To have expected him to have said something?

[poorlytoe]

We had a date night planned as we both thought we needed to spend some quality time together so we bought some wine, agreed on a nice meal to have just us once the little ones had gone to bed which is 7:00.

Anyway about 6:50 just as I was upstairs getting the children ready for bed and looking forward to the evening we had planned, step son turned up baring in mind he is in his 20s and lives a 10 minute walk away, I assumed he wouldn’t stay long as Dh would probably say we had already made plans this evening but Dh said nothing while our plans went down the pan and stepson sat there until 10:15 before going home and all Dh could say was it wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know he was going to turn up.
AIBU to have thought he would have said something as we had plans?
I hadn’t bought enough ingredients for a date night for 3 so I didn’t end up cooking the salmon but Dh did open the wine and pour it 3 ways.

You’d feel differently if it was your own young adult child popping in for the chat. If the little ones go to bed by 7, cook the salmon tonight.
It would have been ruder asking his son to
leave.

Surely working in the family courts you've seen the worst of two parent families too?

Can you genuinely say that some of those environments that have ended up with a relationship breakdown would be better for the children than a good step parent might be?

My friend has a teenage step daughter she loves like her own child. She actually lives with them rather than her mum and feels safer with my friend than with her own mother. Because her mum will sell her things to fund her own life, forget she needs collecting, forgot her prom.

Traditional families are not always best. Blended families are not always bad. These are facts.

Of course there are bad two parent families.

But just about every bit of research and clinical data since the 70's tell us children do better in married two parent families.

A really big massive one and I love it!

I have 2 step-parents, step and half siblings, 2 of my grandparents weren’t my biological ones.
My daughters dad died when they were very young (DH), I now have another child and DH. Daughters grandparents (1st DH’s parents) babysit my youngest, she calls them nan and grandad.
I have “step” nieces and nephews, cousins, grandparents.

We can all come together for family events and be in the same room!

Of course they annoy me sometimes but we all get along fine and I had a very nice childhood. My whole life has been blended with people that I am not technically related to.

But that still doesn't make all blended families the work of the devil, now, does it?

I think death is a very rare exception to a blended family being able to work.

And I am sorry for your loss.

Not the work of the devil, but rarely in the best interest of the children either.

Well I see I’m being unreasonable but Dh was just as annoyed as me.
I emphasise the wine aspect again for me as an exhausted mum it’s easy to get into the rut of just being parents navigating work, school and house chores so the chance to kick back have a few too many wines was something I was looking forward to.
The salmon wasn’t meant to be luxurious but the little ones hate salmon so we rarely buy it so thinking it was just for us I only bought 2 fillets which with the best will in the world is not going to feed 3 adults.
I do have a good relationship with SS and I have always supported him but I was disappointed.
Before anyone screams alcohol problem, absolutely not but I was looking forward to letting my hair down a bit as I’ve said we don’t go out because we have young children and SS wouldn’t ever want to babysit because he doesn’t want to, he’s just not that committed to promising to give an evening up when something might come up and that’s fine.
I don’t see anything wrong with setting aside time for each other which was Dh idea that we needed to chill with a drink and have us time.

On this page of this thread alone you've been given two examples of where it is in the best interests of the child(ren). But you aren't open to seeing the good in non biologically related family members, so there's no point in anyone even trying to discuss with you, is there?

Thank you. But I was in a blended family myself growing up, and I had a nice childhood and I really do love my step-parents, siblings etc. You always see the bad in the courts, but you haven’t ever lived in a blended family, there are plenty of successful ones.

In my family we don’t drop in, we wait to be invited. I know plenty of families are comfortable popping round whenever they want but that’s not us. Therefore, the situation you describe @poorlytoe wouldn’t arise for us.

I suggest you and DH have a discussion about what sort of arrangements suit you both. If he’s a drop in sort of person and you’re a purely appointment only, then a compromise has to be agreed.

I have been given examples by the parents, lets ask the kids.

I told you what the teenage step daughter has told her father. The other PP was the child. That is from the kids.

Experiences other than those you've witnessed in court exist.

I would understand if I had dropped in and hadn’t pre-warned and they had plans.

The DH is at fault here. He should have said I’m sorry, we don’t get much time alone together and we’re keen to have a quiet evening catching up together. The DS doesn’t live there and he isn’t a child, he’s a fully grown adult so he should be checking whether it’s ok to come over. I’d never just drop in on my mum without asking.

What is the difference between having a meal with DH after the kids have gone to bed , and having a meal with a few glasses of wine after the kids have gone to bed ?

One's a date night !!

As you husband was there when the son turned up, I would have expected my partner to offer him a drink and just mention he couldn't chat for long as you had a date night planned. Most people would understand that unless the son had something important to partake. Its his son not yours so it was really his place to say something.

But in the absence of this, I think I would have made some comment about being sorry you weren't able to invite him to stay for tea as you both had a romantic meal and night in planned.

And if your husband didn't back you up or moaned about it, I would have read him the riot act.

The son probably thought he was doing a nice thing (and he was) popping in to see you.

I go off studies and clinical data, not anecdotal evidence.

Unless there is extreme abuse, no kids want their parents to split up.

But whilst we all convince ourselves life is short and it's best for the kids, the west is going to hell in a hand basket.

Surely the answer us to change your stance on babysitting. So you havent been out together in 7 years?

You asked to hear from the kids. That would be anecdotal evidence.

What's best for a child is a stable, safe, loving home.

Sometimes that is two biological parents, married and living in the same home. Sometimes it isn't. And there's a world of in between best outcomes.

And I say this as a child of a two parent house, married to a child of a two parent house, all of whose parents grew up in two parent houses. And we are married and raising our child together.

I am just able to see beyond my own experiences and accept that sometimes what's best for one isn't best for another.

There is so much data and research done over the last 50 years.

Honestly, go and have a read.

🤣 Yeh and my son comes before that

Honestly, go and have a read or chats with people who have had better step-parents than parents.

I am a scientist. I love data and studies. But they do not stand alone, and working in the family courts I'm sure you know that while decisions are based on the research, the individual circumstances are also taken into consideration, because what is best for A isn't necessarily best for B. Because humans do not conform to data.

Quite

I am sure they exist, but it's an anomaly.

When you marry a man with children, they should be welcomed into your home. You were spending the evening at home anyway! I would never ask him to leave. Don’t you like your step children? Maybe you should not have married a man who already had children.