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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partner won't come to hospital for miscarriage

119 replies

ThisIsMyUsername0 · Yesterday 13:17

I've recently found out that i'm pregnant and now, a couple of weeks on after finding out that I'm pregnant, it's been confirmed that I'm miscarrying. I'm booked in on Tuesday at the hospital for a procedure to remove everything.

I've been asked, if I can, to bring someone with me. The father, a man I was with for 9 years, is refusing to come. We basically had a massive argument, ended our relationship and the next day, he was on an online dating site. He met up with someone a couple of days later and I've found out that they've been sleeping together. It was at this point I found out I was pregnant and told him. He asked if I wanted to get back together and try again however I said no, so he has kept on seeing this woman. Now, a couple of weeks on, I went round to his to collect some belongings (he owns the house) and asked him if he could come with me to the hospital however he has said no, he's busy. I pressed him on why he couldn't come and he just kept saying he was busy. I (shouldn't have, I know), checked his phone. He's arranged to meet up with her that day. Choosing a shag from a woman he's been seeing a couple of weeks over supporting me, his ex partner who is carrying his baby.

I went balistic when I found out and he started shouting and bawling that I shouldn't have looked through his phone, that he wasn't the person that should be supporting me any more etc.

Am I really being unreasonable to expect him to come? I could bring a friend or family member but it's his baby. I don't know if I'm overreacting here as my mind is all over the place at the moment.

OP posts:
Firesidechatter · Yesterday 13:43

ThisIsMyUsername0 · Yesterday 13:41

I all honesty, I don't know how he can be so detached after only a few weeks out of a 9 year relationship, let alone be so cold about the fact that I'm losing a baby that was ours. It just feels so cruel and it's making everything else so much harder.

I’m sorry I know it’s hard, but he is not your partner, the fact the child was his does not change this. You’re better with someone else there. It can’t be him.

Blondeshavemorefun · Yesterday 13:44

Sorry for your loss tho he asked if wanted to get back together and you said no - so he’s moved on.

BoredZelda · Yesterday 13:44

Tableforjoan · Yesterday 13:39

He is your ex. It’s not his job to support you emotionally.

He supported you before because he was your boyfriend.

Agreed. This is not his job, regardless of him being the dad. He gave you the option of getting back together, you said no and he moved on. Sure it was quick but you both made your choice. You need support for you and that should be from someone who cares about you.

EmailsaysOOO · Yesterday 13:47

Some people have no heart. They have a cold hard stone in their chests. Hope you have a good friend who you can ask . Take care x

dudsville · Yesterday 13:48

In your shoes I wouldn't have asked him. I've seen that you've bolded for emphasis that it's his baby too, and of course, but the situation is muddied by asking him.

itsmeits · Yesterday 13:49

ThisIsMyUsername0 · Yesterday 13:41

I all honesty, I don't know how he can be so detached after only a few weeks out of a 9 year relationship, let alone be so cold about the fact that I'm losing a baby that was ours. It just feels so cruel and it's making everything else so much harder.

Because he is processing this differently to you!
He is installing boundaries that it is over and he doesn't think it is his place to support you now.
Yes that is hard. You need to Concentrate on you now.

FridayOnMyMind · Yesterday 13:50

I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriage, and hope you get the support you need.

You told your ex that you did not want him to be part of your life which is reason enough for him to want to detach completely.

johntorodesfatcheeks · Yesterday 13:51

He’d be the very last person I’d want there if I were you and I would not have asked him.
sorry you are going through this but I think you need someone with you who is actually a part of your life and future not your past.

whippersnapper55 · Yesterday 13:52

I'm so sorry OP. He's shown himself to be cruel and shallow and uncaring. You deserve better. Take someone else with you to support you. Cut contact with him and look after yourself 💐

BlueSlate · Yesterday 13:52

EmailsaysOOO · Yesterday 13:47

Some people have no heart. They have a cold hard stone in their chests. Hope you have a good friend who you can ask . Take care x

Don't be silly.

Other posters are right. He is not her person anymore. She might be hurting about the end of the relationship now on top of everything else but it doesn't make it apppropriate for him to accompany her and it certainly wasn't appropriate for her to look through his phone and berate him for moving on when he asked if she wanted to try again and she said no.

He was supportive to her when they were together but he has put a boundary in place now and it is appropriate for him to do that.

I can think of a few reasons why he wouldn't want to be there and being completely heartless would be only one of them.

C8H10N4O2 · Yesterday 13:53

You were not unreasonable to hope but probably unreasonable to expect him to attend considering the speed with which he moved onto another woman.

Put him behind you and focus on your existing friends and making new friends. That will serve you better long term.

WaltzingWaters · Yesterday 13:55

He should want to be there for you, after 9 years, even if you’re not together anymore. But the fact he doesn’t means that you have 100% made the right decision not to be together anymore, and you don’t have to EVER question that.
I hope you have someone who can go with you and actually be supportive.

EmailsaysOOO · Yesterday 13:56

@BlueSlate you are welcome to your view..That's fine..I'm also welcome to mine.

Notabarbie · Yesterday 13:57

I'm so deeply confused about why you'd want him to be there and why you're checking his phone.

rwalker · Yesterday 13:57

It’s hard but with recent events he the last person you need there or should of asked

going through ex phone was completely the wrong thing to do

oliviaAustin · Yesterday 13:58

Try to let him go OP. Your relationship is over. Maybe call a friend or family member to go with you.

It’s over… and he isn’t willing to be responsible for you even though it was his child. Try to come to terms with that. I’m so sorry.

Noshowlomo · Yesterday 13:59

I'm so sorry, it’s horrific, but he’s not the one to support you. He’s probably glad you are miscarrying as then he won’t have a tie to you, and he can carry on shagging women from online websites.
You need proper support, from those who LOVE you.

Firesidechatter · Yesterday 13:59

WaltzingWaters · Yesterday 13:55

He should want to be there for you, after 9 years, even if you’re not together anymore. But the fact he doesn’t means that you have 100% made the right decision not to be together anymore, and you don’t have to EVER question that.
I hope you have someone who can go with you and actually be supportive.

I think it blurs the lines hugely. He asked her to get back, she said no. I think it would be very inappropriate for him to be there at such a personal moment.

FridayOnMyMind · Yesterday 14:00

ThisIsMyUsername0 · Yesterday 13:41

I all honesty, I don't know how he can be so detached after only a few weeks out of a 9 year relationship, let alone be so cold about the fact that I'm losing a baby that was ours. It just feels so cruel and it's making everything else so much harder.

Were you asking him to get back together after the hospital, or to be there to offer you support and then just get dropped again?

If it’s the latter then you can presumably see why he would not want that.

DorisTheFinkasaurus · Yesterday 14:01

It's an awfully painful way to find out that ending the relationship is absolutely the right thing for you. I don't think he's setting boundaries. I think he's just unbothered and letting you know, in the most painful way, that your relationship is beyond over. That he's doing this to you at your lowest ebb tells you who he is and what he stands for. He is kicking you while your down and as horrible as that is, it's a reminder that he is not up to the job of being a supportive, compassionate friend in need (after 9 years, you would think he'd have a bit of compassion to at least send a text- the bare minimum).
This is what is making the miscarriage harder. You're losing your baby and you've lost your partner/baby's father. This is intensely painful. You're in a period of great loss and endings.
There will be a time- not now but one day- when you will look back at this sad period and recognise that it was also a portal to a new chapter, making room for new love and new possibilities to enter your life. You have to go through this to get to the other side, which will eventually show up. You will know happiness again.
I am so sorry that you're miscarrying. I am so sorry that you are learning, at the hardest time and in the hardest way, that the man with whom you spent 9 years really isn't a person of support anymore. You will move on and you will grow, but in the meantime, gather your loving army, doesn't matter if it's small. Surround yourself with those whose love and support is unwavering, solid, and steady. Your ex is not in that army.

Fidgety31 · Yesterday 14:02

Tbh he’s probably relieved that you’re miscarrying the baby because he won’t have to be tied to you in the future, like he would if you shared a child.

Let him go - he’s not worth your energy .

clickypen · Yesterday 14:03

ThisIsMyUsername0 · Yesterday 13:41

I all honesty, I don't know how he can be so detached after only a few weeks out of a 9 year relationship, let alone be so cold about the fact that I'm losing a baby that was ours. It just feels so cruel and it's making everything else so much harder.

He's entirely the wrong person to be there to support you through this.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but he has clearly chosen to move on so you need to find others to support you

Original poster
ThisIsMyUsername0 · Yesterday 14:07

DorisTheFinkasaurus · Yesterday 14:01

It's an awfully painful way to find out that ending the relationship is absolutely the right thing for you. I don't think he's setting boundaries. I think he's just unbothered and letting you know, in the most painful way, that your relationship is beyond over. That he's doing this to you at your lowest ebb tells you who he is and what he stands for. He is kicking you while your down and as horrible as that is, it's a reminder that he is not up to the job of being a supportive, compassionate friend in need (after 9 years, you would think he'd have a bit of compassion to at least send a text- the bare minimum).
This is what is making the miscarriage harder. You're losing your baby and you've lost your partner/baby's father. This is intensely painful. You're in a period of great loss and endings.
There will be a time- not now but one day- when you will look back at this sad period and recognise that it was also a portal to a new chapter, making room for new love and new possibilities to enter your life. You have to go through this to get to the other side, which will eventually show up. You will know happiness again.
I am so sorry that you're miscarrying. I am so sorry that you are learning, at the hardest time and in the hardest way, that the man with whom you spent 9 years really isn't a person of support anymore. You will move on and you will grow, but in the meantime, gather your loving army, doesn't matter if it's small. Surround yourself with those whose love and support is unwavering, solid, and steady. Your ex is not in that army.

Edited

Thank you. I think its this bit that hurts the most That he's doing this to you at your lowest ebb tells you who he is and what he stands for..

Despite us being over, I still wanted to think that he was a good man. I don't know why I did but I did. But now, I'm seeing him for exactly who he is and it feels like the past 9 years have been a sham, that I thought he was a decent man who would have more decency than this. And it hurts. On top of everything else.

OP posts:
Slightyamusedandsilly · Yesterday 14:09

He's a fucking arse. But although he's massively wrong, he's also not the person to be with you when you're in pain and sorrow. He clearly doesn't give a fuck about the loss of your child, so I'd either go it alone or take someone who can appreciate your loss and grief.

Lobelia123 · Yesterday 14:12

I say a harsh truth with kindness…. Let it go and let him go. You cannot change the fact that he doesn’t want to be with you. The truth is he’s already moved on and his priority is his thrilling new shag, not you or the miscarriage. It’s evident he wants nothing to do with you, so don’t use this as a lever to try to hang on to him or try to somehow bring him to some kind of epiphany. This is painful in the moment, but it’s over. Don’t degrade yourself by trying to hang on and somehow change the ending and transform him into a kind, empathetic person who cares. Accept reality. Cry and rage, and then move on.