actually choose to be truthful to her mum. Can you imagine?!?

@bananaramaboo you've started a thread asking if you are wrong, most have said yes the believe you are and then you come back criticising everyone who didn't agree with you, so what was the point? The point I was making was you told you daily dating wasn't allowed and she said she couldn't turn her feelings off and then suddenly she agrees with you. I would be suspicious about such a turn around. I know when I was a teen I was very good at telling my parents one thing and doing then opposite, they were also very controlling.