Does anyone else prefer doing things just with their Dc?

[Whatwillbecomeofus]

As opposed to with your Dh/dp?

I always sort of look forward to us all being off and weekends and planning days out, but when it comes down to it, it’s quite rare that it goes as well as when it’s just me and Dd
Ive started to plan ‘Girls days’ as a reason for it to be just us. I feel lighter and happier
I’m guessing this isn’t normal, does anyone else feel like this?

Yes exactly this. I love days out with just me and DH. I used to work 4 days a week and so had one day a week in the school holidays when it would be just me and the kids going on adventures. Days out with everyone involve more compromises / me being peacekeeper between what DH wants to do and what dc want to do (I enjoy both types of days out).

Best - me and one child
second best - me and both children
worst - children + me and DH

have no idea why two adults makes it harder; should be the opposite, but it does.

I think this is really common and I’m guessing you’re the main carer for your DD, OP. Yes,it’s completely natural that the two of you have an easy way together- that’s normal and a typical thing of being the main carer. Your husband doesn’t have as much experience yet as you do and therefore isn’t as adept and perhaps has unrealistic expectations.

This is very normal and exactly what hat I experienced when my kids were small (20 years ago). Assuming he’s otherwise a nice chap I would urge you not to dwell on it. It’s a normal part of one parent doing more childcare than the other. It doesn’t mean he’s any sort of bad dad or husband.

also don’t lean into it and try to do even more things just you and dd. The way you get through it is your husband gaining more experience, not just giving up. All three of you will benefit from you facilitating the bond between the two of them and from him doing more things with dd, even if it seems harder that way in the short term.

Same here

My day, my rules, no messing

Sadly I feel the same with my 2 teen DDs. Things feel more relaxed and i do feel like it's a girls day / evening. The kids bicker a lot which is wearing, but no easier with 2 parents. They talk more freely about friends and relationships with me. I have definitely been the default parent but also DH doesn't remember so much detail about their lives so when they want to talk about friends, it's bound to be easier with me.

I will say things are not great between DH and I and he also suffers from depression, which he is not managing well at the moment, so family days are sometimes difficult, which I feel sad about.

Hmm so you use him to breed and now gets relegated. Nice

My DH says exactly the same thing about DS and me so the feeling is very much mutual, don’t worry.

I'm not worried.If you both happy with it then fine However it was a major part of the reason that I split with DSs dad.

My first holiday,alone with my children was absolutely the best.
We decided what to do. And more importantly,what not to do.
There was no pressure to make sure we got out money's worth.
If a place was rubbish. We left.
If ex had been there we would have had to stay.

I‘m a single parent and my children are my best friends. They’re fantastic company. Watching them enjoy the world is my greatest joy. That said, we sometimes go on holiday with their dad and I sometimes enjoy that too, just another adult to watch them and take them to the loo, or go to the park. It’s easier, but I’m less relaxed.

I'm the opposite. I much prefer doing things with DH and DC rather than just DC because I find it easier.

being the child of warring parents who actively despised each other
there is no greater gift you can give your children than happy parents who love each other, and prioritise their marriage as well as being parents

children are not the centre of the world, ideally they should see adult relationships as important
i did not have this and it has shaped my whole life

Definitely DD & I. DH is a grumpy old man. He used to be fun. Doesn't want to go anywhere, and if he does go, always comments later that he didn't want to go. Sometimes he just grumps all day. I end up compromising on everything I want to keep him happy enough to not ruin DC day. I don't enjoy it at all & it's hard work.

It does sting that if it's for his DF or hobby, he's suddenly motivated, organised & springs out the door, happy.

DS is a teen and isn't interested anymore, which I do find sad.

DD though, is happy to spend time with me. We choose simple things to do, somewhere to eat, it costs very little and it's easy and fun. I love the rare weekends when DH & DS are away with their hobby.

I think we have more fun if DH isn’t there sometimes because I can just engage with the kids and not worry about entertaining him (not that he needs it). But we have good family days out too
i think he bores more easily than me

Yes I do. One of my favourite holidays was with just the children (adults/older teens).
Love DH to bits, but we’re very different. I’m laid back and normally like to go with the flow. Little phases me. DH on the other hand analyses everything , which can put a downer on stuff unnecessarily, so I can’t help but sometimes love doing stuff without him!

We do equally do stuff together too, I just have to be prepared for it to be micromanaged within an inch of its life

Not just you, my DH rarely comes anywhere with me and DD even more so now that she’s a teenager and only really wants to go clothes shopping! Would rather not have to spend the day with him moaning about going in different shops. Going out to eat is fine for us all to do but that’s about it.

When I think back to when I first had doubts about my now-ex, it was when he went away on a work trip for three weeks, leaving me with a two-year-old and five-month-old. The trip was preceded by lots of hand-wringing from him about how sorry he was to have to go (on what was effectively a non-stop jolly courting his business) because of how hard it would be on me.

It was actually a breeze, a bit of a juggle but generally very stress-free. A few days before he was due back I found myself dreading his return and realising it was because I constantly had to walk on eggshells around his moods, listen to his negative monologues and cheer him up, all while feeling resentful that I had to ask for almost all the help he gave me with the kids and the house.

At that time I felt some honest conversations might fix the problem, more fool me. I think the previous poster who said that quite a few men seem fine when they don’t have to share any attention, but once kids come along, their selfishness and consequent moodiness becomes apparent.

You’ve nailed it!

I know a lot of parents feel this way - probably most actually. But I don’t. I love my DC, would unhesitatingly lay down my life for them, but DH is the one I chose. I made promises to him on our wedding day. I relate to @Loulou4022’s post.

(The following isn’t directed at OP btw) I can only speak for myself, and I get that it’s counterintuitive, but I feel like our three boys are going to be happiest and most secure if DH and me are rock solid in our relationship.

So that means that, as long as they are fed and safe and their emotional needs are broadly met, DH and I will make an effort to put each other first, and explain to the boys why we’re doing that.
I don’t ever want him to feel like he just gets the fag ends of my time and energy, once I’ve given the best of myself to the DC.
I’ve seen it happen too often that eventually both partners end up being sidelined in favour of their DC, and that is the death of their relationship.

Also, again only speaking personally, my sense is that it would do my children no good at all to feel like they are the number one most important thing in the family and that their needs should - and will - always be centred.

My feeling is that my boys need to know their place in the pecking order (I use this term lightly) Yes, they are of course important, but the survival and thriving of our family unit depends on their parents getting on.

That said, I completely understand that every person and every relationship is different. People need to do what works for them.

OP, hope this wasn’t a thread derail. 🙈 You raise an interesting issue and your post and the replies have been very thought-provoking - thank you. Wishing you all the best.

My DH was my best friend too. Turned out I wasn't his. I thought we had a strong marriage, turned out he was hiding his true feelings. He was great pre kids but absolutely useless post kids. Happens to too many women and that is down to the men not being honest rather than women choosing the wrong man.

OP, yes I found it easier and more pleasant without him and definitely we laughed more over silly things. Unfortunately we needed him for driving but in the later years he used to storm off, eg at the zoo he would stride off to the monkeys with his huge manly strides and we would make our way slowly looking at everything on the way, including robins and bumblebees. That helped.

Thank god! I was beginning to feel abnormal! 🤣 I know my situation is slightly different as we don’t have children but like you I feel that I chose DH and want to spend my life with him. Everyone prioritising their kids that’s great but what happens when at 17 they start moving on, off to uni, families of their own and you’re left with a relationship that’s been neglected for 17 + years! When I grew up my parents loved me and we still have a great relationship but I wasn’t the be all and end all of the family home, the whole world didn’t revolve around me and my wants and needs!

Not for me. My DH is my favourite person and the first person I would choose to spend time with. I still regularly get nostalgic about the time we had together pre kids and I’m looking forward to them getting to an age where it’s easier for us to get more time together.

As for having the kids on my own, I find it so wearing constantly adjudicating fights and listening to the constant requests for things, questions about banalities etc

@Stade197
Most children love to do the things you say your son likes to do. Why does Asd and adhd always have to come into these things.
Why not just enjoy your little boy instead of looking at getting him labeled

My three married daughters and I are exactly the same. The husbands don't like anything child related. Won't sit on the beach with us, just the wall. Don't like playgrounds, don't join in with the children. So days out without them are much more relaxed without anyone moaning or saying that it is time to go home.

Which is why a PP's suggestion that comments of 'my DH is my best friend, I want to spend every second of my life with him, above everyone else', from people who don't have children, aren't necessarily relevant.

Things can change after couples have kids, whether it's one or both of them, and it's easy to assume it'll never change for your relationship, but until it happens, you can't know. And this isn't a smug 'oh you wouldn't understand till you have them', because I used to HATE hearing that from people before I had my son. It's just that @Whatwillbecomeofus is asking specifically whether other people with husbands and kids experience this!

And FWIW, OP, I think this is a him problem, not a you problem. Is it just days out when he makes things tense?