To have expected him to have said something?

[poorlytoe]

We had a date night planned as we both thought we needed to spend some quality time together so we bought some wine, agreed on a nice meal to have just us once the little ones had gone to bed which is 7:00.

Anyway about 6:50 just as I was upstairs getting the children ready for bed and looking forward to the evening we had planned, step son turned up baring in mind he is in his 20s and lives a 10 minute walk away, I assumed he wouldn’t stay long as Dh would probably say we had already made plans this evening but Dh said nothing while our plans went down the pan and stepson sat there until 10:15 before going home and all Dh could say was it wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know he was going to turn up.
AIBU to have thought he would have said something as we had plans?
I hadn’t bought enough ingredients for a date night for 3 so I didn’t end up cooking the salmon but Dh did open the wine and pour it 3 ways.

If I ever rock up at my children's house without warning I always ask if they're busy and we have a relationship where we can actually be honest with each other and they either say yes we're doing so and so, just about to eat, or whatever and off I go...it's simple and polite to ask.

Nah...youre all being bloody harsh!! Hes in his 20s ffs!. And this is mumsnet right??? So any night or time we can get to mske it special is important!!! Id be pissed off too....if my kid turned up id give a cheeky wink and say were having a night in so come back tomorrow....a date night doesnt always mean going out!!! Some people cant afford it...plus taxis and childcare...it was supposed to be a nice night. Stepson needs to read the room...so does your hubby

It’s his son and her stepson! You would make your own son or stepson feel unwelcome in your home? Really? Would you do that with other visitors who popped in to see you? I can’t imagine under any circumstances ever saying to a visitor that they would have to leave as my husband and I had planned to be on our own that evening. I would be so hurt if my father said that to me and if it were someone else who made me feel so unwanted/unwelcome, I’d never visit again. Different if they were going out somewhere, of course.
The children go to bed at 7, the salmon will keep and she had one third rather than half the wine. She’s very lucky her stepson wants to visit and feels welcome. I would be very grateful for that.

Did he need something? Extra support or was he just popping in? I'd be livid unless kid needed support.

This feels like an easy fix. sorry, we have plans! Why aren't there boundaries with this adult child?

I understand your disappointment, but I would think less of my husband if he didn’t prioritise his or our kids over a booty call. Yes his son is a young adult but that means he likely needed to be with his dad for his emotional well being. You can have a nice night the two of you some other time. And it’s good practice because your little ones won’t be little forever. In a few years you two will need to get creative.

I am sorry but this is really unreasonable. Not on to take over someone’s life? The cheek. This is his son that has never lived with his dad. You should both feel blessed that as an adult he wants to build the relationship he should have had with his dad. You would not think the same of your children would you? That they’re taking over your life if you see them more than for a Sunday visit?

Just have him babysit and go OUT the house for a date.

Really? There are couples that do not have anyone to step up with childcare and that it the best they can do.

OP I don't feel you were unreasonable at all

Plenty of blended families work. It just means the grown ups need to act like grown ups.

It doesn't say he never lived with his dad. Just that he never lived in that house. They could have moved in together after he left for uni or moved to his own place after working, or quite simply just moved recently.

He's 25, if you look at uni as the norm that's 7 years in which they could have moved into a place in which he has never lived.

It kind of does say he never lived with his dad:
It’s one thing to accommodate a SS every Sunday while he is growing up.

Facts are facts, don't talk utter bollocks 😂

Maybe not while they were together. Who knows the set up prior to that. Or his age when they got together.

I'm willing to bet a 15 year old, for example, might choose to just visit rather than stay over. Based on my cousins who never WANTED to stay at their dads.

Yanbu at all - time is so scarce and precious when you have young DC.i dont know how you didn’t say anything! I certainly would have - any adult would be rude turning up unplanned and staying the whole evening without checking if you were free first.

So your DH only saw his son once a week whilst he was growing up, and he never stayed over by the sounds of it. How sad and unwelcoming is that, you’ve never actually included him as part of your family, I feel really sorry for your SS. It sounds like your SS is trying to make up for lost time by spending time with his father which is why he is popping round, he obviously wants to feel included, poor thing. I don’t know why he wants to be around either of you, you and your DH sound awful. The fact you don’t have anyone that will babysit says it all, I can imagine you aren’t the type to have many friends.

It doesn’t matter if OP was with his dad then or what house they were or were not in.

My point was that it appears that SS only saw his dad on a Sunday while growing up from what the OP said. It then follows that as an adult, he will want to make up for all the lost time. Time his half siblings are getting, that he never got as a child. Her husband is VERY lucky that his son wants to establish a close relationship with his dad. You can’t treat an adult child that was left the same as you would an adult child that you raised every day of the week. They will have all kinds of abandonment issues.

Based on my cousins who never WANTED to stay at their dads

As I said, OP’s DH is very lucky his adult son is willing and putting in the effort to build a relationship with him. His dad didn’t prioritise him growing up, the least he can do now is not kick him out for a booty call he can have any other night of the week because he lives with OP, not the adult son.

YANBU

This sounds suffocating, I can understand your frustration.

I think you'll need to both set some boundaries and tell him that you'd like at least 2 evenings per week that he doesn't come as you both need time together as a couple. Then you and your DH set which days per week he's not to come. See if that helps at all.

"a booty call"? I'd hardly call some downtime together with your DH to reconnect and share some relaxation time without children around a "booty call". FFS the bar is low when a man and wife are not allowed to spend time together in case an adult child is offended.

They are allowed to spend time together. If it was a big priority, they should get a babysitter and go out on an evening letting the stepson know of their plans. The OP says SS did not know of their date night plans, so her DH couldn’t turn him away which is damn right he shouldn’t turn him away. Especially since DH abandoned him as a child growing up, his psyche isn’t going to be able to handle that like an adult child that never had that trauma.

It’s easy, just plan another date night and let SS know which night that is.