To have expected him to have said something?

[poorlytoe]

We had a date night planned as we both thought we needed to spend some quality time together so we bought some wine, agreed on a nice meal to have just us once the little ones had gone to bed which is 7:00.

Anyway about 6:50 just as I was upstairs getting the children ready for bed and looking forward to the evening we had planned, step son turned up baring in mind he is in his 20s and lives a 10 minute walk away, I assumed he wouldn’t stay long as Dh would probably say we had already made plans this evening but Dh said nothing while our plans went down the pan and stepson sat there until 10:15 before going home and all Dh could say was it wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know he was going to turn up.
AIBU to have thought he would have said something as we had plans?
I hadn’t bought enough ingredients for a date night for 3 so I didn’t end up cooking the salmon but Dh did open the wine and pour it 3 ways.

”It’s one thing to accommodate a SS every Sunday while he is growing up. It’s another to have him as a permanent piece of furniture as an adult.
He has never lived here, this has never been his home.”

Poor kid. Shame on your husband for having his own child there only one day a week when he was a child and shame on you now for resenting their relationship.

Your husband does not sound a nice man. Didn’t want to look after his kid growing up - and now doesn’t want to spend time with you. I guess now you know how it feels to be on the end of this man’s affections

I totally agree your DH should've at least hinted to his son to leave, if the son was in some sort of crisis or lived hundreds of miles away and came for a surprise visit it would be different, but as he lives 10 min walk away and I assume you see him regularly because of this, your husband should've made some sort of effort in respect of you.

I disagree with you. A couple have the right to have a date night in their own home, should they choose. They should not be obliged to have to go out, spending more money on that, and on a babysitter, when they have a perfectly good home to spend time together in.

Nor do this adult couple have any obligation to inform an adult child that does not live in their home of their plans.

I understand the whole child abandonment thing, it happened to my father, and yes, it did affect him greatly his whole life. I still stand by my viewpoint that this couple have a right to have a quiet night in themselves in their own home.

I totally agree your DH should've at least hinted to his son to leave, if the son was in some sort of crisis or lived hundreds of miles away and came for a surprise visit it would be different, but as he lives 10 min walk away and I assume you see him regularly because of this, your husband should've made some sort of effort in respect of you.

That was harsh. We don't know the details of the separation and what lead to the father having his son for one day per week. It may not have been his choice or fault. We simply don't know the details.

So many couples with children split up, MN encourages so many women with children to LTB. So there are a large number of children brought up by separated parents with varying levels of contact. Often fathers do want more contact than what they get. We just don't know the whole situation here and I feel it's unfair to admonish the OP and her DH over it.

How sad he doesn't have friends. Does he work? Can't he join a club or do a martial art or something?
If he's down or lonely there's Andy's man clubs.

I hate young people being lonely. But I understand your frustration.

YANBU
So let’s play devils advocate here; if you split up and he turned away one of your children, how would feel?
Thought so.

That should say YABU

It's hardy turfing them out, it's a sorry, bud we've got plans see you tomorrow maybe. I understand that some people think stepchildren are as fragile as gossamer but they really aren't.

It's got nothing to do with blended families, your bitterness is showing.

Why didn’t you just do it the night after? It’s his son!

Not unreasonable at all. He's 20, should of asked him to bugger off, why did he turn up for that long anyway?

He's 25

@poorlytoe doesn't he want a gf or bf? Maybe see if he'll go on dating or friendship apps?

Oh come on ..it’s one evening . Why shouldn’t his son “pop in” . Think ahead to how you would feel if your kids felt so unwanted .

You bot agreed that the night was to be for you and husband.

I would be disappointded with yoir husbands response..I would feel a bit secong class and overlooked tbh.

Let him know that .

The son is in his twenties and has his own home, which is as it should be.

this nails it. If you want a date night,go out. I have children in their 20s I wouldn’t dream of asking them to leave if they popped round - completely unreasonable.

Why are you accepting this?

Nah you don't get to gatekeep date night

How do you know what they do every night? She's already said they don't usually drink so was looking forward to that

How to tell us you don't have it in you to love a stepchild without telling us you don't have it in you to love a stepchild.

This is very poor professionally that someone working in the family court has such extreme personal views. This does bring to light the poor recruitment practices and process implementation of the family court.

Hang on a minute OP.
In one post you said your SS would never commit to babysitting incase something comes up he'd like to do, then in another you said he has no friends and spends all his time at yours. Which one is it?

Also if he's at yours all the time why wouldn't he babysit on the odd occasion and your kids must know him pretty well if he spends so much time with you?

You're not the poster who was annoyed stepson was coming around on Christmas day are you? The one who would jugde you getting trashed and playing drunken games in front of the kids?

Why didn't you start a thread about your real issue instead of making out it was about one night and then slowly dripping info about a completely different problem?

It doesn’t matter what it was for food or drink or the fact it was just in the house.

Why should she have to change their date night to another day? What if he came over tomorrow? You suggest she just keeps changing it to accommodate adult child?

Quality time is quality time, especially with young kids, you make the most with what you’ve got.

Sorry, but the adult children who don’t live there anymore just coming in and spoiling your, probably very rare evening just the 2 of you is entitlement. There clearly hasn’t been any boundaries made.

I don’t live with my parents anymore but I do still have a key, I just drop a quick text to say I’m popping in before I do just out of courtesy. It’s their house it’s not mine and they may have plans, they’ve never turned me away and always offer me food and drink bla bla but I would not at all feel any type of way if I rocked up and they said ‘oh love we’re just about to have a night in just the 2 of us we haven’t got enough food for 3’ I would absolutely take the hint!!

Boundaries need to be made here going forward.