To have expected him to have said something?

[poorlytoe]

We had a date night planned as we both thought we needed to spend some quality time together so we bought some wine, agreed on a nice meal to have just us once the little ones had gone to bed which is 7:00.

Anyway about 6:50 just as I was upstairs getting the children ready for bed and looking forward to the evening we had planned, step son turned up baring in mind he is in his 20s and lives a 10 minute walk away, I assumed he wouldn’t stay long as Dh would probably say we had already made plans this evening but Dh said nothing while our plans went down the pan and stepson sat there until 10:15 before going home and all Dh could say was it wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know he was going to turn up.
AIBU to have thought he would have said something as we had plans?
I hadn’t bought enough ingredients for a date night for 3 so I didn’t end up cooking the salmon but Dh did open the wine and pour it 3 ways.

Learn what the word sometimes means, I beg of you.

Right now you sound rigid and hateful towards people who do not conform to your sense of the correct way to live. And sometimes, yes they'll be doing more harm than good. But sometimes they won't.

And you will find it much easier to have meaningful, pleasant conversations if you would just agree that humans are not data points. Human behaviour does not conform to all studies, because it quite simple can't.

And that's me done.

I will always put children first, and I believe in the sanctity of the family.

That's me also done - have a pleasant weekend.

In my view staying in is not a date. It's not ringfenced time away from the norm. You get interrupted by calls or the doorbell, the kids may not settle, the cat gets in a fight, the washing up needs doing. It is great to stay in with some nice food but it's different from a date.

So if a partner dies the surviving partner stays single?

I have said a few posts above, I think a death is a rare exception.

YANBU date night can't always involve going out. We have no one to look after our kids. It's going to be years until date night for us can involve leaving the house. It is still date night. You had plans, however unexciting. Unannounced visitors do not trump pre existing plans. Except in emergencies or traumas.

You were expecting to have quality time together and you didn't get it. You're entitled to be disappointed.

It wouldn't be hard to have said "oh hi, you alright? We weren't expecting you tonight so we have plans but you can stay for half an hour for a cuppa and a chat but then we'll need to get on. Is that ok?" Yes it should have been him, it's his family. You're responsible for your own families.

And the idea that it's his home because his dad lives there. Have a laugh. He's a grown man. His home is where he lives. I would never go to my parents house unannounced because I don't know if theyll even be in or if they have plans. But if did and they said they were busy if apologize and leave. I can't imagine their response if I claimed their house was my home

I come from a blended family and have my own blended family and it works perfectly.

Ah sorry. But your views are because of your experience of family courts. Most blended families don't go near them

But that's your view. In OP and her DHs view, this was date night.

And staying in is a valid date night choice for many families. It's the time together not the actual activity. A date does not have to involve going out and/or spending money. Sometimes DD goes to her grandparents for a couple of hours and DH and I take the dog for a walk. We consider that date time.

He should have at least acknowledged that there might have to be a change in plan and run it by you. That’s just being courteous.

Poor guy. He has a right to turn up at his father's house without calling ahead. If it was your dc, later down the line, you'd feel differently which makes it all the more unfair. You married him knowing he had a stepson so treat him like your own. He may well have just been in need of some home comfort and needed to see his Dad (still happens to children in their 20's and beyond and totally ok!)

To be fair you would say that.

People are acting like the stepson is a small child who would be turfed out on the street with nowhere to go. He’s a fully grown adult! How many adults just randomly turn up at someone’s house without asking if it’s ok first? I would not turn up on my mum’s doorstep without asking her first because of course she may have plans as OP and her DH did… Tbh I wouldn’t turn up at anyone’s door without asking first.

No my views are 50 years of clinical research.

Because it’s true, yes.

Ask your kids when they are older if they wished Mum and Dad stayed together.

I think all families are different in regard to just showing up. I can and have on occasion shown up at my parents and they can also to mine. It’s not often but no strange for us, on the other hand a girl I used to work with used to have to email her parents for essentially an appointment to go round! I realise that is on the extreme scale 😂

As others have said, you didn’t have a table booked somewhere. You were just planning a nice dinner.

Aren’t date usually going out somewhere special? If not how does it differ from eating together any other night if the kids go to bed at 7.00? Presumably you get to spend time together?

I don’t wish my mum and dad stayed together, I honestly cannot see how they even dated they are so different

I hope my children ALWAYS feel welcome in my home. I haven’t had an alcoholic drink in 2 years (and nope, not a recovering alcoholic, just haven’t happened to drink alcohol in the last 2 years), but if I got a bottle of wine in and some salmon for dinner I would put everything on hold to spend time with my children.

I’m in my 50s and my parents are in theit 80s. They had a horrid marriage and still do. I used to go to bed crying every night, wishing they would get divorced and split up. I still wish they had. They would have saved us all from a lifetime of misery.

It wasn’t abusive as such, but they hated each other and the atmosphere in the house was hideous. Had they separated and met decent partners with whom they were happier, my childhood would have been much better.

I agree. If someone pops in on the off chance then they have to accept it might not be convenient. That goes for anyone. It won't hurt anyone to send a message or call to ask if now is a good time to pop over.

Posters are being SUPER unreasonable claiming that this wasn't a date night or 'plans' just because it was dinner at home. An evening planned like this is really important for couple who otherwise struggle to spend time together.

Not everyone can afford to drop £40-60 on a babysitter and then another £80-100 on a meal out. It's perfectly acceptable to have home dates and the time should be protected in the same way.

Yes, OP, I understand why you're upset with him. I would have been too.

Are you suggesting parents should stay together no matter what? Bollocks!

My eldest is 30 and is glad we didn’t stay together.

My younger two don’t need to be asked because I’m still with their dad.

As for my childhood, I’m very glad my mum didn’t stay with my biological father, seeing as he was emotionally abusive (possibly because he was gay and struggled to process/come to terms with that back in the early 80’s, or possibly because he was just an arse who I have been estranged from for 19 years). My ‘step’ dad has been my rock. He has treated me no differently from my sisters, his biological children. I was also treated exactly the same by his family.

Same as my eldest. He has always been treated the same by my husband’s family. He even carried his ‘grandad’s’ coffin at his funeral.