Ex partner won't come to hospital for miscarriage

[ThisIsMyUsername0]

I've recently found out that i'm pregnant and now, a couple of weeks on after finding out that I'm pregnant, it's been confirmed that I'm miscarrying. I'm booked in on Tuesday at the hospital for a procedure to remove everything.

I've been asked, if I can, to bring someone with me. The father, a man I was with for 9 years, is refusing to come. We basically had a massive argument, ended our relationship and the next day, he was on an online dating site. He met up with someone a couple of days later and I've found out that they've been sleeping together. It was at this point I found out I was pregnant and told him. He asked if I wanted to get back together and try again however I said no, so he has kept on seeing this woman. Now, a couple of weeks on, I went round to his to collect some belongings (he owns the house) and asked him if he could come with me to the hospital however he has said no, he's busy. I pressed him on why he couldn't come and he just kept saying he was busy. I (shouldn't have, I know), checked his phone. He's arranged to meet up with her that day. Choosing a shag from a woman he's been seeing a couple of weeks over supporting me, his ex partner who is carrying his baby.

I went balistic when I found out and he started shouting and bawling that I shouldn't have looked through his phone, that he wasn't the person that should be supporting me any more etc.

Am I really being unreasonable to expect him to come? I could bring a friend or family member but it's his baby. I don't know if I'm overreacting here as my mind is all over the place at the moment.

You're right op. That's a disgraceful comment. I'm sorry you had to read it. I've reported.

I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you can find the support you need. I understand why you wanted your ex to support you but it’s probably better for you both now that you draw upon other support - especially the women who care about you. Wishing you well for your recovery.

You’ve split up. Why would he now be there?

The two of you have broken up, he’s caused you a lot of upset both from the breakup and moving on so quickly why on earth would you want him supporting you through this unless you want to try and get back together with him?

I misinterpreted nothing. You don't like that you've been called out on what you said. What a hateful person you must be to have come out with such a wicked comment.

Please remove yourself from my post.

He isn’t the person you need anymore or should want there. It’s sad but so true whether it’s his baby or not he won’t be much support so I’d go with the family or friend and forget him.

Absolutely disgusting comment. Really shameful but I doubt you’ll even take a moment to reflect on why it is such a vile thing to say.

I'm sorry but you aren't carrying his baby. And its completely unreasonable to look on his phone.

I don’t think that that’s fair. He asked if they could get back together but she said he was out of her life.

She seems to want to have his support and then just tell him to piss off again. She can’t treat someone like this and then be upset when he chooses not to be a part of it.

Yep. He asked if she wanted to get back together. She turned him down. Buy now expects the perks of a relationship and to call the shots on who he sees and when.

Oh blimey. What a stupidly cruel thing to write. Exhaustemonte must have serious problems to go around being that unkind to a stranger on the internet.

I'm very sorry to hear about you miscarriage(s) ❤️‍🩹

I totally understand how you feel about your Ex not being the man you thought he was & how sad/disappointed/hurt that makes you feel. I've been there (but it wasn't a miscarriage).

I'm glad you have someone going with you. ❤️

one bit of (unasked for!) advice (fwiw. I probably wouldn't have listened to anyone, but just on the off chance you do...

After Tuesday, put him behind you. As quickly as you can, get YOUR life back on track. Do things, spend time on things that make you happy. See friends, meet new people.. plan a new future! Don't waste your life mourning the loss of the relationship or being sad/disappointed he's not who you thought he was.

Ill be thinking of you on Tuesday.

I’m really sorry this has happened to you but honestly, an arsehole ex is the last person you want to be in the company of at a time when you are at your most vulnerable. I hope you can find someone else to go with you. Sorry for your loss.

Im sorry for your miscarriages.

I don’t think you should have expected him to come e with you though. Sorry again.

He’s a dick
you don’t need him there
or in your life

I had this procedure and I just needed someone to collect me. Not someone with me.

Im sorry for your loss. Im glad to see your friend is coming with you, you need someone to provide you with support and care and he's not the person to give you that, I think given the situation he'd just add to the stress of it. I'm sure your friend will be a much better support for you. 💐

Just draw a line under the relationship and have a family member or a friend go with you to the hospital. When you find yourself begging a man to accompany you to hospital for a D&C you need to realise he isn't worth your time or energy.

Sorry you're going through all of this x

Agree you will only need someone to pick you up, not hold your hand during the procedure. They should knock you out, and you'll be in a sterile theatre.

I think this sums up what I think. I’m sorry you are going through a miscarriage, but I think overall you are being unreasonable.

You broke up, for whatever reason, and on finding out you were pregnant you did not want to give the relationship another try. I assume you had good reasons for both of those decisions, so best not to blur the lines IMHO.

You need someone who is there for you. He is not able to do that and/or does not want to- it actually doesn’t make him a bad person if he does not want to be there to support you, given your relationship ended. I also think the way you have both acted after the end of your relationship (him jumping into seeing someone else, you overstepping boundaries by some margin by going through his phone), suggests to me you wound be better off with someone else there to support you. I think you are highly likely to be antagonistic towards each other and that is not what you need right now.

This is different from your previous miscarriages- when he was your partner, of course he was there for you. Now you are not his partner, I don’t think he has an obligation to attend medical appointments with you. I can see why he might not want to be, given what has happened between you recently and if he is now with someone else, maybe he does not feel it’s appropriate any more?

Once someone is single, they are entitled to move on- whether that is a causal sexual relationship, a rebound or jumping into another committed relationship. I agree he moved on quickly and I can understand why that would hurt after you have been together for such a long time. However, you don’t have a veto on his next relationship- whether that is when/how or with whom that is. At the point your relationship ended, it is none of your business really (you can feel how you like, but again it does not make him “a shit’ to move on quickly).

As for going through his phone, I do think that was inappropriate. It is an invasion of privacy- you are no longer even in a relationship with this man- I’m not surprised he was furious. I would be incandescent if an ex-partner went through my phone. Even more so had they then used what they found to berate me and call me names because they didn’t like what they found. You had no right, and given this I think it is best you both maintain firm boundaries.

An ex is just that you don't own them anymore

I can’t imagine much of the last 9 years have been particularly happy or healthy either @ThisIsMyUsername0 . See this as the start of a new chapter for you both.

He’s now your ex. I assume had you said yes when finding out you were pregnant to him offering to give it another go, he would have ended this current relationship and worked at it with you to raise your child. As you said no he continued to look to his future with this new relationship rather than the past with you. Which isn’t unreasonable. He’s don’t think he has done anything wrong. I’m sorry if that seems callous. You checked his phone which isn’t any of your business anymore and you don’t get to pick and choose what bits of him and his time you do want and what you don’t want anymore.