To have expected him to have said something?

[poorlytoe]

We had a date night planned as we both thought we needed to spend some quality time together so we bought some wine, agreed on a nice meal to have just us once the little ones had gone to bed which is 7:00.

Anyway about 6:50 just as I was upstairs getting the children ready for bed and looking forward to the evening we had planned, step son turned up baring in mind he is in his 20s and lives a 10 minute walk away, I assumed he wouldn’t stay long as Dh would probably say we had already made plans this evening but Dh said nothing while our plans went down the pan and stepson sat there until 10:15 before going home and all Dh could say was it wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know he was going to turn up.
AIBU to have thought he would have said something as we had plans?
I hadn’t bought enough ingredients for a date night for 3 so I didn’t end up cooking the salmon but Dh did open the wine and pour it 3 ways.

He has never had any friends, so he’s always just hung around here, it’s not on to take over someone’s life like that.
It’s one thing to accommodate a SS every Sunday while he is growing up. It’s another to have him as a permanent piece of furniture as an adult.
He has never lived here, this has never been his home.
He comes round without notice multiple times a week straight from work about 5 and sits there on the sofa until we go to bed. I want my evenings to myself and I have to listen to Dh gets stressed about him showing up all the time because he doesn’t want to upset him but he can’t take a hint when he’s outstayed his welcome.

Every time we give SS an excuse not to have him round or let him stay, he finds a solution and so stays anyway.

If he just popped in for an hour or two then that would be lovely but he doesn’t he takes over the entire evening and it’s just too long and too much too often.
If I invite him over for dinner then that’s fine but he’s then got to come the next night and both days at the weekend.
I expect my children to be around all the time because they are young children but from a 25 year old man it is all consuming.

Then you need to stop being so passive aggressive and just open your mouth and say something. It a very weird family dynamic to have. Just talk to each other, like a normal family would.

You are getting a hard time here OP which isn't surprising as it's MN and MN loathe a step mum.

Anywhere else on MN comments about a 20 year old would include the word adult multiple times. Here because he's a SS you are expected to to entertain the poor child of a broken home at the drop of a hat for however long he likes despite the fact he has his own home.

Anywhere else on MN unexpected guests are hugely frowned upon and people wouldn't answer the door.

It's lovely that you are trying to spend time together with your DH and planning a meal you don't normally have.

I am at the point when I'd be delighted to have some time away from my adult children (shock horror) and I really don't see why it's such an awful thing for a Dad to ask an adult offspring to leave for the evening and go back to his house that is 10 minutes away!

I don’t understand why, when he says he will pop over tonight/tomorrow, you don’t say, ‘sorry we can’t do tonight as we have plans’?

You are absolutely spot on.

Op, your DH HAS to stop this. It’s ridiculous. Your recent updates are very telling. You’re so frustrated and I cannot blame you.

I’m actually dreading the day my boys don’t want to socialise with me, so honestly if my 25 year old saw me as a key component to his social calendar, I would rejoice!! I think I’d invite him round specifically for wine and salmon dinner one night a week if he wanted to come!

I don’t accept that by the time children are grown up, you get no alone time. We get it now and ours are a way off adults!

The ops kids are young and live with her, so she’s not yet at the stage where you feel that delight when your adult kids come to visit, especially as she’s a strained or distant, formal relationship with her own parents to the extent she doesn’t feel able to just drop in. Even at fhe young adult age of her step son.

where as any parent with a good relationship with their child would be delighted when they popped in and happy to give them a glass of wine if not going out/

it remains to be seen of when her kids are that age she will begrudge them a glass of wine.

I can’t imagine ever turning away my child dropping by and my parents would never have turned me away, absent them going out somewhere or having a visitor (and even then I’d likely we welcome to stay with any visitor). That’s his son.

He's round multiple times a week for full evenings. It's hardly the same as adult kids who pop in once a week or those who forget to call.

I think there are some on here that has misunderstood.
Working on your relationship when you have children is important.

Would you prefer OP wore herself out trying to please everyone and then end up divorced because they never spent time together as a couple?
I sense a lot of broken relationships either in the past or possibly the future here.

Surely you could have just had your planned meal the next night? Not like you had a table at a restaurant booked. I do wonder if your attitude would be the same if it was your son rather than stepson who had visited

I don’t like anyone coming to my door unannounced. My sister, my parents, in laws. I don’t just show up at my parents, friends or sisters house either without asking if it’s ok first and make plans accordingly. I find it rude to just descend on folk personally, family or not. Plans are plans whether it be a case of eating salmon from the fridge, having a few drinks with your other half and having well deserved down time, it was a plan that OP was probably looking forward to that was shafted. Yes he should have said something and told his son they had plans and maybe call ahead next time.

Accommodate on a Sunday? You knowingly married a man with children and the way you talk about upur stepson is terrible. Surprised he wants to visit at all

My adult kids come around multiple times a week and have dinner or chill. It’s normal. I’m sure your own DC will do this too and you will likely feel differently then
I don’t think you really like your step son or enjoy his company which is another matter and one you need to explore. Your comments about it never being his ‘home’ are very telling. Most children of separated partners have two homes. A home with each. I wonder why you didn’t see your family home as that of your step son?
Maybe if SS didn’t have a home with you due to parenting dynamics as a child he is enjoying that aspect of his life now?
You also point out he has ‘no friends’. Is this fact or your assumption? If he is in his 20s with no friends that would be unusual and suggest neurodivergence- which would explain his lack of understanding around not staying over.
He sounds lonely.
It’s not really date night if it’s just a regular evening at home with a nice dinner. Most families I know would just cook or get takeaway for everyone.
When DD lived separately we’d joke she could smell dinner cooking or see the Deliveroo driver😂
Honestly OP this is normal and expected from a 20 year old lad

But what if they do?

Also if you feel he depends on you for his social needs you DH needs to examine why and support him into adult life instead of getting pissed off with him

I wouldn't have said anything to my son either If the plan Was to have dinner and chat ...

I think some of the comments have been a bit unfair, both ways.

i would suggest you start small - you’re more than welcome to drop in but not on X and Y days as we need a routine for us/I need downtime from work/we are starting pilates…

It sounds like he’s going round for food as much as company. can he cook for himself/has food at the place he sleeps?

I think it sounds like you are very accommodating of your SS and I don't think it makes you a terrible person to want some alone time with your husband! I wonder whether your SS is lonely. At 25 I wouldn't have gone to sit in my parents house both weekend nights. However, I think nothing will change if you don't just say to him, sorry love we have plans tonight, why don't you come over tomorrow instead?

I voted you are being unreasonable but then read more of your responses. This young man sounds lonely and you sound really accommodating. If he's round that much I don't see why he can't babysit given how much you do for him and then you get a night off. If he refuses, then that's showing his true colours and maybe be more upfront about your own plans on occasion.

No it isn't normal! Most 25 year olds would have better things to do with their time than constantly intruding on his father and stepmother to the extent that they never have a peaceful evening without his uninvited presence. Having said that, the OP has a DH problem - yet another useless and spineless man who is incapable of telling his son that married couples are entitled to enjoy some privacy in their own home!

I think that’s unfair. Blended families can work, but only when both adults accept any children as children of the family. I would never kick my child out because I’d planned to cook a nice meal and I certainly wouldn’t expect my DH to do it to his (adult) children.

So glad you are not my stepmother! I love it when my stepson or any of my children pop round. How sad you must be.

I wonder if you hit an age as they get older where this changes: maybe when mine were small I’d have felt the same way, but now I’m just imagining them not being there and how glad I’d be to have them back!

If this were my parents, they’d have just poured me a glass of wine and served me dinner, or maybe ordered takeaway. It feels very ‘my children vs step child’ if I’m honest

O.P. you are totally right to feel outraged. Partner obvs feels more respect for son than he does for you. I would not stand for this. It tells you where you are in the scheme of things. Absolute sh*t way to treat you. I would be very angry about that.