Elderly gentleman refused my help getting off the train

[givemeareasonto]

I’m getting the train to visit a friend today. On my first train there was an elderly man who had a suitcase and another bag with him, as well as a walking stick. He had assistance to get on the train.

I was getting off at the same stop as him and he was looking around a bit aimlessly, obviously looking for help. I asked if he needed a hand to get his things off the train and he scoffed and said “he wouldn’t take help from a woman”.

I left him to it, but to be honest it’s left a really sour taste in my mouth. AIBU to think this was a really dick-ish thing to say? I wanted to snap back at him and say if he didn’t want help from a woman, he shouldn’t be travelling with more than he can cope with, but I didn’t.

How long till someone comes along to ask why the OP needed to mention his age and call her ageist, I wonder….

I don't think men should always do the carrying, but I do think the strongest person should offer to help and often that is the man.

Don't take it personally, you did the honourable thing and offered help where it was clearly needed.
His response is about him,the aging process,losing independence and needing help is hard to accept for some people both male and female.
By the sound of it he is going to need assistance from whoever can provide it soon.
If i were in your position id think poor man hes struggling to accept needing help and hes going to have to swallow his pride soon enough and thats going to be painful.
Im glad there are still kind people like you around in this worlD of me,me,me though.
I can understand you thinking "no good deed goes unpunished" though.

Where i usually get off the train there is a large gap between the train and the platform. A young blind woman was on the train and about to get out one day, and several people asked if she needed help which she politely declined. I was almost holding my breath as she got out which I realise is quite patronising as she's probably used to it and done it many times before.

In regards to the man in the OP , possibly he may have been more accepting of "official" help eg station staff who's job it is to assist rather than passers by. (If he felt embarrassed that he needed help) It seemed quite sexist but I would have shrugged and let him get on with it.

It's old fashioned manners. My dad insists on carrying my bag up the two flights of stairs when I visit despite being 75 with a heart condition and 8 stone wringing wet when I'm really quite strong and workout at the gym which he well knows. It's kind of annoying but not a deliberate slight. What's more annoying to me is my dad's blind spot over his ingrained sexism and his genuine and misguided belief that he treats men and women equally 🙄

Would you really? Because that would definitely be dick behaviour.

Maybe he was in a mood, some people find growing old difficult. He expressed his opinion, I'm sure most old men are not like that. I'm sure you'll get over it op.

I reported that comment. I bet if it had been a racist or other discriminatory comment it would have been deleted.

Yes, he is from the generation where men held the door open for women and let them go first. Would open car doors for women and then shut them. Carry bags for women, give up a seat for a woman etc.

I don't think the OP needs to be offended by it.

Omg what a drama. I would of just said are you sure and if he still said no just carry on with my day. I can completely understand why he didn't want help and if you can't open your mind to understand that, then thats a you problem

Agree with this. I don’t tbh In his response was particularly rude as quoted and couldn’t get myself worked up about this being sexist

You were kind. Leave it at that.

Why?

Anyone who is capable can offer to help. I carry heavy bags and heavy people at work all the time. I risk assess and know my limits, my male colleagues have a higher limit, it doesn't mean i can't and shouldn't carry up to my own limit just because a strong man is present .

Or, and here's a wild idea, get over yourself.

He is from the generation that feminism had to fight against to get our rights. Their treatment of women wasn't limited to 'old fashioned courtesy' (being nice to ladies on their terms) you know.
If he had been racist would you be cutting him the same slack, saying "poor old thing, that's what it was like back then. He doesn't know any better."

That’s a really interesting thought. Of course men don’t have to cope with the same sorts of ups and downs and physical issues as women experience every month (not to mention in pregnancy and childbirth if they choose those), but I’ve never thought of it that way before.

OP: The man was probably brought up to think boys/men should look after and protect girls/women, and not vice versa. He is struggling to manage life independently now but still has his pride. He should have been more polite and grateful to you, but was probably feeling stressed and anxious. You are taking it too personally.

Incidentally, he probably reacts differently to women whose job it is to help him, e.g. nurses.

"... it was a different world when he was young as it will be different when you are elderly."

This

In a few decades time the OP will discover that younger people dislike her views and behaviour, no matter how reasonable she now believes them to be

Or he might not.

I'm a paramedic and I've had a man tell me he's not having a women driving him in the ambulance. I opened the doors and told him to start walking.

I've also had many many men who are clearly incapable of walking due to there condition tell me how i can't possibly get them down the stairs and we'll need to call another 'male crew' to help us, but guess what, 20 years experience says otherwise.

You are lacking in empathy and understanding

I can't believe so many people are making excuses for this rude old man. Whatever his unpleasant thoughts the only decent thing would have been to politely decline the OP's help and thank her for offering.

Maybe he thought there was a risk you were going to steal his stuff. Older people can be very suspicious of people's intentions.

Getting assistance from the train station staff is different to a random stranger.

But he said "he wouldn't take help from a women" so presumably he wouldn't take help from a female member of the train station staff either.
Stop making excuses for him, would you make the same excuse if he said he wouldn't take help from a black person (or words to that effect!!)?

To be fair, often the only randoms offering help vulnerable elderly are theives who will run off with their stuff. He has booked disabled assistance and was waiting for it. I don’t blame him for being more comfortable with the station staff than you.

He just said something frosty to get OP to move along. I doubt he really meant it.

No he said because she is a "women" substitute "women" with black or Jewish and it is not "frosty". Frosty is just saying "no" without adding "thank you".