To think there is no genuine reason a 40-year-old man would be interested in a 22-year-old?

[Frequency]

DD is online dating again and is messaging with a 40-year-old man. She is utterly convinced that he is interested in her as a person and that he is a genuine man. They like the same music, attend the same concerts, play the same games, and follow the same anime series.

I believe there are only 2 reasons a man this age would be interested in a 22-year-old.

1. He wants the kudos of bedding a woman in their 20s.

2. There is something wrong with him, and women his own age are too old and wise to tolerate his bullshit, so he needs to target women too young to know better.

For context, I am 44, and the idea of dating one of DD's mates is horrifying. I like them well enough. I'll happily sit and have a drink with them or a night out with them, but some of the things they say and do are childish and irritating, and I'd sooner gouge out my eyeballs with a rusty spork than be in a committed relationship with one of them.

According to DD, he works full-time and owns his own home, so he is not a basement-dwelling incel.

He wants to take her out for dinner on Monday. She's told him she's on her period, and he says that's fine, they're only going for dinner, and he doesn't want sex with her on their first date. He wants to get to know her. I don't believe him, but it's convinced DD even more that he is genuine.

As a mother I wouldn't like my DD dating a 40 year old man. But at 22 your DD is an adult so it really is her business only who she is sleeping with.

However, telling him she's on her period before she's even met him is completely inappropriate and there's no need to disclose such information. Your DD needs to learn to stop over sharing every aspect of her life, which unfortunately seems to be the trend nowadays.

It’s sexual attraction. Nature dictates that a younger female will be able to get pregnant and bear children more easily than someone older. It may be subconscious, but men are naturally more attracted to younger women. They are biologically driven to reproduce.

She must be ok with the age if she'd set her range to include 40 year olds on the apps.

Is he actually 40? A lot of men lie to avoid getting cut off.

She is convinced he wants more and is a decent bloke, and seems to be considering the idea of dating him rather than just shagging him once or twice a week. I'd be less worried about the latter, despite not liking it.

Rereading your latest update @Frequency , it seems you're more concerned about why an unknown 40 year old would want a relationship with your 22 year old daughter, than your 22 year old arranging to have sex with an unknown 40 year old man.

I can't help but feel you're focusing on the wrong thing here...

If people those ages meet in a real-life, non-romantic way and a mutual attraction develops, I think it’s possible in a minority of cases that they can both develop genuine, deep feelings about each other. If a 40-year-old is contacting a 22-year-old on a dating site, though, my guess is that it’s largely about sex.

I agree and I’m 33. I teach 18-22 year olds primarily and they are just not attractive to me, they are still basically children in my eyes. I do have a colleague who is in a LTR with a former student so he met her at 18/19 but didn’t start dating till she’d finished her PhD at 25. Some older colleagues who remember still don’t like him as a result.

I do think it’s weird. One of my former school friends is married and has children with a man she met at 19 when he was 56.

People in their twenties can be at completely different stages of life and maturity. One can be a NEET in their childhood bedroom and one can be a married parent of three children.

I finished (US) law school when I was 25 and got married a few weeks after turning 26, so I definitely wasn’t a child at 25.

She sounds very immature. Very weird to tell a man she’s never met that she’s on her period. You’re right to be concerned. But play your cards right. Don’t drive her into his arms. Difficult one.

Boris Johnson and Carrie have a 23 year age gap and they are doing ok.but I wouldnt like it either, I dated a man for 3 years in my 20s who was 16 years older, it didnt work out in the end. My friend also married a man who was 20 years older. In both cases it was the women that walked away leaving the poor old sods crying into their whiskey. As really its more likely your daughter will leave him high and dry to persue younger men once she gets bored, than the other way around.

Well, there's having concerns about your dd dating a creep twice her age then there's 'Like I said, as her mum, I don't like this; I'd rather she remained a virgin until her wedding day' which I'm sure is tongue in cheek but a bit weird nonetheless.

Sadly, you'll just have to smile and nod and hope your dd sees sense. Is she very immature and sees it as an ego boost?

I don't understand the horror, really. Is it outside what we normally see? Sure. But I don't think there's much merit to the immediate assumption that there must be something 'wrong' with him! 40 is hardly decrepit.

Youth is attractive, that's pretty much it. So it's no surprise he's interested. And loads of women are attracted to older men - young men can be idiots/immature/flaky/unreliable etc. I regret a lot of those relationships back in my 20s.

So it's not something you see everyday but why everyone is baffled by it is a bit odd.

Absolutely weird. Who does that? Just declining shagging on the night should suffice rather than informing him of her menstrual cycle .

Tell her not to leave her drink unattended. He sounds like a creep .

It's a 40yr old man targeting a young seemingly naive and immature girl. It is weird and creepy.

Indeed. What I find weird is that she hasn't even met this man, so has no idea if she's even going to fancy him, yet has already decided she wants to have sex with him.

That's a bit worrying, in my opinion.

Yeah, like others, I’m also concerned that your daughter felt the need to say she was on her period. What were her thoughts behind that? I would be curious about that. No one can expect sex in any situation—eg is that what she wanted or did she think that would be expected. I’d have a conversation to understand what’s going on for her.

No she’s not. One is a bit of fun. The other has the potential for her DD to be manipulated and left raising children with a much much older man who will then likely die well before she does.

Or a 22 year old targeting a 40 year old man. It is most likely a bit of both.
Both are adults.

I have never done OLD or apps like Tinder, but people do match on them, talk for a bit, then meet for sex.

I think the biggest issue is her telling him about her period. She's pretty much told him she would sleep with him if she didn’t have it. She's told that to some random older man on the internet

You've completely missed my point but I'm not sure how I can make it any clearer.

OP seems more concerned about why this man wants an actual relationship with her daughter, than the fact her daughter is discussing her period with a strange man online before a first date.

True. I was this age when I dated a 52-year old man and it was all about sex - from me. I fancied him like mad and so did a friend even though he looked every day and more of his 52 years. The other young woman was quite jealous, I recall.

I went on to date a gorgeous man in his late 30s so very nearly 40. I fancied him like crazy too.

There was no effort at coercion or grooming on their sides. I was driven by hormones on mine. Sex drive is very high at that age and yes, the brain isn’t fully developed

Is she genuinely running to bed with him.....from a first date?What was this thing about period

He doesn't like the same things as her, she's 22 and he's much older.

The problem is that she's 22 so she can't see it. When she's his age she'll understand why it's not what she thinks it is.

It's gross and she should definitely steer clear.