Ex partner won't come to hospital for miscarriage

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I've recently found out that i'm pregnant and now, a couple of weeks on after finding out that I'm pregnant, it's been confirmed that I'm miscarrying. I'm booked in on Tuesday at the hospital for a procedure to remove everything.

I've been asked, if I can, to bring someone with me. The father, a man I was with for 9 years, is refusing to come. We basically had a massive argument, ended our relationship and the next day, he was on an online dating site. He met up with someone a couple of days later and I've found out that they've been sleeping together. It was at this point I found out I was pregnant and told him. He asked if I wanted to get back together and try again however I said no, so he has kept on seeing this woman. Now, a couple of weeks on, I went round to his to collect some belongings (he owns the house) and asked him if he could come with me to the hospital however he has said no, he's busy. I pressed him on why he couldn't come and he just kept saying he was busy. I (shouldn't have, I know), checked his phone. He's arranged to meet up with her that day. Choosing a shag from a woman he's been seeing a couple of weeks over supporting me, his ex partner who is carrying his baby.

I went balistic when I found out and he started shouting and bawling that I shouldn't have looked through his phone, that he wasn't the person that should be supporting me any more etc.

Am I really being unreasonable to expect him to come? I could bring a friend or family member but it's his baby. I don't know if I'm overreacting here as my mind is all over the place at the moment.

Sorry you are going through this OP. You've recently split up, he's moved on and no longer wants to be in your life. You need someone with you who cares and will continue to care as you start to recover. He's not the right person.

Yes he's a complete dick but why would you want him at the hospital over your mum or best friend.
Wishing you well for Tuesday.

I voted Yabu as why would you want your ex there for support rather than someone like a close friend/mum/sister?

Sorry to hear of the miscarriage.

He really isn’t who you should be calling on for support, he seems completely checked out now. I’m not sure he’s being U though as you specifically said you could bring a friend or family member, so you won’t be going alone.

I don’t think this is the right person to have with you, you will need support and some to put your needs first.
Forget him and ask your mum/sister/friend instead

I had a surgical management of a miscarriage and while Dh was there for some of it (not all because we had an older child who needed to be taken to and collected from school), there is no way I’d want an ex who is acting like a twat there. It really is completely manageable on your own, though ideally you should have someone home with you the first 24 hours or so. But definitely would not have wanted an ex there at the hospital or at home in these circumstances. A friend or family member is who you need.

I spoke to my mum and my best friend about it all yesterday. My best friend is now coming but I initially told him I would have to go on my own then as I thought that would be the case. We moved for my work around 6 months ago from Aberdeen down to London and I didn't think anyone would be able to come down at such short notice.

I don't know why you think he's the man to support you through this or why you'd want him to.

I don't think he's at all unreasonable to prioritise his current relationship, especially when he offered to be there for you and you said no.

I am sorry for your pain. It’s really upsetting going through a miscarriage especially alone. When the relationship is over, the love and support disappears too. Never give him the time of day again.

I’m sorry you’re going through a miscarriage. I can imagine it’s an incredibly difficult thing to go through. However having someone with you may be for practicalities or for emotional support. As an ex, this doesn’t fall to him and you need to call on family or friends as you have now done.

There’s a reason he’s an ex.

You clearly want more from this and are hoping he’ll come back. It's not going to happen.

He showed you what he’s like when he started OLD immediately. He’s over it.

Take your friend/mum instead. I hope Tuesday goes as well as it can.

For a lot of men it’s not a baby till it’s born really the feelings don’t come as fast and strong.

Also you’d just split up when you announced you were pregnant he offered to try the relationship again if you want. You said no. Then you miscarried.

To him like a pp said it’s likely a relief that he won’t be stuck co parenting and since the baby wasn’t real yet for him there was no emotional attachment for him.

I don't want him back, he asked to get back a couple of weeks ago and I thought about it and decided I didn't want that. Things hadn't been going great for a while. What I did want was a bit of support from the man who I spent 9 years of my life with and who helped create this baby.

I'm so sorry about the miscarriage.

Why on earth would you want the man who treated you like that to be there and what makes you think he's capable of giving that support?

Are you sure you're not hoping this will somehow bring him back?

Theoretically, it's not unreasonable expect the father of the child to support the mother when she's losing the baby. That's what any halfway decent human being would do.

But practically speaking, it's unreasonable to expect this particular man to do it because he's clearly a knob of the first water.

That support was conditional.

You’re now just an ex someone who he never has to see or speak to again.
9 years or 9 weeks that’s it an ex.

Im sorry you're going through this. I personally wouldn't want him there. Take someone who actually cares about you.

Like the other pp, I can understand your hurt and disappointment over this. On top of suffering the loss of your child, you're being confronted with the fact that your ex has moved on very quickly from your relationship, which probably indicates that he'd already checked out of it before it officially ended. That's difficult to accept for sure. If you want to move on from him yourself, I think you are doing the right thing in having someone else with you at the hospital. Also have a think about whether, had the pregnancy been viable, you would have wanted your ex to be present at the birth of what would have been your and his child? Probably you'd give an emphatic no to that scenario. So too should he not be present with you now, as he not only wouldn't be the support you need, he would remind you of the bastard he is. Take care of yourself.

He’s not your partner now. At this point, it’s your medical procedure, not his. Take someone you’re close to and will provide love and support you 💐

Those 9 years aren't a sham at all, OP. And that's why it hurts. Because you remember the love and the good parts that aren't showing up now at your hour of need. Some people really do have enough compassion to still show up. You've not been broken up for long. This is his baby too. You are miscarrying. Honestly, if he were my son, I'd be ashamed of him. I'd be having strong words, to say the least. Where's your heart? This would be my first question.
OP, have you ever watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? There's a part where he says, "At least come back and make up a goodbye. Pretend we had one."
I think, in a way, the miscarriage could have been that. At least he could have seen you through this ending of all that was you and him. I am a big believer, in this age of ghosting, in showing up for all endings. Even if it's a card or a text... something to say, "I am here for you and for our ending." It doesn't have to be grand. It just has to be a goodbye of a sort. Close the circle. We heal better when we do this. And as painful as this is, you will find an alternative way of closing this circle and healing.
Pour your love into your angel to whom you are saying goodbye. Give your angel your love, your tears, your goodbyes. And let those who really know how to hold you and love you do their job. And just allow yourself to fall apart for a while and feel this, live through it, and come out the other side. You will recover. And you will be happy. Your heart will know joy again.

I agree
I absolutely wouldn’t want him anywhere near me and this is a prime example of why.
you’ve had a very lucky escape from this awful man and you won’t want to think of this now, but in time you’ll meet someone lovely and have a baby with them.
find a good friend to go with you - someone who has your back and will be a support ❤️

I’ve had that procedure. You want a supportive person there, a friend/family member. Someone who will look after you. As an aside, go for a general anaesthetic if you can.

You’d decided before this that you didn’t want him. He’s moved on. You can’t pick and chose and it’s unreasonable to do so

Going through his phone is disgraceful - who do you think you are?

Kindly you need to remember this is also about him. His relationship has also ended-evenif he has ran head first into a new one! You need to accept you can't expect anything from him now. As hard a fact as it is.
I am glad your friend is able to support you, and I firmly believe in this situation will be more of a conform for you, then your Ex.
You are grieving OP, the loss of your home, relationship, and now for a miscarriage. You really need to concentrate on you and your future 💐

I'm sorry to hear this OP - your emotions and hormones must be all over the place

You said that you have had two previous miscarriages and that your (now ex) partner was supportive at the time. Were they planned pregnancies?

What was the argument about? The timeline isn't clear tbh (or I am misunderstanding - entirely possible)