To think there is no genuine reason a 40-year-old man would be interested in a 22-year-old?

[Frequency]

DD is online dating again and is messaging with a 40-year-old man. She is utterly convinced that he is interested in her as a person and that he is a genuine man. They like the same music, attend the same concerts, play the same games, and follow the same anime series.

I believe there are only 2 reasons a man this age would be interested in a 22-year-old.

1. He wants the kudos of bedding a woman in their 20s.

2. There is something wrong with him, and women his own age are too old and wise to tolerate his bullshit, so he needs to target women too young to know better.

For context, I am 44, and the idea of dating one of DD's mates is horrifying. I like them well enough. I'll happily sit and have a drink with them or a night out with them, but some of the things they say and do are childish and irritating, and I'd sooner gouge out my eyeballs with a rusty spork than be in a committed relationship with one of them.

According to DD, he works full-time and owns his own home, so he is not a basement-dwelling incel.

He wants to take her out for dinner on Monday. She's told him she's on her period, and he says that's fine, they're only going for dinner, and he doesn't want sex with her on their first date. He wants to get to know her. I don't believe him, but it's convinced DD even more that he is genuine.

Your daughter isn't looking for a serious relationship but rather a FWB type of arrangement. You've also said that your daughter thinks he's interested in a relationship with her. Which is it that she wants....a relationship or FWB, because a FWB isn't really a relationship (well not in my book!).

Is it possible that this man is looking for a 'sugar baby' type of arrangement? I'm not suggesting money is exchanging hands, but it could be gifts, weekend breaks, festivals, holidays etc. It's consideration, particularly as your daughter was frustrated by her ex boyfriend's lack of finances.

I wouldn't have told someone who I hadn't even been on one date, that I had my period. I can see where your daughter is coming from, he knows from the start where he stands. My thought though, would be a decent bloke shouldn't think sex is on the cards on a first date, let alone expect it!!!

This is not right but how do you want to proceed OP? If you tell her not to see him she probably
will anyway and it will all be kept very secret. My daughter went out with a 45 yr old man at a similar age. I hated it but just watched and waited for it to end, which it will. The difference in maturity is unlikely to sustain the relationship. It took 6 months for it to fizzle out and didn’t ruin my relationship with my daughter. It does need sensitive handling. At that age they think they know best.

I think having the same tastes, niche interests, certain personalities can make for a successful age gap relationship. Especially if she is more mature and he still quite youthful in outlook.

I'd be concerned if he had a habit of always going for much younger women. It's sometimes about the physical attraction to younger women but also the avoidance of grown up expectations imo which means there can't be any longevity. Which is fine if that's not an expectation. Other thing is maintaining own interests when theirs are more established.

YANBU to tell her to be mindful but YABU to get involved when you don't actually know the guy or how it might pan out.

Maybe he just finds younger women more attractive?
Which is true on the whole imo.
Question is what does she see in him?
An older man approached my little sister, she's 25 and I told her the pitfalls of being wirh a middle aged man, I mean come on you miss out on energy.
I don't care how fit some middle aged men are, they'll never be naturally full of health and vitality as men in their 20s!
Thankfully I got through to my little sister

I think the period thing is because she wants sex; if it goes well so was hinting they should wait until later in the week. She is genuinely on her period. If she wasn't interested in sex with him, I doubt/hope she'd be going for dinner with him at all.

It wasn't an excuse; instead of just saying no. Obviously, she's not going to tell me that. She told me what she'd said to him to prove me wrong because I've told her he is either unable to keep/attract a woman his own age because he's an arsehole and they won't tolerate him, or he just wants to shag a 20-something-year-old so he can brag to his mates.

She is convinced he wants more and is a decent bloke, and seems to be considering the idea of dating him rather than just shagging him once or twice a week. I'd be less worried about the latter, despite not liking it.

Like I said, as her mum, I don't like this; I'd rather she remained a virgin until her wedding day. As someone who has been in their twenties once upon a time, she is a consenting adult, and there is nothing wrong with enjoying no-strings sex if everyone consents.

And to be clear, I don't think that all anyone could be interested in with DD is sex. She's kind, funny, and intelligent, and has a lot to offer the right person. I think there are no good reasons why someone in their forties would entertain the idea of dating someone in their early twenties.

I am in my forties. I know plenty of people in their early twenties. They are children. They are not dating material. They're not even close friend material because they are children. They act like children even if they no longer look like children. Where they are in their life and what their goals are, what they enjoy spending their time and money on, do not correlate with mine at all.

The key thing here is that she hasn't even met the man and she's already "hinting" that they can have sex after she's had her period.

Again, they haven't even met and they're already discussing when they're going to have sex.

Can you see how inappropriate and potentially dangerous this is?

My parents had an age gap of twenty years. They met at work, so not quite the same as OLD, but they were happily married for forty years.

I have friends who have a thirty year age gap! When I first met then I wondered what I've earth was going on with them, but they are so well matched and such great people, that I barely even notice any more. But again, their relationship grew organically. It's the OLD bit that would give me pause if it was in OP's situation.

I would certainly be concerned. My age gap is 10 years and I do know people with an age gap of 19 who have a really strong relationship. There are all kinds of issues there though longer term. Would he want children in his 60s? Is he actually looking for someone with limited life experience he can walk over? I think you need to smile and nod a lot. If you voice your concern, you risk driving her more towards him rather than away.

In the TV programme - the older man is a friend of the mum not just some random.

@Frequency Just because their values and goals don't align with yours, doesn't mean all those in their early twenties are children!

I'm a 40 year old female and in a relationship with a 25 year old (male) and it is the most healthy, mature relationship I have ever been in. We both want the same things in life and he is most certainly not a child.

I don't think anyone can generalise about age gap relationships. If it works, then it works.

It isn't an edifying reason but the primary reason he is likely interested in her is because he is sexually attracted to her. I always recall a dating app releasing data on their users and it showed that the men on the app consistently preferred women between the age of about 20 - 22 years old. This was true if the man was 20 himself or 55 while women generally preferred men around their own age whatever their own age was.

I think the same data also showed that even if a man of 40 had an age range selected between say 35 and 45, they consistently spend more time looking at, chatting to and messaging women at the very lowest part of their specified age range and often much younger even if they were most likely to actually get a date with women closer to their own age.

Depressing but the data is fairly conclusive that men will choose a younger, and even a much younger partner if they can get one.

I don't know how old my aunt was when she met my uncle, but she must have been in her early-ish 20s. He was in his 40s. They married, had a child, and were happy together until he passed away a couple of years ago.

So yes, it can be a genuine relationship, even if you don't find in particularly palatable. I understand your doubts and worries, but it really depends on the two of them. Many younger men will come with worse problems and red flags than this one, probably.

Again....

Why would a 22 year old woman want to date a 40 year old man?

Your DD has chosen to go on a date with this man, why is that?

Very odd that she’d tell him she’s on her period before a first date. What has the world come to?

As with many online daters and men in general, he is almost certainly only or mostly interested in women below a certain age and it’s significantly younger than he is.

I think a lot of men would do this if they can. His response to her telling him about her period is also a bit creepy in my opinion. The normal response would be something along the lines of “why did you tell me that?” surely?

I am in my forties. I know plenty of people in their early twenties. They are children. They are not dating material. They're not even close friend material because they are children. They act like children even if they no longer look like children. Where they are in their life and what their goals are, what they enjoy spending their time and money on, do not correlate with mine at all

Oh ffs, here we go with the MN infantilisation of young adults. People in their early 20s are not children and do not, as a collective, act like children. They don’t have as much life experience as older people obviously, but that doesn’t make them metaphorically like children. Your DD is old enough to be married and a parent herself, old enough to vote, to own a business etc. I qualified as a doctor at 22. At 23, I was the most senior doctor on-site at night in a standalone psychiatric hospital.

As for why a 22-year-old woman would want to date a 40-year-old... Well, to be frank, some young women are physically attracted to older men. I was, at that age, though my DH was only in his 30s when we married.

A 40-year-old man in decent shape is still fairly attractive. And they may have things in common, enjoy one another's sense of humour, etc. It doesn't strike me as all that odd.

I am 31 and I have a friend who is 19. He is a baby. He still stinks like teenage boy and act like he’s invincible. He calls me mum 😂😂

At 22 I had a boyfriend who was 42. His daughter wasn't much younger than me.
We got on pretty well but it really was all about sex. I assumed being older and experienced it would be amazing. It really wasn't, he was a complete caveman!
It only lasted a few months but having mutual friends, we've always stayed in touch.
But yeh... minds CAN be in sync with that gap at that age..but it's not the norm!

A 40 year old man playing games and watching anime is weird. He sounds immature at best

Why is she telling men that she’s on her period ahead of a first date? Why is she sharing such personal information and implying she would have sex with him if this wasn’t the case?

Time to talk to her about boundaries and maybe what is appropriate to share with others ahead of knowing them.

A 40-year-old man in decent shape is still fairly attractive. And they may have things in common, enjoy one another's sense of humour, etc. It doesn't strike me as all that odd.

Me neither....

But OP only seems to think it's the man after one thing, which TBF she has no real right to judge especially when her own DD seems up for it and it's not her first time with an older man either.

There is a similar age gap between DH and I, albeit I’m older than your DD. We’ve been married nearly 10 years now and still click on every level

A lot of games and anime are 18+.

I think of it comes to just sex, its sort of ok. The problem is, its often not just sex, as both sides could have some deep issues that create a lot of emotions around the relationship - and I would not wish on any young woman to be in love with someone who is old enough to be her dad.

OP was a mother at that age! I don't understand the hyperbole of calling adults children on here.