Ex partner won't come to hospital for miscarriage

[ThisIsMyUsername0]

I've recently found out that i'm pregnant and now, a couple of weeks on after finding out that I'm pregnant, it's been confirmed that I'm miscarrying. I'm booked in on Tuesday at the hospital for a procedure to remove everything.

I've been asked, if I can, to bring someone with me. The father, a man I was with for 9 years, is refusing to come. We basically had a massive argument, ended our relationship and the next day, he was on an online dating site. He met up with someone a couple of days later and I've found out that they've been sleeping together. It was at this point I found out I was pregnant and told him. He asked if I wanted to get back together and try again however I said no, so he has kept on seeing this woman. Now, a couple of weeks on, I went round to his to collect some belongings (he owns the house) and asked him if he could come with me to the hospital however he has said no, he's busy. I pressed him on why he couldn't come and he just kept saying he was busy. I (shouldn't have, I know), checked his phone. He's arranged to meet up with her that day. Choosing a shag from a woman he's been seeing a couple of weeks over supporting me, his ex partner who is carrying his baby.

I went balistic when I found out and he started shouting and bawling that I shouldn't have looked through his phone, that he wasn't the person that should be supporting me any more etc.

Am I really being unreasonable to expect him to come? I could bring a friend or family member but it's his baby. I don't know if I'm overreacting here as my mind is all over the place at the moment.

Quite honestly I don't understand why you would want him to come. An ex I had recently had an acrimonious split with would the very last person I would want with me at such an appointment.

If I'd just split up with someone and their parent died, I'd be there at the funeral to support them. You'd be a right arse to turn off your compassion like that

As sad as the situation is, this man has shown you exactly who he is. He's not interested in supporting you, regardless of the fact you are miscarrying his baby. Yes, it's heartless and a shitty thing to do, but as he's busy meeting up with and shagging other women, days after your split, his behaviour now shouldn't be that much of a surprise.

He's now your ex, and as hurt as you may be, you can't force him to support you. What he's doing and who with, is no longer your business. Looking at his phone, hasn't helped you emotionally at all, it's made you feel even worse, because you have confirmation that he's not interested in you.

Ask a friend of family member to attend your hospital appointment with you. Unless you have financial or property ties to your ex, then you can block and never see/speak to him again.

Sending a hug ❤️

@ThisIsMyUsername0 It was at this point I found out I was pregnant and told him. He asked if I wanted to get back together and try again however I said no, so he has kept on seeing this woman.

You've made a decision that you don't want a relationship with him. This is the correct decision, but then you shouldn't have an ex-partner in your life.

You really want this man there? Yes, it's his baby, but it sounds like he has no interest. The most charitable interpretation I can make is that he's grieving in a very strange way/feels overwhelmed.
Did the hospital definitely say someone could be there, because they completely refused to allow women to have anyone with them with me? It wasn't that long ago either. I know things could have changed, but I would feel terrible if I didn't say to check, because I wouldn't want you blindsided on the day-and mine was an NHS hospital not that long ago.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, but if you are allowed someone, please pick someone who WANTS to support you.

He asked you if you wanted support...
He asked if I wanted to get back together and try again however I said no,

He played fair with you.

You made your choice so just live with it.
Pick someone else.

He’s not your partner any more so it’s not his job to support you through a medical procedure. If you had parted on good terms and he wanted to be there that would be different but YABU to expect him to attend if he doesn’t want to. The normal thing would be for friends and/or family to support you, not your ex.

After the support at the hospital how did you see him featuring in your life?

Some men are only caring and compassionate towards the people in their inner circle, and it can be absolutely brutal to find yourself on the outside. It’s not even uncommon for their own dc to fall outside that protective circle when they are no longer in love with their mother

I don’t think the last 9 years were a sham - what you had was real, because you were on the inside, but it’s over now. His psychology is different to yours, and judging him against your own standards will lead you to conclusions that are unnecessarily painful. Your circle of compassion isn’t as small or as contained. If you were to treat someone like he is treating you, there would have to be much more hate in your heart. You probably couldn’t.

Right now you need to protect yourself and surround yourself with compassionate people who care for you. It’s an absolutely brutal experience on every level

Well, I guess you know what kind of person he really is now OP. You're not unreasonable to think that he SHOULD be prepared to come with you, but honestly, do you really want him there? I bloody wouldn't. He's a pathetic, selfish excuse of a human being, but please take a friend instead

You’ve split up and he’s with someone else now. Whilst you might think he’s moved on a bit too quickly, he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. It’s inappropriate for him to be there.

Is that who you would really want with you when you are having an intimate procedure? An ex who is now with someone else? It sounds to me like you’re trying to hang on to something that has ended.

I am really sorry you are having to go through this , but being truthful here , I did vote yabu and was ( a bit ) relieved to see I'm not the only one who has because as I type 91% agree with me .

You are going through an incredibly stressful time but further down the line I think you will see it was the correct thing to do by him saying no to going .

He's not your person any longer and I get that you could argue that he is the father but many men don't get that a women has feelings for the baby from day 1 of finding out about it but for men it can take much longer .

Take someone along who cares for you and can emotionally support you .
Take care .

I’m sorry for your loss (both the miscarriage and the relationship). However, it is unfair of you to expect your ex to be your support in hospital for this - it isn’t about the baby, it’s about and the support you will need. An ex just isn’t in a position to give you that support, and it will blur the lines.

Checking his phone wouldn’t have been ok if you were in a relationship, I cannot believe you thought you had the right to go through his phone because you didn’t like the answer he gave you when you asked him to go with you. It sounds like he was trying not to hurt you by not telling you where he was going to be - you digging and finding out he’s going to be spending time with the new woman is why you feel hurt now.

I am glad your friend is able to go with you. You need to put your ex in the past now.

That isn't really comparable. I have had two miscarriages before you say anything.

Her friend may not be in the actual room while the procedure takes place, but surely there's no rule against being accompanied to the clinic/hospital and home again afterwards? I guess you hadn't thought of that 🤔

I'm sorry about your miscarriage OP.

I hate to say it but is there a chance he has snuck abortion pills into your drink. You say you went round to collect your stuff. Did he make you a cup of tea or coffee?

You're glad that my baby has died because I have broken up with my long term partner? What a wicked, wicked thing to say. I am more than capable of bringing up a child myself; I have a high paying, professional job to allow me to support any child and plenty of family support if I moved back to my home town.

This is one of the worst comments I have ever read on mumsnet and I'm not saying that because it's directed towards me.

Shameful.

I don't think that that's something he's done, I have had a couple of miscarriages at the same number of weeks that I'm at now, I think it's something to do with my ability to carry. However i'm never surprised when I hear what some men are capable of, so I don't blame you for thinking this.

I’m sorry for your loss OP and I know this is awful to think but one day you’ll be grateful. The alternative was being stuck with him forever. He’s a selfish piece of shit.