Does anyone else prefer doing things just with their Dc?

[Whatwillbecomeofus]

As opposed to with your Dh/dp?

I always sort of look forward to us all being off and weekends and planning days out, but when it comes down to it, it’s quite rare that it goes as well as when it’s just me and Dd
Ive started to plan ‘Girls days’ as a reason for it to be just us. I feel lighter and happier
I’m guessing this isn’t normal, does anyone else feel like this?

It depends on what it is.

For really big days like theme parks it's nice to have DH there so we can split up if the DC want to go on different things, plus DH will go on rides that I won't! And occasionally vice versa. It's also great when we go swimming if one wants to go on a slide with me and the other doesn't, that sort of thing.

But in general I'm so used to taking them out by myself, and DH doesn't always "get" how we do things (like how far I let them walk ahead etc). He also either walks too fast or gets distracted reading signs, taking pictures and so on! There's a balance with that sort of thing when you go out with DC and he doesn't always get it right.

It's all easier now they're a bit older though, so I'm happy for him to come along, happy for him to stay home. Sometimes I prefer it without him because it saves money on a ticket!

There are certain things I’d absolutely rather do with just the DC, perhaps with DH staying for a token 20 mins before going off to do his own thing. Going to a wading pool or eatery play area… I’m quite happy to sit there and watch for ages while they play and sip a cold drink, it’s my happy place. He would get hot and bored fairly quickly. He might do it once a summer but not every weekend.

Something like a big day out at a theme park though, I’d much rather have both parents and experience it all together.

I think children amplify qualities in people. Some qualities that are amplified are great, some not so great. A lazy/ selfish/ untidy/ entitled partner is easier to let slide when it is 2 adults. When you add children into the mix it becomes very obvious that someone is not pulling their weight/ is selfish or entitled.

A lot of DP's can also get a bit childlike from time to time - expecting DW to pack bags/ coats/ food for the day out, wanting to be back at X to watch football/ rugby/ racing/ do X hobby. Whining/ moaning/ dragging their feet when doing chores like shopping. Encouraging the DCs into silly behaviour

I enjoy a bit of both. It's nice to have DH on days out and share the mental load of parenting. I do also enjoy just having a girly day with Dds. Especially eldest DD who is now old enough to enjoy coffee and cake/ cafe outings which DH doesn't enjoy as much. There is much less negotiation and whining from the DDs when it's just me as DH is a soft touch and they will nag and nag and whine for stuff.

I do like days out together but sometimes it is nice to do things with just DS

My partner doesn't have a lot of patience and DS4 can be a bit draining, us and school think he has adhd & asd so my son has certain things he likes to do such as read door numbers, jump over drain/manhole covers, walk on little walls and lots of other things but these things mean a small walk can take a long time and DP can get a bit frustrated

I can't relate to this. With DH, the load is shared. When the kids were younger we could divide and conquer if they were playing up etc.

I can see that if a dh/dp isn't pulling their weight etc how it would be easier to go without them though.

@Whatwillbecomeofus Yanbu. But things can change. Now when my ds are teens it's Nice to be all together so there is hope. Men are quite shit with small children.

My dds are 11 and 13 and I love days out when it's just us 3, we go to theme parks, shopping, lunch or to watch tribute bands etc

It's not that it's bad when dh is there but it's different.
Maybe selfishly I feel younger when it's just me and the kids, they're at the age where it's more like going out with my best friends and not being 'Mum'.

I know what you mean. I like both, but there are certain things that work better just me and DS because DH always gets bored or hungry and I find that annoying

DH doesn't really enjoy family days out or holidays particularly, and can sometimes ruin them, so over the years I learned it was easier not to involve him too much. Sometimes I feel sad about that because I know some men are great but hey ho.

I prefer it when we are all together. He will expect me to have the whole thing organised, though. That annoys me a bit. But we enjoy being a four on the whole.

I can’t relate to these posts. We have always prioritised our relationship, its strength is more important when children come along, not less.

Everything is better with him, because he’s my best friend and I enjoy him being there, he’s a genuinely good dad and he lightens the load.

The fact OP’s experience appears to be common in this thread doesn’t mean it’s healthy.

Why doesn’t he like them and what does he do to ruin them?

That’s great for you and your perfect set up…sadly many don’t have that, some empathy wouldn’t go amiss

I think he struggles with being out of his routine, and also he is better if he can just decide on the day if he fancies a holiday, which of course, you can't. He feels forced otherwise, which he hates. So then he will deliberately be late getting ready so that I get stressed that we're going to miss a flight or not get to a theatre on time or something, and then I have to pretend not to notice that he's 'baiting' me, because if I do say anything, that just makes it all worse.

So now, after a number of horrible episodes like this, it can be easier not to involve him!

It’s not about not being empathetic, sorry I didn’t mean to be so blunt in my post, more that I don’t think you or anyone else here should feel that it’s normal and thus accept it.

It was interesting as well seeing some posts talking about their children being more important now, and I think that can become a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy if a relationship isn’t being invested in. Put it on the back burner now, don’t expect a relationship to thrive and be enjoyable down the line (not saying that’s what you were doing op).

I agree. My husband is tetchy from the start. We get in the car and he moans about the children, the weather, the other drivers. The music choice. He irritable and unpleasant. Much prefer day with dc without him

I find 1:1 days out easier than family days, because each of my dc and dh seem to adopt triangulated positions, requiring me to adjudicate. There’s no bickering when I’m with any of one of them but it feels like I’m pulled every which way between them.

You don’t have kids so you haven’t got the experience of ‘the other side’

a lot of men are great when they have all your attention and care and go to shit when they have to share your love with your (joint) children. It’s incredibly common

Maybe this is another facet of having children older that needs to be explored 🤣 when men turn into grumpy old men when you’re still in the throes of child rearing…

I think this is true for most women I'd think. I absolutely love my husband to bits but my love for my DS is a whole other level. @Loulou4022 if you ever have children you'll understand what we mean 😊

You don’t need to patronise her with the “you don’t have kids” spiel, I feel like she does and we have 2 children together.

My child IS more important to me though…isn’t that the way it should be

Yes, also when kids come along so much can change, it highlights so many things

I don’t really get this need to make your love hierarchical. You’re a family unit, everyone has a role and is important, why would you ever need to verbalise that one person is more important to you than another? What is that achieving? It’s just all very juvenile.

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