Elderly gentleman refused my help getting off the train

[givemeareasonto]

I’m getting the train to visit a friend today. On my first train there was an elderly man who had a suitcase and another bag with him, as well as a walking stick. He had assistance to get on the train.

I was getting off at the same stop as him and he was looking around a bit aimlessly, obviously looking for help. I asked if he needed a hand to get his things off the train and he scoffed and said “he wouldn’t take help from a woman”.

I left him to it, but to be honest it’s left a really sour taste in my mouth. AIBU to think this was a really dick-ish thing to say? I wanted to snap back at him and say if he didn’t want help from a woman, he shouldn’t be travelling with more than he can cope with, but I didn’t.

But that can't apply to every woman who watches me struggle and doesn't offer to help. I can't help as much as a strapping young man but for example I was waiting to get on a busy rush hour train, I saw a young mum looking anxious, she had a disabled child in a wheelchair, I walked over and asked if she was ok and she said she was supposed to have assistance but it hadn't turned up. I said you're not alone, I might be a bit old and feeble but we can do it between us and she laughed. A man came over so she was fine but you know I think even the fact that someone offered a bit of moral support made her more relaxed. Thinking about it I've also guided a blind man out to a taxi when assistance didn't turn up for him. I also spoke to a young man in a wheelchair who was looking anxious as his assistance hadn't turned up. I spoke to him and went and spoke to a member of staff at the other end of the platform who said he'd go get the ramp and it would be ok as the train couldn't go till he waved his flag. So although I have helped people with bags and little ones I've also helped in other ways.

I don't want to make people who can't help feel bad but it does surprise me about who offers to help. My theory is all the young men who've helped me love their grannies so want to help another granny.

You did a nice thing so it definitely shouldn't make you feel bad. Better to offer when help isn't needed or isn't wanted than to walk on by.

Man is offended by innocent offer of help and rudely rejects it: every possible excuse is made for him.

Women is upset by sexist rebuff: "Chill. Get over yourself. You're determined to be offended."

So men are allowed to be both offended by other people's behaviour and to say so, but women aren't even allowed to feel offended, let alone say anything about it?
Double standard strikes again.

Never understand the “they’re from a different time” excuse for older people having poor attitudes. I assume they weren’t teleported to the year 2026 from the 1950s overnight. They’ve lived through a lot of progress and had time to adjust to changing attitudes.

OP it does sound like he was too proud to accept help from a woman and I can see why it’d feel like an insult but in practice it impacts nobody but himself. I wouldn’t think anything else of it.

I think a lot of our mindset is firmly entrenched in our childhood and young adult years, though. Some people adapt to change very well but others really do struggle.

Look at technology, for example: the vast majority of the UK population who are not online and completely confident using the Internet are elderly. Even though it's been a commonly available facility in the country for at least a quarter of a century.

Banks tell us that 95% of in-branch transactions are made online, but that doesn't mean that everybody does 5% in-branch; rather that there will be many, many elderly people for whom all of their 'banking' (for anything more involved than withdrawing cash or paying for things in shops) means 'going to the bank'.

I just think that a great many people never really fully change their instinctive mindsets from when they were young, however long they end up living. Plenty do; but plenty don't.

People making excuses for his behaviour. He's probably been a mysogynist prick all his life.

Yeah he was rude and probably of a generation that doesn’t think men should need help from women. Good luck to him (and them!) if he ever needs carers. Don’t waste your time thinking about it.

How old are you?

I am assuming old enough to know that sometimes people are just assholes 🤷🏼‍♀️ His comment was not required but he clearly was a little proud and didn’t want help

Yup, agreed!! How dare the old boy refuse help of a woman.
No undeestanding at all that he lived through different times.
Feminism at it's worst 😂

Let the elderly man have his pride. None event.

Of course you would dear 🙄
In the real world you probably wouldn't have asked if he needed help or would have ignored him in the first place.

I think some men retain those sort of 'chivalric' (aka sexist) attitudes; I know older men who won't let a woman buy a drink in the pub. I'd not give this too much headspace. It was good of you to offer.

Yes he was rude, obviously.

Why you’re so bothered about the brief but pretty insignificant rudeness of a random stranger is the real question.

@BertSymptom "Never understand the “they’re from a different time” excuse for older people having poor attitudes. I assume they weren’t teleported to the year 2026 from the 1950s overnight. They’ve lived through a lot of progress and had time to adjust to changing attitudes."

Of course they're not teleported but there comes a time when your own personal
"evolution" (for want of a better word) stops. This can be to a greater or lesser degree but it is almost always the case, and a natural human state. So if you're now in your mid 80's, you've been well out of the loop and retired since at least the late 1990's. You won't be mixing with or exchanging ideas with much younger friends or work colleagues. And as you get older, most of us become less receptive to new ideas anyway. So even though I'm gender critical for example, I predict that in 25 years time I will be viewed as a horrendous transphobic relic. The next generation will wonder how the hell I could possibly ever have held such abhorrent views. I expect they'll piss themselves laughing about my fears for AI or building a moon base too. It's always been thus with every generation that goes by.

He sounds like a right charmer. I'd just forget about it OP. Not worth the head space as they say.

Rudeness is rudeness irrespective of age. I probably would have laughed it off. Wouldn’t give it the headspace you apparently have.

Irony?

I suspect the OP was getting the train home from the hairdressers…

Don't get me wrong, I too help people in other ways if I can. I think it makes the world a better place and I like to think it makes them feel better about people and then they will pass the kindness on.

Of course he's entitled to refuse help! Insult women in general, and one woman in particular, not so much.

I've ended up having lovely chats with people I've helped and people who've helped me and I think it's made me feel better. My favourite train memory is being on a 3 HR train journey with a baby GC. The train was crowded and the baby not happy so 90 minutes in he started screaming. I could feel how annoyed people were getting and after 45 minutes or an hour I went and stood by the toilet and put baby in the pram. Baby eventually goes to sleep just before we get off. Two men, probably in their 50s came out of the carriage as they were also getting off. One commented on baby sleeping and I said I thought I was going to get lynched if the screaming had gone on much longer. One said don't worry happens to everyone, the other one said "you played a blinder" and it still makes me smile that I played a blinder. They then carried buggy with sleeping baby off the train. Lovely men.

You offered, rightly, and he declined. End of story really.