Elderly gentleman refused my help getting off the train

[givemeareasonto]

I’m getting the train to visit a friend today. On my first train there was an elderly man who had a suitcase and another bag with him, as well as a walking stick. He had assistance to get on the train.

I was getting off at the same stop as him and he was looking around a bit aimlessly, obviously looking for help. I asked if he needed a hand to get his things off the train and he scoffed and said “he wouldn’t take help from a woman”.

I left him to it, but to be honest it’s left a really sour taste in my mouth. AIBU to think this was a really dick-ish thing to say? I wanted to snap back at him and say if he didn’t want help from a woman, he shouldn’t be travelling with more than he can cope with, but I didn’t.

I think if you've been brought up and lived a life to be the one who helps, realising you're now the one who needs help from the people you would have once considered in need of your help, having to accept your failing body, is probably pretty difficult to deal with.

I also think you were looking to be offended.

OFG sake, do you know how ridiculous that sounds. Why does everyone need to be offended nowadays and be so dramatic.

Oh I can go one better.

With an Asian colleague on a London tube around 10 years ago. My colleague had a seat. A old lady got on and had to stand. My friend immediately stood up and offered her seat to the woman. She scowled and said "not from YOU". She was really elderly and had looked so sweet and it really threw us.

I still remember that occasionally. It was shocking.

He was rude.

If a 16st man were to fall, an 8st woman wouldn't be as much help as a burly bloke.

Maybe that's what he was thinking.

(even if he wasn't a big man.)

As you’re determined to turn it into hate speech, there is no sense discussing it further.

You weren't there.

He might have said it kindly.

The world is becoming full of people who are always offended by anything.

He's of the generation where men offered women seats, opened doors, walked on the outside of pavements, and even in the past put their cloaks over puddles so women didn't get their shoes wet.

He didn't want a woman putting herself to any trouble.

Awful racism and hopefully it will be called out as such here, but why is it "one better"?
What is shocking is how many women on Mumsnet are willing to make every excuse going to defend an overtly sexist man.

What is shocking is how many women on Mumsnet are willing to make every excuse going to defend an overtly sexist man.
Absolutely.

Thank you for the kind comment, but the "one better" was really just a figure of speech. It wasn't that serious. I'm certainly not one to defend men. They're really getting on my nerves lately.

I get it's a figure if speech, but it is also ingrained in us that other protected characteristics and other 'isms' are worse than or more worthy of attention than sexism, so one to think about.

As you weren't staff maybe he thought you were going to rob him as some old people are very wary of the young these days (and rightly so in some circumstances). He just said that as an off the cuff response?

He wouldn't think of it as sexism or whatever spin you want to put on it. You offered to help, he declined your assistance. So what? Leave it at that. No need at all to start labelling the man.

If he was scoffing and saying it dismissively, then he's being sexist and offensive, and it's a shame to have your kindness repaid with rudeness, OP.

If he had been polite and embarrassed about it, then I'd assume it was just old-fashioned benevolent sexism/chivalry and just leave him to it without being particularly bothered, given his advanced age...but it sounds like he was rude.

So YANBU to think it was dickish.

Well it was hate speech! Even if fairly mild, and typical of his generation.

He'll be a long time waiting if he's waiting for a man notice.

Different generation. Let it lie.

If so, then almost every post on every thread on the feminism board contains hate speech directed at men.

I wonder what he would have done if a female member of staff came to assist him?

Directed at individual men who hadn't done anything to deserve it? Examples please!

I don't think it's very nice of a stronger person to walk next to a weaker person while that person is struggling.
It sounds like you like carrying things. I really struggle with bags sometimes so if my bf isn't carrying anything himself, I appreciate his help.

I'm in my 70s, often travelling by train with toddler GC plus buggy and bags. I regularly get young men offering help, sometimes older men very very rarely a woman. A couple of weeks ago I was trying to get off a train and a group of young women on the platform were making it difficult to manoeuvre the buggy off and not offering to move let alone help, a lovely young man got through them and helped me off.

Maybe the old man was shocked at a woman offering to help, I am on the rare occasions it happens. The only people who are less likely to offer than young women are older women. I am conducting a one woman campaign to change this and always make an effort to offer help.

Oh, the more you post, the more unkind you sound.

The reason I don't offer help with prams etc is because I'm not able to lift anything heavy for medical reasons.

Jeez. You sound bizarrely offended that some man refused your help. Well, he didn't want it. For whatever reason. He's entitled not to accept your help. End of, move on.

He might have been a dick, sexist, in a bad mood, rude, snapped or maybe it came out differently than he intended, ASD, no one knows, and does it really matter?

Funnily enough, my grandad, while alive, had similar; he told us. Also on the train. Not the UK, the trains have steps down them, quite steep they are, and then there's a gap. It CAN be a little scary if you're not used to this, or if you're elderly. He didn't have any bags with him, but he was struggling a bit down those steps. A young woman offered to help him, he said. He accepted and thanked her, but when telling the story to us, he did chuckle about it. Like: there was a time when I was helping young ladies off the train, and now I have to accept help from them. He said it in a nice tone, but deep down, he might have been a bit hurt/vulnerable. He was a nice man, kind, chivalrous, and NO, that's not the same as sexist.

I once offered help to an elderly woman whose bag ripped and her groceries ended up on the ground, with oranges rolling about. I'm a woman myself. She started waving her hands and shouting at me, probably thinking I was trying to steal her stuff or something. Now I could have become butt-hurt in a 'who the hell do you think I am, don't you see how well-dressed I am, I don't need to steal your shit'. But why would I? I just shrugged and moved on.