To have expected him to have said something?

[poorlytoe]

We had a date night planned as we both thought we needed to spend some quality time together so we bought some wine, agreed on a nice meal to have just us once the little ones had gone to bed which is 7:00.

Anyway about 6:50 just as I was upstairs getting the children ready for bed and looking forward to the evening we had planned, step son turned up baring in mind he is in his 20s and lives a 10 minute walk away, I assumed he wouldn’t stay long as Dh would probably say we had already made plans this evening but Dh said nothing while our plans went down the pan and stepson sat there until 10:15 before going home and all Dh could say was it wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know he was going to turn up.
AIBU to have thought he would have said something as we had plans?
I hadn’t bought enough ingredients for a date night for 3 so I didn’t end up cooking the salmon but Dh did open the wine and pour it 3 ways.

I’m not sure why, if he doesn’t have friends your hubby won’t get him to babysit for you. Maybe if he’s asked firstly you might get a night out and secondly if he thinks he’s going to be asked may not come round as much ? ….

I think turning up at anyone's house is rude and annoying. Why do people find it so difficult to text or ring ahead?

Thats ridiculous! Hes in his 20s!! Ive turned up at my parents house before and left straightaway when theyve been getting ready to eat dinner, or busy doing something, or about to have people round....i didnt come away devastated or traumatised...or felt hated.

If this was one of your darling children in a few years time, you would not be on the internet slagging him off for not having a life and having no friends. I suspect your husband is stuck in the middle and doesnt want to upset either of you. If you wanted the perfect scenario you shouldnt of got in with a man who had children. Anything can go wrong in life at any point and your child is always your child no matter their age. My children would always be welcome at my home no matter what, as I'm sure your biological children will be! I feel sorry for this young man. How would he feel if he read these posts!

I think it’s ok to be disappointed but it is unreasonable to have expected your partner to make him leave. He is his son. My children are young still but I can’t ever imagine a scenario in the future where I wouldn’t want them to feel extremely welcome in our (their) home when my only plans were dinner and a few glasses of wine.
I’ll be absolutely chuffed if my sons turn up to visit me of their own accord at age 20

You say DSS has no friends so I think he’s a little lonely, and therefore likes to see u and his dad more often. Nothing wrong with this but, it is excessive him not living with you and just coming at 5 and staying till u go to bed. Visiting parents especially on a week night usually means popping round for dinner, for a couple of hours after work. I see both sides, just that the actual length of visits are quite long and takes over your entire evening.

so it’s now trying to get this message across without offending him. I think you need to talk to DH as he should have a word.

also re: the date night he crashed, you both should’ve said from the start; ‘oh lovely to see you, come have a glass of wine with us and tell us what you’ve been up to today etc. then drop in that we’ve got salmon in the oven and we’ve planned a rare date night, so to properly catch up why don’t u come round for dinner tomorrow instead’.

This, @poorlytoe how old are your own dc? Small enough to be known as “the little ones” and in bed by 7, so very little?
is there a significant age gap between you and your partner or did he have his ds v young? It sounds like approx 20 year age gap between his dc and you have the view of “you have a new family, forgot that one”.

Yes, that's right. One's offspring must come first at all times, even when they are grown, the world must revolve around them at all times and their parents' relationship is chopped liver. 🙄

Tell me something, if OP or her DH were unwell/disabled and housebound, would you still say their taking an evening at home to make time for themselves and their relationship didn't matter just because it's not tickets to the theatre?

Nothing wrong whatsoever with saying 'Oh, so sorry, DSS, we've got plans for tonight so I'm afraid we'll have to kick you out once you've had a cuppa, but we'd love to have you over tomorrow evening (or whenever) if you're free?', or something to that effect. To say people must always drop plans for their children, even when grown, is mummy martyrdom (or daddy martyrdom in this instance) taken to absurd lengths. What, are our offspring literally never to learn, even when grown, that sometimes the answer has to be 'no'?

A lot of these replies are batshit! OP just wanted some alone time with her DH - bloody hell that’s not too much to ask when the SS goes round their house almost every day and stays all night.

People are saying he was abandoned and traumatised - WTF! She just wants a relationship with her bloody husband.

SS doesn’t need to be there every frigging night. In fact I would suggest they need to help him become more independent.

I’m sure they can still see him often without it impacting their date nights - jeez!

Largely untrue. Default is 50/50 unless there’s abuse involved or one parent - almost always the father - doesn’t want it. If he wanted more than one night a week with his child he’d have got it. Say they split when the kid was 10 he’s spent only 500 nights with him - no wonder he’s desperate now for connection with his father. And imagine growing up with a stepmum who things ‘accommodating’ you once a week is a big deal.

I stand by it. Poor kid

Exactly.

Most likely when your own children get to 25 they will still be living at home anyway…

I don't understand why you and your DH are allowing this, OP. Yes, your DH should have said, 'lovely to see you, son, but @poorlytoe and I have plans this evening, so we'll see you later in the week.' But why did you also sit there in silence?

Young adult children are often guilty of thinking their parents' world stops when they are not there. They don't assume you'll be out or doing something fun.

You said your adult stepson then ruined the rearranged date night by showing up again. Again, why didn't either of you say something? And why not just ask, 'please call or text before popping by, in case we're busy'?

Could you not have continued your date night after he left? 10.15 is not that late to still have a nice time together?

It's so easy when your children are small (like mine are) that evenings are taken over by cleaning, washing etc. Days together as a family are often taken over by kids, you don't always get that much time to actually speak to each other. Sometimes making a plan to say tonight is about us letting go of responsibilities and focussing on each other is important in the busy young children period to keep the relationship healthy.

It sounds like SS comes over very frequently staying for hours on end and OP accommodates that. Wanting to have one night just the two of them to connect is hardly a crime when he will likely be over multiple other nights in the week. I think the biggest issue is the walking on eggshells unable to communicate needs to each other. The fact the husband feels he can't say this makes me think there's more to the SS popping over all the time. And maybe he needs some support instead of everyone just pretending everything is okay.
But generally, I do not think having one night to yourself when you have adult children is a crime. Especially when you generally get no real time to yourself anyway.

Maybe he was happy to see his son. Still, well done to the OP for ‘accommodating’ the son coming over.

You would have gotten a lot more sympathy if you had explained the context initially, OP.

Again, it is good for everyone if you can find some reliable babysitters and there are ways to do this that aren’t expensive. Then you and DH can have some evenings out which it sounds like you need. Even a picnic in the park can be romantic.

My own adult son does just sometimes turn up as he lives very close to us, but usually messages beforehand to see if I'm in and I wouldn't be worried about telling him that we're busy, even if we weren't going out. He doesn't usually come round for more than an hour or so, though we do invite him for meals sometimes at weekends if we're having other family round.
DS is also pretty friendless, though he does keep himself busy.

That's kids for you. They will turn up at awkward moments all through your life. If you didn't price that in, you shouldn't have kids or marry someone with kids. A hard fact of life, I'm afraid.

Genuine question, then - do you believe parents are duty bound to drop everything for their children, at all times, for the rest of their lives? And if so, how do you suggest they ever learn that life isn't always going to go their way?

No, but this is a peculiar situation where the husband hasn’t really been a dad to the son when he was a child. He barely saw him. The adult son is probably hurting a lot emotionally - and I’m sure the lack of a decent father has contributed to his now lack of friends. They owe it to this particularly adult child to go above and beyond

How do you know all this? Oh yes, you don’t. You’re just making it all up!

It’s not a fact though, is it? It’s just your opinion.

No, of course not. But they do have a habit of popping up at inconvenient times! The trick is to have a sufficiently good relationship with them that you can kindly tell them to sod off when you really want to be on your own. I remember my grandparents telling my dad that he couldn't just rock up with us when he felt like it because they were just too old for that. All good, point taken, we'd still see them but by prior arrangement.
SS sounds lonely which is a shame.

In the circumstances I can definitely see your point. But I can't see it does anyone any favours if going above and beyond has to take the form of sacrificing things that matter to them as a couple. There are plenty of other days when they can invest in their relationship with him - saying 'yes' to everything he wants, simply because of the past, isn't a healthy way to boost him as an adult. Modelling compromise, as in 'this time it's no, but here's what we'll do instead' also has a place imo.