Ex partner won't come to hospital for miscarriage

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I've recently found out that i'm pregnant and now, a couple of weeks on after finding out that I'm pregnant, it's been confirmed that I'm miscarrying. I'm booked in on Tuesday at the hospital for a procedure to remove everything.

I've been asked, if I can, to bring someone with me. The father, a man I was with for 9 years, is refusing to come. We basically had a massive argument, ended our relationship and the next day, he was on an online dating site. He met up with someone a couple of days later and I've found out that they've been sleeping together. It was at this point I found out I was pregnant and told him. He asked if I wanted to get back together and try again however I said no, so he has kept on seeing this woman. Now, a couple of weeks on, I went round to his to collect some belongings (he owns the house) and asked him if he could come with me to the hospital however he has said no, he's busy. I pressed him on why he couldn't come and he just kept saying he was busy. I (shouldn't have, I know), checked his phone. He's arranged to meet up with her that day. Choosing a shag from a woman he's been seeing a couple of weeks over supporting me, his ex partner who is carrying his baby.

I went balistic when I found out and he started shouting and bawling that I shouldn't have looked through his phone, that he wasn't the person that should be supporting me any more etc.

Am I really being unreasonable to expect him to come? I could bring a friend or family member but it's his baby. I don't know if I'm overreacting here as my mind is all over the place at the moment.

He's an ex for a reason, presumably. Sorry you are going through this but I would ask someone to come with you who is 100% on your side, like a friend or family member. Your ex doesn't sound like he'd be helpful even if he agreed to come.

It's tough, but he's not the person you need for this.

Sorry he’s shit, but you’re broken up, it’s unlikely he’ll suddenly step up after being shit.

He should want to support you but also he's probably not the best person to do so. Being a dick and all.

This is why he is an ex.

What do you want here? Him to blow off this woman because you had a tantrum and come with you to spend the day with a face like a smacked arse doing nothing to actually support you because he doesn't actually want to be there?

The person coming with you is there for you not the baby. He is no longer your partner. He does not want to support you. Pick someone who will be there for you.

This is not the person you need with you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but cut ties now and get support from people who actually care about you.

You want the support of the people you love you at a time like this, not an ex who left you and is seeing someone new. He might be the father of the baby - but ultimately it’s not about being there for the baby right now (for want of a better way to word it), the person who needs support here is you, you’re the person going through the awful experience, and somebody who has your back needs to be there for you.

Firstly I'm so sorry to hear of your miscarriage, it's a terrible thing to go through.

Honestly you can't force him so don't try, he's shown you how little he cares so I don't think he'd be of any support anyway.

Personally I had my sister or very close female friend with me at all of my miscarriages. I had my partner at one and the woman scanning me, when she saw I was crying, said "it's his baby too so make sure you look after him". I found women to be better advocates as well.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You need someone who can lovingly support you though the next days, weeks, months, not your ex.

I think you need someone to come with you, but someone supporting you. He isn’t that person. I have been in hospital for this procedure a couple of times and n both occasions I needed someone to drive me home, it was painful and I was dizzy due to the blood loss. Please make sure someone comes with you who cares about you. His attitude shows that you escaped a lifetime of rubbish with him.

He’s clearly a dickhead. Why do you want him there? Surely he’ll just make things worse. I do think that even though he’s a dickhead he is right that he shouldn’t be the person to support you through this.

I’d ask someone else or TBH go on my own.

He’s your EX. Go with someone who is in your life and loves and supports you. It’s not him you need any more.

I agree, why would you want him there? You want a family member or friend who will support you.

If he doesn't want to be there he wont be supportive while there. Take someone who will support you.
Gently he's right he isn't the one to support you anymore. He's your ex amd moved on.

I am very sorry you're going through this, but why and I repeat, why would you want him near to you at at such a vulnerable time, why?

Why do you want him there. He won’t be of any comfort or support. Can you ask a friend?

I'm sorry for your situation.
I've had surgery under GA after an incomplete miscarriage.
You need someone who will support and take care of you, not an ex partner who is already having sex with someone else

You are being unreasonable to want to spend a single second within 100km of him! Ever!

Sorry you’re going through this, but he was already an ex for a reason. He’d be a shit person and clearly no emotional support for you at all.

You broke up. You didn’t want to try again when you were pregnant.
At this point - it’s all too raw and dramatic for you both being rational and supportive friends.
It’s a medical procedure - and you can make it like some point to prove - but why?
This clearly was not a planned pregnancy, so why have someone there who cant relate to your emotions and be supportive?

I would find it more stressful having an ex there.

He’s unlikely to show emotion because he’s emotionally and physically detached from you and moved on. You need someone who isn’t going to piss you off and remind you of why you broke up and makes things harder.

As a man he can’t carry babies so it’s easy for him to be detached about a miscarriage. Even if he’d come, he would piss you off by not being or wanting to be there for you afterwards. You need someone who isn’t going to support you rather than someone who will clock watch and go to his date if things take longer than he fancies.

I guess we were together for 9 years, we've been through 2 miscarriages already which he was very supportive of and I didn't think this is who he was. I just can't believe this is the kind of man that he really is, on top of everything else I'm going through. It's a lot to wrap my head around in the space of a couple of weeks. Had the roles been reversed, I would have supported hin with the loss of our child, not be shagging someone else and putting that over my ex losing our baby.

He is your ex. It’s not his job to support you emotionally.

He supported you before because he was your boyfriend.

So, I totally understand why you’re upset. He’s supported you before, it’s safe and comforting for him to be there.

BUT-
I think it’s wiser that it isn’t him. It would blur the boundaries between you, it would be really easy to reignite a relationship, because of safety and familiarity.
It’s easy to say he’s a prick not to help, but he may be right not to. Things have changed, you don’t want him back. It’s safer not to blur the boundaries.

im sorry for what you are going through. 💐

Gently you’re being hugely unreasonable. The relationship is over. He is wirh someone else. It is no longer his role to support you in this, take a friend or family member,

and do not go through his phone, this is really unacceptable he is no longer your partner and is free to see who he wishes.

I all honesty, I don't know how he can be so detached after only a few weeks out of a 9 year relationship, let alone be so cold about the fact that I'm losing a baby that was ours. It just feels so cruel and it's making everything else so much harder.