Elderly gentleman refused my help getting off the train

[givemeareasonto]

I’m getting the train to visit a friend today. On my first train there was an elderly man who had a suitcase and another bag with him, as well as a walking stick. He had assistance to get on the train.

I was getting off at the same stop as him and he was looking around a bit aimlessly, obviously looking for help. I asked if he needed a hand to get his things off the train and he scoffed and said “he wouldn’t take help from a woman”.

I left him to it, but to be honest it’s left a really sour taste in my mouth. AIBU to think this was a really dick-ish thing to say? I wanted to snap back at him and say if he didn’t want help from a woman, he shouldn’t be travelling with more than he can cope with, but I didn’t.

Only to sexist old men though! Women must put up with it

Tbh you are not coming across as that capable to me if you are so unable to understand different lives and perspectives.

Your resilience could also do with some work if you were not just able to shrug this small incident off and forget about it.

You must be exhausted being permanently offended

My previous comment was unnecessarily harsh! Apologies.

What OP describes as “laughing in her face” may well have been a good-natured chuckle and a “ooh no thank you dear, I couldn’t make a young lady carry these heavy bags as that just wouldnt do in my day 😊 😉, ho ho”.

I suspect the OP was so bristly at this “sexism” and lacking in thinking outside her own demographic experience that she interpreted his response as arsehole-ery 🥴.

Reasonable to decline help. Unreasonable to refuse it just because it is a woman offering.

I’d have left him to it and forgotten about it by the time I got to the ticket barriers.

I agree.

Just put the incident behind you, he was rude quite frankly, a few years ago a small oriental lady was struggling to carry a heavy suitcase up the stairs at a railway station, I offered to carry it for her, but received a curt 'no', I will never offer again.....🙂

“Sexist old men” = ageist young woman

Yes this, grumpy old fashioned man i would tut but not think about it anymore,

There are some awful people on this thread.

“Oriental lady” ??!!! 🥴

No wonder she told you where to go!

Aren’t there just?

It depends on his tone and what he meant.
He may have thought that if he stumbled, you'd not be strong enough to catch him.

It may also have been 'pride' and he felt that asking a 'slip of a girl' (how some older men think) was undignified and he'd feel guilty about your offering help.

I doubt he was being unpleasant but we weren't there to hear him.

If he thinks ladies are so precious and fragile he would have declined in a gentlemanly fashion, surely? And not like a rude git.

YANBU obviously!

He was unnecessarily rude and a simple ‘no thanks’ would have been better.

He may have been embarrassed, chivalrous etc etc but that doesn’t meant acting like a dick.
Hopefully it came out harsher than it was meant to.

That’s no better than a man complimenting you then calling you a bitch for not being grateful enough. A little reflection maybe into your own attitude?

Why is sexism wrong (which if course it is) and ageism ok and even encouraged. All the remarks such as sexist twat, old git, cantankerous git etc. Maybe the man was rude, maybe he didn't mean to sound rude , who knows, but all this ageism is very unpleasant. My husband is in his seventies and has mobility and strength issues which I know makes him feel vulnerable and emasculated. He would never be rude to anyone and is always grateful for any help but fgs does no-one have any empathy these days? The minute an old person does anything wrong, especially an old man and all the knives come out.

I think there are a lot of posters here who don't actually 'get' how much older people think.

Men in their 80s and 90s were brought up to help women. It dents their pride to accept help from a younger woman. It's not they think women are less capable, but that they don't like looking 'weak'.

Getting old and frail is no picnic.

Although it might seem hard to rationalise if you're young, I an fully understand how an old man feels it inappropriate for a young woman to offer help.

It's a generational thing, not necessarily purely sexist.

Might have been mine - there were times when he could have been quite rude to strangers.

Particularly the young woman from the DHSS - who had come to see if he needed any more help, equipment, carers etc.

"They've come to see if I'm dead"

Do you think that you are over reacting a bit?

I had a really embarrassing incident with a frail elderly man insisting I take his seat on the train. He kept arguing that gentlemen don't sit while ladies stand. I think for some it's hard wired and refusal (or offer to help them) is like saying they're too old to be a man.
In my case it promoted a young man to offer his seat, which I took to bring the incident to a close.
No excuse for your elderly man being rude.

In my experience, elderly can be perceived as rude. They are also impatient, confused, embarrassed, cognition is slower than their mouths and all sorts of other things and we put expectations on them that aren't in line with their reality. I think compassion and understanding go a long way for our elders but that's just my opinion. I don't actually agree he was being rude.

No excuse for your elderly man being rude.

We don't know if he was rude. We didn't hear the tone.

If he was struggling with mobility and embarrassed over it, he may have sounded shorter than he would normally.

You've got to give really old people a bit of leeway.

They aren't always going to have the best social skills in a stressful situation.