To think there is no genuine reason a 40-year-old man would be interested in a 22-year-old?

[Frequency]

DD is online dating again and is messaging with a 40-year-old man. She is utterly convinced that he is interested in her as a person and that he is a genuine man. They like the same music, attend the same concerts, play the same games, and follow the same anime series.

I believe there are only 2 reasons a man this age would be interested in a 22-year-old.

1. He wants the kudos of bedding a woman in their 20s.

2. There is something wrong with him, and women his own age are too old and wise to tolerate his bullshit, so he needs to target women too young to know better.

For context, I am 44, and the idea of dating one of DD's mates is horrifying. I like them well enough. I'll happily sit and have a drink with them or a night out with them, but some of the things they say and do are childish and irritating, and I'd sooner gouge out my eyeballs with a rusty spork than be in a committed relationship with one of them.

According to DD, he works full-time and owns his own home, so he is not a basement-dwelling incel.

He wants to take her out for dinner on Monday. She's told him she's on her period, and he says that's fine, they're only going for dinner, and he doesn't want sex with her on their first date. He wants to get to know her. I don't believe him, but it's convinced DD even more that he is genuine.

@Frequency He wants the kudos of bedding a woman in their 20s.

This isn't something that men consider when dating. Men don't give a shit how other people see them, or how other people see their partner. Men date women that they like, and other people's perspectives have no influence.

There is something wrong with him, and women his own age are too old and wise to tolerate his bullshit, so he needs to target women too young to know better.

The number of available women on dating apps is extremely low, and getting matches is difficult (even with swiping right on every profile, men may only get 1 match a month). So men tend not to filter women based on factors which have low significance, like age. He's ended up talking to your 22 year old daughter, but she is likely the only person who actually responded to him and engaged in a conversation. It's entirely possible that, if a 50 year old had responded to him, then he would have ended up dating a 50 year old. It's very unlikely that he deliberately targetted someone based on age.

I’m a fully grown adult and I take the advice of people I trust if I’m about to do something stupid as I enter a new or unfamiliar life stage.

There's nothing wrong with it per se. She's an adult and in her prime years in terms of beauty and fertility. If she's mature and likeable in other ways too then, why wouldn't he be interested?

I think for unmarried / childless men at this age, kids is a factor. Both she won't be trying to rush into having kids cos time is running out and I've gout tien to have them I na sensible time frame.
I'd be more concerned that she's intending to have sex on the first night of meeting men, and have a serious talk about going double Dutch on the contraception.

All you can do with this man is support her, keep your eyes out, welcome him in so you can judge him better and so she doesn't feel isolated and then she's more likely to be open about things

Just to add, there were no “daddy issues” here. I had my life together and, I think, I liked that he seemed to too.

I had known him as a colleague for a few years before we go together. Turned out he was a complete Walter Mitty, I fell for it because I was young.

I know some age gap relationships work out, and the age difference wasn’t a contributing factor as to why our marriage failed. It failed because of who he was, but who he was is why he’d never settled down age 42…or, it turns out, had a relationship lasting more than a year.

He can get lots of experience with kids getting know DD’s friends too

^This.

Obviously, I'd prefer her not to have sex with 40-year-old men at all, but she is over the age of consent, and no strings attached sex is what she wants. If she finds this man attractive enough to sleep with, as much as I don't like it and think he is sleazy for wanting sex with someone literally young enough to be his child, that is her business.

My worry is that this man is telling her he wants to date her with a view to starting a relationship once they get to know each other, and she seems open to the prospect.

Both of my daughters are in their late teens/early twenties, so I spend time around people in their early twenties most days. I cannot fathom why someone my age would want to date one of them. They're loud, annoyingly opinionated, cannot ever be wrong, yet need constant reassurance about the most minor things. And they overthink everything.

As I said, I get on well enough with them that I'll sit and have a drink with them if they're all around here for pre-night out drinks or to sit around our firepit, etc. I do have some things in common with some of them, but I'd honestly rather be in a committed relationship with Michael Myers than someone under 30.

I too am baffled as to what a 40 year old would see in a 22 year old who has told them they're up for having sex

My dad is my mums carer, he is 89 and she is 86.

Thats the problem with age gaps. If only they were the same age eh!!

Missing point but isn’t a Monday a strange choice of night for a date. Sounds like he could be in a committed relationship and stringing your DD along.

The answer is the last word of your post.

To be fair I think a lot of the younger generation talk about their periods way more casually than someone older.

I can’t see a problem I am a lot older than my wife and we have been together for almost 25 years so I wouldn’t worry too much

The answer was sarcasm, I think

Ah, hard to pick that up online (for me anyway)

I am more baffled as to why a 22 year old is talking about her sex life and periods with her mum. I do not discuss stuff like that with parents.
And then her mum posting about it online where the DD could potentially recognise herself.

Yeah…nobody would expect you to see the problem.

There are a lot of posts on this thread citing people with a massive age gap who have been together for 25 years (it’s always 25 years, for some reason). I would like to point out that longevity is no indicator of quality, and that there are plenty of women stuck in abusive, unhealthy and power-imbalanced relationships for even longer than that.

Yep. My gran was a carer for my grandad, and she was the older one.

I think that the most likely reasons are not in your daughter’s best interest (as outlined above). There is, however, a slim chance that he is genuinely interested in her for acceptable reasons.
My concerns are that you maintain an open and supportive relationship with your daughter. With that in mind I would caution her about your reservations, support her whilst she explores the possibility of a relationship with him, encourage her to share her feelings and experiences with you and be prepared to be supportive if she gets hurt. At 22yrs she is an adult, wants and needs to make her own decisions and part of that is by making bad decisions and learning from it.
We have two ears and one mouth, be prepared to do a lot more listening than speaking and virtually NO telling.
Good luck

Men and women are fundamentally different. It's well documented in psychology, sociology and in the academic literature.

Physically, men irrespective of age find woman around this 22ish cited range the most attractive, irrespective if they are 20 or 60 themselves. Women typically find men around their own age the most attractive. It's biology and reproduction, perception of access to resources etc.

That doesn't mean that is the only demographic men are attracted to, it's just it's the demographic they are MOST attracted to typically.

If there is an age gap the lack of maturity/life experience can be a turn off for men (it is for me with women much younger than me who can't hold a diverse conversation).

From the initial post therefore his attraction is even more understadable if the two actually do have lots in common to bridge the aforementioned experience gap I've mentioned.

She works weekends, hence Monday night. I also questioned that because to me, that says he has a wife sitting at home thinking he's at work for the night. He wanted to meet on Friday or Saturday night, but she works until late both days, so she suggested Monday.

Shes an adult she can do what she wants blah blah blah, HOWEVER i would find out where they are going on their date and i would turn up with a friend to show him up and embarress him and out him outright why he wants sex with my daughter, she may ignore you for 2 weeks after but problem solved, the world is a horrible place he is probably trying to bed girls much younger also

And at what age would your daughter have to be before you would consider this sort of behaviour unacceptable?

I'd be uncomfortable if it was my daughter so understand your concerns. However, from a rational perspective I know two couples who have lived long and happy lives together with a similar age gap like this. Both met when one was in their 20s, though not online.

Yeah, do that if you want to look completely unhinged!
Follow your adult DD on her date and do that in public.
I don't think it'd be a case of "ignore you for 2 weeks" - you'd risk permanent relationship damage (not between her and her date, to be clear, I mean between you and your DD!)