Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex partner won't come to hospital for miscarriage

142 replies

ThisIsMyUsername0 · 06/06/2026 13:17

I've recently found out that i'm pregnant and now, a couple of weeks on after finding out that I'm pregnant, it's been confirmed that I'm miscarrying. I'm booked in on Tuesday at the hospital for a procedure to remove everything.

I've been asked, if I can, to bring someone with me. The father, a man I was with for 9 years, is refusing to come. We basically had a massive argument, ended our relationship and the next day, he was on an online dating site. He met up with someone a couple of days later and I've found out that they've been sleeping together. It was at this point I found out I was pregnant and told him. He asked if I wanted to get back together and try again however I said no, so he has kept on seeing this woman. Now, a couple of weeks on, I went round to his to collect some belongings (he owns the house) and asked him if he could come with me to the hospital however he has said no, he's busy. I pressed him on why he couldn't come and he just kept saying he was busy. I (shouldn't have, I know), checked his phone. He's arranged to meet up with her that day. Choosing a shag from a woman he's been seeing a couple of weeks over supporting me, his ex partner who is carrying his baby.

I went balistic when I found out and he started shouting and bawling that I shouldn't have looked through his phone, that he wasn't the person that should be supporting me any more etc.

Am I really being unreasonable to expect him to come? I could bring a friend or family member but it's his baby. I don't know if I'm overreacting here as my mind is all over the place at the moment.

OP posts:
5thchildso · 07/06/2026 13:19

I'm amazed at how happy posters are with someone leaving a 9 year relationship, and trying to date again the next day and meeting someone new in the same week.
It doesn't sound like someone who was faithful during the relationship tbh!

Floppyearedlab · 07/06/2026 13:24

OP you need someone there with you who loves and cares about you and can support you. He is a twat.

Tabarnak · 07/06/2026 13:30

What a very upsetting situation, OP, I am sorry you are going through this.

I can see that in your anger at him you would feel that he has a moral duty to come with you, and he is shirking that duty in favour of a shag when you are going through what you are going through. And you might think that he would express some solidarity in sadness for the loss of his baby. I would be disgusted and furious with him. Whether that is rational or not.

But in reality, as everyone is saying, you need someone genuinely supportive, on your side, a person you can trust and be vulnerable with.

And he is the last person to fulfil that function.

Tinglylips · 07/06/2026 14:20

KiwiFall · 07/06/2026 11:23

He’s now your ex. I assume had you said yes when finding out you were pregnant to him offering to give it another go, he would have ended this current relationship and worked at it with you to raise your child. As you said no he continued to look to his future with this new relationship rather than the past with you. Which isn’t unreasonable. He’s don’t think he has done anything wrong. I’m sorry if that seems callous. You checked his phone which isn’t any of your business anymore and you don’t get to pick and choose what bits of him and his time you do want and what you don’t want anymore.

This is spot on

Winkblingwink · 07/06/2026 18:50

5thchildso · 07/06/2026 13:19

I'm amazed at how happy posters are with someone leaving a 9 year relationship, and trying to date again the next day and meeting someone new in the same week.
It doesn't sound like someone who was faithful during the relationship tbh!

Nor does it sound like someone id want by my side in a distressing medical procedure. I think that is what most are flummoxed by

ThisIsMyUsername0 · 07/06/2026 19:09

5thchildso · 07/06/2026 13:19

I'm amazed at how happy posters are with someone leaving a 9 year relationship, and trying to date again the next day and meeting someone new in the same week.
It doesn't sound like someone who was faithful during the relationship tbh!

Yeah he wasn't the most faithful, I found that out at the end. I found his profile on a dating site around 1 year into our relationship, I stupidly believed the absolute nonsense excuse he gave me. But looking back, I can see the red flags.

OP posts:
ThisIsMyUsername0 · 07/06/2026 19:12

Winkblingwink · 07/06/2026 18:50

Nor does it sound like someone id want by my side in a distressing medical procedure. I think that is what most are flummoxed by

The reason I wanted him by my side was because initially, I didn't think anyone else could come with me. My friends and family are back in my hometown in Scotland, we live down south for my work, but have only lived here for a few months, so I don't know anyone here well enough yet to have asked them. He and I did both think i'd be going alone if he didn't come, yet he still refused. Luckily my best friend is able to come down.

OP posts:
ThisIsMyUsername0 · 07/06/2026 19:13

Sorry for any supportive comments I've not replied to, I've got so much on my plate at the moment. But the supportive comments do mean a lot, thank you.

OP posts:
Winkblingwink · 07/06/2026 19:20

ThisIsMyUsername0 · 07/06/2026 19:12

The reason I wanted him by my side was because initially, I didn't think anyone else could come with me. My friends and family are back in my hometown in Scotland, we live down south for my work, but have only lived here for a few months, so I don't know anyone here well enough yet to have asked them. He and I did both think i'd be going alone if he didn't come, yet he still refused. Luckily my best friend is able to come down.

I think better alone than with someone you despise. Thank goodness your bf can come

Stressmummy12 · 07/06/2026 19:21

5thchildso · 07/06/2026 13:19

I'm amazed at how happy posters are with someone leaving a 9 year relationship, and trying to date again the next day and meeting someone new in the same week.
It doesn't sound like someone who was faithful during the relationship tbh!

For me it’s not about that it’s about accepting that this man is a total waste of space and not somebody I’d want supporting me regardless of the 9 year relationship and the fact it’s his baby. I’d want to do it without him to protect myself. It’s not about being okay with anything he is doing it’s about accepting the situation for what it is and people who they are and doing what we can in that

Gowlett · 07/06/2026 19:28

What good would it be having him there?

It would be great if he was supporting you.

But just let the doctors take care of you.

Sorry for what has happened, it’s so hard.

Moveoverdarlin · 07/06/2026 19:46

ThisIsMyUsername0 · 07/06/2026 19:09

Yeah he wasn't the most faithful, I found that out at the end. I found his profile on a dating site around 1 year into our relationship, I stupidly believed the absolute nonsense excuse he gave me. But looking back, I can see the red flags.

Discovering a boyfriend of one year on a dating site is not a red flag. It’s a flag that has ‘I am an asshole that cheats on you’ emblazoned across it.

WeatherOrNothing · 07/06/2026 19:53

I’m so sorry op. What a scumbag! Well this has truly shown you what a horrible person he is. I don’t think Yabu in wanting him there as this is such a personal thing between both of you BUT he is only going to cause you much more pain.
Disgusting to treat you like this after 9 years.

ThisIsMyUsername0 · 07/06/2026 19:53

Moveoverdarlin · 07/06/2026 19:46

Discovering a boyfriend of one year on a dating site is not a red flag. It’s a flag that has ‘I am an asshole that cheats on you’ emblazoned across it.

I see him for who he really is a lot more clearly now

OP posts:
Winkblingwink · 07/06/2026 20:05

the relationship broke down
He immediately hooks up with someone else
you find out pregnant, he offers to give it another go, you say “no” so he cracks on with his new girlfriend
you go around to his phone, sneakily check his phone
then a screaming row kicked off between
the pair of you

firstly - thank goodness it’s over. Clearly neither of you were right for one
another. Secondly, it truly is baffling that your want him there.

anyway just focus now on getting the procedure done and moving on.

no more going around to his house, checking his phone or indeed any communication

FridayOnMyMind · 07/06/2026 22:27

WeatherOrNothing · 07/06/2026 19:53

I’m so sorry op. What a scumbag! Well this has truly shown you what a horrible person he is. I don’t think Yabu in wanting him there as this is such a personal thing between both of you BUT he is only going to cause you much more pain.
Disgusting to treat you like this after 9 years.

She let him go. She’s not asking him back, she wants his support for a day then will dump him again.

Raspyhen · 08/06/2026 18:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread