Does anyone else prefer doing things just with their Dc?

[Whatwillbecomeofus]

As opposed to with your Dh/dp?

I always sort of look forward to us all being off and weekends and planning days out, but when it comes down to it, it’s quite rare that it goes as well as when it’s just me and Dd
Ive started to plan ‘Girls days’ as a reason for it to be just us. I feel lighter and happier
I’m guessing this isn’t normal, does anyone else feel like this?

FWIW I’ve seen plenty of wives put their husbands first in absolutely everything and their relationships still broke down. I see far fewer men putting their wives (or indeed children) first in all things.

That's just as bad though. I'm not saying people should be putting their partners or relationships first all the time to the detriment of their kids. I'm saying there needs to be balance. Sometimes you need to put your kids first, sometimes you need to put your partner first, or even yourself.

To give you an example, DP is like you. For her, DD comes first, that's it. But that's not always a winning strategy. DP gets migraines, and a big trigger for her is not having eaten properly. When DD was little, we'd come back from somewhere, DD would be hungry and cranky, and I could see that DP was heading down the path of getting a migraine. So I'd make DP some lunch, and then make DDs. DP used to get so wound up that I was doing her food first. But to me, that's basic triage. If I make DPs lunch first, then the worst that happens is DD is cranky for an extra 10 minutes. If I make DD's first, then DP gets a migraine and everyone has a worse afternoon.

Yes, that's a small example, but its true of big stuff as well. In the house fire analogy from my last post, if I help DP rather than DD, then there's a 90% chance we all get out alive. If I go and help DD, who's a perfectly healthy adult, then DP is probably popping her clogs.

The best outcome for DD is that we all get out alive and she doesn't have to lose her mother. So I'm going to do what's needed to make that the most likely outcome.

(Whats actually most likely to happen is that we all get out fine, and then DP and DD try and send me back in to get the bloody cat, because I know exactly where in the pecking order I sit, and it's below that devil creature)

Maybe you and previous posters are right and it's a Mum thing vs a Dad thing, but I will always look for the best outcome for all of us, rather than the best outcome specifically for DD.

Have you just the one child?

I’m really quite shocked you’d leave your Dd, both Dh and I would put her before ourselves, it’s just natural

I’ll probably leave

100% feel the same

I would always choose for it to be the 4 of us, holidays, trips, days out etc We're all happier together ❤️

But I do still enjoy 1-1 time with both of mine, and the very occasional day out just me and the kids.

Are you male?

I think the lack of kids is the issue here!

A lot of men do not enjoy spending time with their children, and make this lack of enjoyment clear by stropping, sulking and being generally difficult on family days out. Those same men are generally fine on dates (so you wouldn’t know prior to having kids with them).

Sorry to hear that OP. This is your life for living too. I’d be very tempted to ask him to make a bit more effort for valuable family time. Good luck to you. Xx

I am yes.

I don't think you do feel the same as this poster, OP. Haven't you said that you will probably leave your husband once your kids are grown up? That suggests you don't really love him and are unhappy with him.

I absolutely adore my kids and I love spending time with them, but I much prefer us all to be together as a family than just me and the kids. I also love days out that are child-free. Growing up I always knew my parents loved each other deeply and that they looked forward to all the things they would do once we had all flown the nest - and it's great watching them do that! I want my relationship to be the same.

Just ignore all the posters that say your relationship must be on the rocks if you enjoy spending 1:1 time with your children. Its a lovely thing to do and often easier to find fun things that you mutually enjoy. I often taken mine away for the weekend as I get them all to myself. Dh is great but he can dominate activities and often refuses to do things he wont enjoy.

Is the last sentence a typo?

“I really enjoy that time with him solo and we can do whatever he wants without factoring in anyone else”

What about you?! You have a nice time with your kids and that’s easier than with DH but when do things with your husband than he gets to do what he wants? Not we want? Doesn’t sound great to be honest. Not saying I’m in a much better position but to be very frank but I think DH is a bit of a prick because he is so rigid and I need to accommodate his preferences so much.

Couldn’t agree more.

Rather just do stuff on my own. My sons are adults now. Ds1 is such easy company. So laid back and nothing fazes him. Dh is a bit of a difficult character. He seems to like to refute what I say a lot of the time plus he likes to be left in peace (as do I) so he can bugger off and do his own thing. Together 31 years.

Yes. Not by choice.

That’s interesting, I would say the majority of mothers would always put their child first, I actually don’t know any that would prioritise their partner over their child in a burning fire!

I was talking about in regards to putting her child first

All things being equal, I'd pick DD. So if both were unconscious, I couldn't carry them both out of the house, I'd pick DD.

But all things aren't equal. DD is an adult, able bodied, is likely to be awake and alert the moment the smoke alarm goes off. Can get out of her bedroom window and onto the porch and then down if need be.

DP on the other hand is likely to experience about 15 minutes of confusion and fogginess upon waking due to a medical condition, especially in an unfamiliar or emergency situation. Left to her own devices, there's a good chance, she wouldn't cope.

So my best chance of my entire family getting out alive is to trust DD to save herself, and help DP.

Well, not to be a total downer, but before kids i think i would have said the same thing. And even now I would much rather have time alone with my partner if possible. But three kids later and his own neurodivergence coming out in full force with their arrival. Now time with him and the kids is either really wonderful OR terrible.
Because he cant deal well when the kids are struggling. So instead of just having the kids meltdowns to deal with, I have his too.
And you'll never know till you have kids, how much your relationship will be changed by them.

Christ no and he knows that.

Yes. The love for your child is like no other. I love DP with all my heart but I’d give my life (and DP’s) for DD.

I don't think it's that unusual. Sometimes when it's just you and your child, everything feels simpler and more relaxed with less compromise and fewer dynamics to manage. I love family days too, but I definitely enjoy one-to-one time with my DS and often find it easier and more enjoyable.

I totally agree. It is much much simpler when it is just me and my children.

My husband is another person I’d need to explain things too and coordinate and accommodate. Either by just doing it, which would be seen as “treating him like a child” or by dressing it all up as equal decision making when it isn’t. Either way it is exhausting.

I admit it is quite helpful to have another adult there when loo trips/queueing etc, but not so helpful it makes up for the extra effort of having him along.

It also infuriates me that he’ll come on family days out that I organise, be a bit mopey and a make no decisions and generally be in my way, but there is absolutely no way he’d ever organise a family day for me to go along on. So that makes me resent his tagging along.

There are a lot of issues!

In many cases the men are absolutely fine in that situation - it is parenting, or their wife’s attention being focused elsewhere, which is the problem.

A poster upthread said her partner was fine on couples trips “because we can do exactly what he wants” - that, I’m afraid, is the issue. When you are out with a toddler you have to consider their needs too.