To think there is no genuine reason a 40-year-old man would be interested in a 22-year-old?

[Frequency]

DD is online dating again and is messaging with a 40-year-old man. She is utterly convinced that he is interested in her as a person and that he is a genuine man. They like the same music, attend the same concerts, play the same games, and follow the same anime series.

I believe there are only 2 reasons a man this age would be interested in a 22-year-old.

1. He wants the kudos of bedding a woman in their 20s.

2. There is something wrong with him, and women his own age are too old and wise to tolerate his bullshit, so he needs to target women too young to know better.

For context, I am 44, and the idea of dating one of DD's mates is horrifying. I like them well enough. I'll happily sit and have a drink with them or a night out with them, but some of the things they say and do are childish and irritating, and I'd sooner gouge out my eyeballs with a rusty spork than be in a committed relationship with one of them.

According to DD, he works full-time and owns his own home, so he is not a basement-dwelling incel.

He wants to take her out for dinner on Monday. She's told him she's on her period, and he says that's fine, they're only going for dinner, and he doesn't want sex with her on their first date. He wants to get to know her. I don't believe him, but it's convinced DD even more that he is genuine.

Presumably she did too then with online dating? I'm not sure I'd consider an OLD filter to be actively trying on the same creepy sense I would if he was out in clubs at his big age trying to chat up women who weren't interested. Anyone who isn't interested in dating someone his age just wouldn't even see his profile for him to try and talk to him surely?

Yes, we have family friends who have been married for decades with a similar age gap. No abuse whatsoever, but now that the husband is old, ill and not particularly fun to live with I think she regrets throwing her youth away on him. She's super bubbly and a people- person and was clearly very attractive when young (still is) and the husband is now a boring old man.

Why the fuck are they talking about sex/ periods before a first date ? She needs to learn not to share so much so soon!

Bear in mind that its online dating, so anything he says is probably bullshit to sleep with her anyway

Say that beginning bit to all the men who only date plus size women on the down low because they don’t want their mates to find out. Women are status symbols to men in many cases. Not all but many do absolutely consider what other people see in their partner.

And if she really wanted a relationship with this guy, she's probably blown it with the 'I can't sleep with you because I'm on my period' rather than 'I'm not interested in casual sex' anyway. Sadly still even in this day and age, a lot of men aren't interested in actual relationships with women they think sleep around

At 19 I was shagging a 39 year old bloke with two divorces under his belt and kids not much younger than me. Honestly, it was one of the best and healthiest relationships I’ve ever had. He treated me with kindness and respect, we had loads of fun together, went to the pub, to the races and just chilled out, listening to music. It was more friends with benefits though as we both knew we had no future together as we were at such different stages of life. I wonder what he’s up to these days and wish him happiness.

I’d be more worried about the whole, period conversation before the first date, that’s super-weird!

Yes, what an extraordinary conversation to initiate. Talk about giving him the green light (on a promise) before he’s even pulled your chair out for you!

Obviously her daughter has to make her own choices.

But men tend to find younger women the most sexually attractive. That's not the same as them being likely to have LTRs with them. Most women in age gap relationships are a few years away from their partner. Men who want huge age gaps may be looking for someone to shape and control.

As I said OP's DD must make her own choices, but there's no harm in being aware.

It really doesn’t. I’m a SAHM and we split his income 50/50 into our individual names, and our house which is mortgage free is in both our names even though I didn’t contribute to it. We’ll get married at some point for IHT purposes. His ex partner was older than him, and he doesn’t have a history of dating younger women. I’m not worried.

Im so old I get the heaves at the idea of a man in his forties being into online gaming and anime.
As for their enjoying the same music…..he likes hers, or she likes his? Or they both dig Acker Bilk?

Most young women don't settle with much older and wealthier men though. Most age gaps are only a few years.

Lots of people in their 40s like Acker Bilk?

Who knew.

The age gap is uncomfortable to say the least. That said my parents had 14 years between them and my in laws 18 and she was 21 and he 39. Perhaps times have changed. I know I wouldn’t like it with my DD though so I’m with you op.

It doesn't sound like your daughter really dates with the assumption it's going to be looking for something long term.

So why would you care if this guy is long term? If it's a short sex/dating fling it will presumably be the same as the other guys she dates. They'll go out and fo some fun things and then probably that will be it.

Although clearly she is used to guys who expect sex on the first date, so you are potentially wrong that this guy isn't an improvement.

It's also weird to say someone wants the kudos for sex in this instance, most men are pretty into the idea of sex in general.

On reflection the only weird part of this is that a 20 something woman is involving her mum in her shag plans

Cut the apron strings before it gets weird, kid

I met my partner when I was 20 and he was 38 so same age gap. I’m now 37 and he’s 55. Kids, home, dog, life, careers. I wasn’t as open with my family about him as your daughter has been initially , if she knows the risks, let her have a go at the relationship. I think my parents being worried wouldn’t have stopped me.

I am trying to come from this with positive intent as a mum who is worried about her daughter.

Your daughter is an adult. You are overly involved in her life.

I had a fling with a 40 year old man when I was 20/21. It was fun! I've seen him a couple of times since (now in my early 40s) and its been great - friendly terms, happy to see each other. I am not traumatised by that experience, it was formative for me.

With respect OP, you need to let your daughter learn and be an adult. You also need to have some self reflection on your over involvement in your adult daughters personal life - and be there as a supportive parent when she needs you if (when) it ends in tears.

I think you both need some boundaries. And you as the parent needs to lead on that front.

Same!

I can see why she's going for him. I likely would too if I were her age (young men my age then seemed such boys and not men). It seems she wants to have sex with him, just not on her period

I’m sure there are plenty of young men her age whose motives would be sexual too.

Honestly it’s only this website where parents seem to want to go into the most toe curling detail with their adult DC. I’ve never, ever, ever discussed my sex life (potential or otherwise) with my mum. Isn’t that what friends are for?

Also this, I love that everyone’s acting like men her own age are all benevolent and only after true love in a truly healthy relationship.

Most men are after sex, and if the woman is convenient enough for them they’ll stick around for a relationship so long as it stays beneficial for them. Age is fairly irrelevant.

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle age doesn’t guarantee maturity though.

in any case if you want a fwb at 22, how mature the man is usually doesn’t factor much. When I was 22 seeking casual sex, I wanted to bang other hot 20 somethings! The one time I slept with a much older guy the post coital conversation showed the age gap. If he takes care of himself ok, but still makes me wonder why she’s not interested in younger guys…

I think some of you are thinking I'm more involved in her personal life than I actually am.

I know her Tinder profile says she's looking for casual fun, but would be open to more because we have thin walls and I was in the shower while she was talking on the phone to her friends while setting up her profile, not because she rocked up and announced she's posted online she was dtf and was hoping the local vicar and his wife would get in touch for a threesome.

I know about dates she goes on because she lives here, and we all tell each other where we are going and when we expect to be home out of politeness. If she texts to tell me she's staying out after going on a date, I'm 44, not an idiot. I could be wrong, she could be sat up playing Sudoku all night. She doesn't exactly stumble home the next morning and announce she did it doggy style for three hours. I'm not going to ask her to stop telling me where she is going or who she is meeting for obvious reasons. I would want to know who she was meeting and where, and if I should expect her home that night, regardless of whether she was meeting online dates or a best mate she's known since nursery school.

I know about this man because she asked my opinion on the age difference (and then asked her mates and disregarded my opinion, which is her right) after they'd been messaging for a few weeks, not because she tells me the in and outs of her sex life.