Elderly gentleman refused my help getting off the train

[givemeareasonto]

I’m getting the train to visit a friend today. On my first train there was an elderly man who had a suitcase and another bag with him, as well as a walking stick. He had assistance to get on the train.

I was getting off at the same stop as him and he was looking around a bit aimlessly, obviously looking for help. I asked if he needed a hand to get his things off the train and he scoffed and said “he wouldn’t take help from a woman”.

I left him to it, but to be honest it’s left a really sour taste in my mouth. AIBU to think this was a really dick-ish thing to say? I wanted to snap back at him and say if he didn’t want help from a woman, he shouldn’t be travelling with more than he can cope with, but I didn’t.

My father is 85 and very sprightly. However if a woman offered to help him, he would never be so rude. Age is not an excuse for being a dick.

Talk about sinking to someone else’s level. Not that far in your case.

I agree it’s hard to listen to attitudes like that OP, but sadly the sentiment is pretty typical of a lot of that generation of men. My issue though, would be with his rudeness. He could have simply said ‘no thank you.’ He sounds like a very unpleasant man.

I bet they are younger people, too.

Back in the day, whenever I was struggling downstairs with a buggy and shopping, standing heavily pregnant in a packed bus etc. it was always the scary looking teenagers, weed-scented crusties, overalled workmen, other mums with kids etc. who helped; rarely the “respectable” suited “gentlemen” who were far too busy and important.

I agree.
Try and imagine how tough it would feel to be older and infirm like this man. The frustration as your body gives up and you feel way past your prime.

Now add into that possibly (admittedly old fashioned) feelings about male chivalry etc etc.

I would have offered to help like you did, but if he refused the only course of action is to shrug and say okay, the offer of help is there before walking off.

There's another thread on here at the moment about a strange woman who is outraged that men are being polite and courteous to her, you know like humans should be to each other by default. At least you didn't have to deal with her 😂

If you’re baffled that an elderly man who grew up in an entirely different world could feel awkward and embarrassed by being offered help carrying his luggage by a woman, you need to get down from your high horse and have a think about things. You don’t need to be offended by everything.

"Chivalry” is sexism in a different suit

Just out of interest, do you feel the same way if, as a woman, you are on the receiving end of a bit of good, old-fashioned chivalry?

Example: Recently I was taking the train to the airport. I had a big suitcase but it was mostly fine, it has wheels. However, to get to the platform for the airport train there was one flight of steps it had to be carried down. I can manage my case and had already heaved it off the ground, but maybe it looked like I was struggling. Next thing I knew a complete stranger, a man, came over and said "Let me help you with that." Well I definitely think of myself as a feminist but I didn't have any hesitation in thanking him and accepting his help

I suspext this He's probably humiliated at not being able to manage after s lifetime of helping other people especially women.

Honestly let it go and forget the sour taste in your mouth nonsense. It doesn't make any difference to your life.

To be fair, some women wouldn’t like it if a man offered to help them - once a man in his 30s offered me his seat on the train and I declined because I was initially annoyed that he thought I’d needed it. I did think I was being a knob though because I had to stand for 1/2 an hour on a packed train 😂

This is horrible. Getting old is really tough. It’s a huge dent to your self worth to not be able to do the things you used to do. To feel vulnerable. To know you can’t defend yourself. When I was younger I did a focus group with old people and I was really struck with how vulnerable they felt. They knew they couldn’t even run from danger anymore, let alone fight anyone off. They didn’t go out after dark anymore due to this. One lady used to spend her days in a park watching the world go by and could no longer do that, as she could no longer get down the slope to the park, or up it again.

I am only early 50s but see myself staring down the barrel of this. My eyesight is poor without my glasses ( and increasingly even with glasses). If I forget my reading glasses I hate having to ask people to read things for me. I feel vulnerable about it too. I hate it. I’m aware that my running speed has slowed and my strength deteriorated. And it’s only going to ( rapidly) continue.

Men are stronger than women. Being so old that and obviously frail that a woman offers help, and that he needs help, must feel really shit to that man. Your kindly given offer must have been a harsh reminder of his incapability.

He might also be a horrible man, of course. But ageing is tough.

I once gave a sharp response to a girl who dropped money, when my H gathered it up to give it to her, the girl really snapped at him. I’m ashamed of my response now. That girl must have had a pretty bad life to have responded like that.

Wise words I once heard, ‘the greatest evil is to judge someone without first hearing their story’.

My mother is in her 90s. She knows what sexism is. And I think we all know fine well it's alive and thriving (see the Makerfield candidate for Reform etc).

I don't buy this "different world" nonsense. Im nearly 70.so I grew up in a "different world" too. But having been part of society all my life I have not carried the prevailing beliefs from the 1960s with me without a.fair bit of up dating.

You old man (scarcely 'gentlemanly'!) has chosen to remain sexist because it suits him IMO.

Maybe, but "no thank you" would have sufficed. Was no need to be rude

Totally agree with this. Always best to try to understand others where possible - I'm sure we've all inadvertantly come across as a bit of a dick at one time or another!

We all know that OP … that poster was just giving a potential reason as to why the man might have said it… they weren’t saying that’s what they thought. You’re misdirecting your feelings at them when they haven’t done anything.

That does sound rude. But I just remembered I think I said something similar to a woman when she offered to help with my mum's walker on the stairs.

We were in m&s and the lift was broken. I'm disabled but not visibly. A lovely seeming woman of about 60 offered to help, but I spotted a young male staff member at the bottom of the steps and said 'oh no. Don't worry. I'm not going to let a woman help, I'll ask this guy here'.

I said it with a smile and she smiled back. And I gestured to the staff member who was eager to help. She seemed happy enough with my interaction but I'm just wondering now if what I did was sexist?

He could have said no thanks. He could even have snapped a bit if he was stressed. But to specify he wouldn't accept help "from a woman" is sexist and he was making an extra effort to say those unpleasant words.

So yes, I think we can judge him, and sympathise with OP.

Chill. You have no idea what was going on with him or how he was feeling. Spend energy building tolerance, empathy, and resilience instead of energy here moaning and attacking someone because they didn't react the way you wanted them to.

Maybe you came across a bit forceful and grumpy so he didn’t want your help. Can’t think why

Why would you not let a woman help?🥴 we’re just as capable as men

Lord the be kind brigade are out in force today 😅

I grew up in more chivalrous times when there were strict rules about all manners especially how men should behave towards women. Through a 21st century lens these rules may look sexist but I for one miss some of them.
The man came across as rude (and of course might just have been a dickhead), but at his age he was probably taken aback at a woman offering help as it would have been so out of his experience.
I'm elderly and sometimes appreciate help (and love that it's offered) but at other times I just want to get on and forget I'm old and not as able as I used to be.
Give him some grace OP and try not to dwell on it. Don't let it stop you offering help in the future to someone else, you did a good thing.

Bloody hell. You have reframed your vicious spite as righteous virtue.

No wonder the world is such a mess.

My grandad was born in 1921 so would be 105 now if still alive, he wasn't a knob and certainly wasn't sexist!

Should have pushed him down the gap.Sexist twat.

The chivalry thing doesn’t sound right if he scoffed if you’re sure he did, so yes he was just cutting off his nose to spite his sexist face!!

This is also my experience

I was parked up in my wheelchair minding my own business outside a pub restaurant waiting for my cousin. I had several people approach me and ask me if I was ok and did I need help. I replied very politely to all and said I was waiting for someone, I was only there 10 minutes. Inside myself I just wanted to tell them to Fuck Off and stop Othering me. Why didn’t I have the right to just be like any other person waiting outside a pub?

once at a train station I had a German guy approach me and say he didn’t know what a pretty girl like me had done to offend God but he would pray for me 🤬

As to the old man at the station, he was rude, and it was probably pride but it’s exhausting being treated like you’re not like everybody else based on appearances