Elderly gentleman refused my help getting off the train

[givemeareasonto]

I’m getting the train to visit a friend today. On my first train there was an elderly man who had a suitcase and another bag with him, as well as a walking stick. He had assistance to get on the train.

I was getting off at the same stop as him and he was looking around a bit aimlessly, obviously looking for help. I asked if he needed a hand to get his things off the train and he scoffed and said “he wouldn’t take help from a woman”.

I left him to it, but to be honest it’s left a really sour taste in my mouth. AIBU to think this was a really dick-ish thing to say? I wanted to snap back at him and say if he didn’t want help from a woman, he shouldn’t be travelling with more than he can cope with, but I didn’t.

I think maybe a little empathy for an elderly person, the world he grew up in and the messages he received about what made a "good" man might not go amiss....it was very different to now, I very much doubt his response was guided by conscious sexism on his part. He will have been taught that men are strong protectors and not to allow or expect a woman to do something strenuous/something he believes a man should do. It's not the same thing as not wanting a woman to help because you hate women.

I'd feel far more aggrieved if a younger man refused my help because I was a woman. They should know better.

Different generation, different views, different meanings of words when said. You offered, he declined. You were good to do so and I'd leave the experience at that, if you can.

@givemeareasonto
I know you meant well, but he was entitled to say he didn't want help. He could have been a bit less brusque, but it is what it is. I have offered help to elderly and disabled people before (and people who are not if they look like they need it,) and have pretty much always got a positive response, and a thank you. (Not that I'm doing it for this reason!) I have had a couple of very odd and negative reactions when I have been 'chivalrous' though! (And felt like you - like, what the fuck?! )

Don't sweat the small stuff, you were kind and he didn't want your kindness. Move on, it's not a big deal. Some people don't want 'helping.' Some posters are saying this man was a 'dick' but what happened was a very small snapshot of his day, his year, his life. He could have been 'rude' for a number of reasons. Grumpy, miserable, sexist man, or a man who is having a very hard time in life right now. No-one knows, so it's wrong to judge really.

Presumably told her the same thing? It’s just baffling

Some elderly people lose their ability to be tactful as their brains get very old (we lose a lot of brain cells as we age) and make blunt (rude) remarks when stressed (or not!). I hope I am not like that but am probably going to find out (or people around me will) in the next 10 years or so.

He's in for a bit of a shock if he ever needs hospital or home care, as most of the staff in those jobs will be women 🙄

Not sure why you’d give this more than 10 seconds headspace: you offered help, he declined. His attitude was old fashioned and sexist, but he was old.
So what? Shrug, walk away, leave him to it and get on with your day.

I went with DH to a consultation about his arthritis recently (he’s mid 40s). The male consultant said that the majority of men live there whole loft feeling physically the same everyday. They can do the majority of the physical things they want to do. Then age or arthritis hits - for some not until their 70s. And it’s a huge blow to their sense of self.
He was being an idiot but this view men have of themselves because of how their bodies function is a large part of it I think.

Twattish man

His reply was graceless, but probably came out sounding worse than he’d intended. I’d have presumed he had been brought up to help women and now felt ashamed of his weakness. He could have put it more politely. But I wouldn’t condemn him. A lot of people get prickly about their disabilities, because they’re mourning their lost health and strength.

Why are you so angry OP? It's nothing personal. He's probably humiliated at not being able to manage after s lifetime of helping other people especially women.

Of course he shouldn't have snapped at you.

He was rude and sexist. You were polite and helpful.

I know which one I'd rather be.

Please don't stop offering help who need it because of one idiot. My elderly mum still travels into London for the theatre. It warms my heart when she tells me how many people offer her their seat, carry her bag upstairs, check she is OK etc. It makes her trips possible.

Neither is mysogeny but unfortunately that’s not going to stop it happening.

I once worked for a removals company. We had a job clearing a large house for an elderly woman who was downsizing to an apartment in sheltered accommodation so all of her furniture was going to the auction house.

She was absolutely FURIOUS to see her precious furniture being handled by a woman, her son had to escort her off the premises because she couldn’t keep her mouth shut 😂

These people are from a completely different time, the mindset is berserk. Thankfully their attitudes are dying out with them. Think of your encounter with his as a little jaunt into the past, a visit to a living museum 😂

The guy may have had mental health issues. He was certainly rude and tactless.

You were lovely. He was a sexist fool. Old people can be arseholes too.

He would I suspect have felt in the past that as a man he should help a woman, not accept help from one. And felt too proud to do so.
He was ungracious in his refusal of help.

Are you always so awful?

More like a cantankerous old git if you ask me 🤣🤣

I agree. Also, people with age-related health problems such as joint stiffness or muscle deterioration are often in constant pain, especially when travelling. Pain often makes people irritable. I’d just smile and move on.

Fuck him. Soppy old duffer.

I wouldn’t think too much of it, it was kind of you to offer. My elderly mother travels up and down the country on trains. She needs help getting bags up and down from the overhead things and often on and off the actual train. She is always so grateful when people offer, and also isn’t afraid to ask for help and every time people have been 100% kind and have helped her as needed. So please don’t let this one person stop you from offering again.

Not everyone who’s a cunt has “mental health issues”

You don't know what else is going on with him.
Some types of dementia/ brain changes result in behavioural changes.

Yeah, sounds very dementia to me