Does anyone else prefer doing things just with their Dc?

[Whatwillbecomeofus]

As opposed to with your Dh/dp?

I always sort of look forward to us all being off and weekends and planning days out, but when it comes down to it, it’s quite rare that it goes as well as when it’s just me and Dd
Ive started to plan ‘Girls days’ as a reason for it to be just us. I feel lighter and happier
I’m guessing this isn’t normal, does anyone else feel like this?

Don’t want to be rude, but you don’t have kids yet, I probably felt the same, it’s different in reality

My DH has such a low attention span for days out that I much prefer doing stuff with the kids. He’s also not interested in travel anymore.He’d rather be home and look after the pets.
On the rare trips that we do just me and him it’s quite chilled and amiable but I certainly cram a lot less in than I would with my DD or DS.

Gets in a bad mood, starts shouting, is totally intolerant of the kids and they behave so much worse. When it's just me and them they behave so much better, have waiting staff commenting on how polite they are! Often if I am taking a video of eg a birthday present unwrap or setting off on holiday, it is completely spoiled by his grumpy voice in the background.

Yes this is how it was with my ex. My life became a lot less stressful after we split.

I'm not trying to get him labelled, having grown up with siblings and a nephew that all have asd & adhd diagnosed I'd love for him not to have it as I know its not easy getting through life with these conditions

I know many kids will love doing these things but again having grown up around people with and without these conditions you can tell the difference between kids just wanting to do something and other kids needing to do it to keep their routine and keep them calm, it can be very overwhelming for them and it's hard for them to move on if they can't do certain things

That’s so unfair

Just thinking that exact same thing. Makes such a difference not seeing his grumpy head bobbing along half a mile ahead of us.

I agree! It’s actually really sad and makes me feel pretty horrible. I wish it was fun going out as a family but when he’s there it’s tense and miserable. It feels like I’m constantly trying to juggle his emotions and make sure the kids don’t annoy him. I’m much more laid back and enjoy listening to the kids (teens) banter. They are funny. But he gets annoyed. And driving! Everyone on the road is just another excuse to get angry. I’m so over it.
I wish he was a dad that wants to be with his kids. But he’s not.

Crikey, so you had great days out before but now you don’t?

he doesn’t like going out with his DC?

I don’t know if I could cope with this. It’s like a rejection of the family. Does he do his share at home?
eg if you upped and left for a week would all be ok?
😢

For you maybe. Not for everyone

Yup, I think they just don’t actually like parenting. They might like the status of parenthood, but they don’t actually enjoy children.

I found this out to my shock after my ex told me sad stories about how much he’d always wanted kids and how keen he was to be an equal parent after maternity leave finished…. Just a fantasy on his part.

Thinking back though when we were kids out parents didn't do endless days out etc so the " parenting" was so pressured as SOME people make it now. it seems to cause stress.

And people like children at different stages. Give me teenagers every day over a toddler/ preschooler

Yes I love the girls' days, road trips or short breaks abroad. I didn't think there was anything weird about that?

Myself and DD have been heading off on adventures together since she was three, she's 8 now. I love it, she loves it and DH loves it!

We do lots together as a family too and they hate Daddy Days Out but they don't do overnights, nobody is really keen for that for whatever reason.

We didn’t do endless days out and my ex is just as disengaged from the kids as teens as he was when they were toddlers but thanks for leaping in to undermine me.

I love it! Always have. I was a single mum to my eldest 2 so did everything alone. Now I have twins with my fiancé, it kinda just feels like he’s in the way tbh! We do monthly dinner dates, which is just lunch at costa, but I look forward to it. We do libraries, soft play etc. I guess I’m just so used to doing it all alone I prefer when all my attention is on them and vice versa.

Where have I ulndermind you?

For me it depends
I enjoy time with hubby but worry about seizures, lights and headaches- do we have rescue meds, sun hat, sunglasses to reduce the glare. Is it too hot, too cold- will that affect him
However it is easier in lots of ways with DC as I don't have to worry, and therefore it's easier- and they are great company and can do stuff that dad cant

When I posted about my experience of a disengaged coparent on a thread about disengaged coparents and you suggested the problem is just too many days out or not loving a particular phase.

Maybe you do prefer teens to toddlers (same) but did you sulk, snap, wander off, clock watch and otherwise spoil days out when they were young?

I’m guessing not but this is what many mums on this thread are dealing with.

Never worth taking the husband ; loves to start arguments for the sake of it ! Daughter infinitely preferable .

I don’t think you’ll should stay with him
if he makes leisure time eorse

not just you many women find men not relaxed on days out either in a rush or have want to do the opposite of what you planned it’s normal I think .

Not really no.

I have a lot of people I love and care about, my daughter, my partner, my Mum, my brother, my nieces and nephews. I don't have a hierarchy of which one is more important, that way madness lies.

Yes, your children require more care when they're young. If the house was on fire and I could only make sure one was getting out, then until a few years ago, I'd have been making sure it was DD, because she was a child and likely to need the most help. But DD is 18 now, and DP is chronically ill, so I'm leaving DD to fend for herself, and making sure DP is out. Same goes for every other situation, it's a balance of needs, your children being your children don't automatically make them the most important in every situation.

Half the reason so many marriages fail is that the kids become the "most important" person, and the relationship between the parents suffers. Parents having a crap relationship or a divorce doesn't exactly help the kids either.

What happens when the kids have grown up and left home and it’s just you and him?

I can’t imagine being married to someone I didn’t actually like/want to be with. But it seems a lot of women are in this situation. Sad.

I prefer when we’re all together but I’d also maybe ask yourself what you will do when she leaves home and it’s the two of you alone. Perhaps he needs to be told so he can make more effort

I hear these arguments a lot when this topic comes up, and they make a lot of sense.

They just don’t change the fact that DD is the most important person to me. It’s just a fact. I’m not choosing it or actively ranking everyone in my life in the back of a notebook or anything, it’s just something I’ve known from the second she was born, I don’t know if it’s physical or instinctive or whatever, it just is and I can’t reason my way out of it.

Is she my favourite person to spend time with all the time? Not necessarily (though often yes). We have boundaries and child free time and make a point of making time for us as a couple, and for our own individual needs and friendships etc. I didn’t stop loving my husband or start loving him less - but im only one person’s mother and it’s just different.

Luckily, he feels the same about her. If I’d have thought he was someone who wouldn’t or couldn’t put our child first and accept the differences that would bring to our lives and relationships for the next however long then I’d not have been having children with him in the first place. I got lucky that he actually did want to be the dad he claimed he wanted to be, and puts that into practice every day - but many men can’t get past not being first in everything which is how you get so many women not enjoying days out with them and the kids.

FWIW I’ve seen plenty of wives put their husbands first in absolutely everything and their relationships still broke down. I see far fewer men putting their wives (or indeed children) first in all things.

Just because I put my daughter first doesn’t mean I put my husband last. I’m responsible for her health and happiness in a way I’m not for another adult. Maybe when DD is an adult the balance will shift again, though I can’t see it somehow.