To have expected him to have said something?

[poorlytoe]

We had a date night planned as we both thought we needed to spend some quality time together so we bought some wine, agreed on a nice meal to have just us once the little ones had gone to bed which is 7:00.

Anyway about 6:50 just as I was upstairs getting the children ready for bed and looking forward to the evening we had planned, step son turned up baring in mind he is in his 20s and lives a 10 minute walk away, I assumed he wouldn’t stay long as Dh would probably say we had already made plans this evening but Dh said nothing while our plans went down the pan and stepson sat there until 10:15 before going home and all Dh could say was it wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know he was going to turn up.
AIBU to have thought he would have said something as we had plans?
I hadn’t bought enough ingredients for a date night for 3 so I didn’t end up cooking the salmon but Dh did open the wine and pour it 3 ways.

Aw, that’s a shame, but I think if you’re not able to explain why he needs to leave, it’s not really an event. I hope you can find time to reschedule.

Depends what you typically do with your evening though, doesn’t it? Kids going to bed at 7 is only one part of the picture. My kids go to bed at 7 too. The rest of our evening can commonly look like: laundry, dishwasher, finishing off left over work tasks, admin like emails/communications that need sorting, packing tomorrow’s lunches, sorting out pets, shopping being delivered, etc etc etc.

It’s an incredibly common theme that parents of younger kids are very often too tired or spaced out to spend quality time with each other once they are through with everything they need to get done in the small pockets of time that they are not working or taking care of children.

Making the dedicated effort to spend undistracted time with each other by sitting down for a meal and making it somewhat special with a nice bottle of wine is important.

Surely you recognise the validity of being disappointed when something you’ve been looking forward to is rescheduled?

I would never turn up at my Mum/Stepdad's home uninvited/unannounced. It isn't my home and I just wouldn't inconvenience them like that.

Absolutely agree with this. We used to have our Friday night date night indoors even before the kids came along. It was the one night of the week we weren’t working late, going to the gym, going out anywhere. We loved our date night curry, wine and film snuggled up on the couch. In fact, we’ll definitely start it up again as soon as the kids leave home in a few years time.

I feel that a right thing to do would have been for the father to establish whether the son was just coming round to see him or whethere he had something important to discuss. If there wasnt anything important going on then he should have said that its great to see him but only has limited time /half an hour, hour?/ to see him as he has plans with his wife so not convenient to change them.

I dont see anything wrong in just popping in to see parents but obviously I cant expect it always being convenient for them.

Well if he was just as annoyed as you, he's an absolute sap for not telling his son something like "lovely to see you but Poorlytoe and I have plans, will we catch up tomorrow?". Unless, of course, he's just telling you that now!

I've never actually done "date night" (at least, I've never labeled anything my DH and I do as that), but I imagine the biggest issue with a date night at home is the lack of solid boundaries. Without a specific time commitment, plans easily get pushed aside if something else comes up. If you have a table booked or tickets to an event, you've a specific time and much less likely to get sidetracked.

Anyway I think people's replies are going to be mostly driven by their thoughts about family dynamics. On one side of the fence, people see it as a green flag when a man firmly prioritizes his partner over everyone else, letting his family that existed before the reason drop down the priority list. On the other side, people value a partner who maintains strong ties and still makes his family a priority when needed.

I wonder if you will think the same (if you’re lucky enough) when your own child drops in to just spend time with you in 15-20 years time. I suspect not.

Yes but plans change. We’ve planned nights in the past and then one of the kids has been ill - night ruined. It’s just life. Eating salmon and drinking wine can happen on any night, whereas turning a child away (adult or not) could have lasting repercussions on the relationship. I know which one I’d regret more, and isn’t that basically what being an adult is a lot of the time: choosing which situation you’re gonna regret less and going with that one?? Yes it’s disappointing but it’s realistically a very moveable feast (not a feast cause salmon but) so get the fuck over it and look at the positives.

I’m still certain that if my husband and I had a lovely night planned (wine, cooking dinner, maybe a movie or something) and my adult son turned up, I’d happily include him. Hell I’d include my teenage or ten year old sons if that’s what they wanted (they wouldn’t) because they’re great company.

Yes, plans do change. Are you never disappointed when something you've looked forward to doesn't happen, though?

It's not unreasonable to be disappointed that plans had to change, is it?

To me it would be a nice bonus tbh.

We did rearrange for last night but he popped in again and this morning we met up with him as was planned and we went to an event together which we’d already invited him to and so decided on tonight instead but he just rang about something else and I said see you on Monday as I am taking him somewhere which is also planned but he said he’ll be round later so, it’s just never gonna happen tbh. Salmon is in the freezer and I’ll probably use it for work.
I accept we will just never have time to ourselves. Am I pissed off? Yes as is Dh but we can’t do anything about it.
We can’t just rearrange for another time because we don’t know when we’ll have time to ourselves.

We thought by seeing him again last night and most of today would mean we’d likely get this evening undisturbed but nope, never gonna happen.

What a weird passive aggressive family set up you have….

And to those saying would I feel the same if it was my own child?
I would hope by 25 my children didn’t depend on me for all their social needs.

And there you go - the bitterness about the stepson comes out!

And You’d kept it in so well, so far!

Bitterness? It’s not normal for a grown up man to dictate your freedom.

Have you actually told him you have plans??

No she hasn’t! She’s just seething internally and posting shit about him here. As I said, a weird passive aggressive family dynamic!

Probably not, because then she'd be accused of being the evil stepmother who kicks out the lonely stepson who clearly loves them and just wants to spend time there.

She can't win here. She's annoyed privately and she's passive aggressive. She tells him they have plans and she's dividing the family.

Aye just tell him not tonight Dave me and your dad have plans see you tomorrow. Likely he’ll go okay see you then! Christ

When my stepson turns up unexpectedly it brightens my day. I would have popped to the shop and bought food to top up the dinner to make it enough for 3 (And another bottle of wine!)

It’s hardly unexpected when he spends more time here than at his own house.
How many times a week would your SS brighten your day with his constant presence?

Your original point was about one evening where your stepson came round without calling ahead first. Clearly this hasnt been happening consistently before then as otherwise you'd have expected the disappointment rather than be surprised by it and asking mumsnet if you were being unreasonable or it. Also is he really depending on you both for ALL his social needs? Really?! And if so, Id be asking him if he was okay/down or lonely. Many young men have well hidden MH issues that might present like this. If it is such a big deal and starts affecting your relationship as I sense some petulant adolescent behaviour on your part- sort it out! Tell your dh to tell his son that on xx eve we have plans just in case you were planning on popping in. It's not hard. Id address if he was okay though first without doing it in a way that shows your contempt for him

DH and I have a monthly date night at home. It still counts as a date night. We don't have much money for going out so make it special at home. Wine, candles, nice clothes, just us two.
My parents still do this too and if I dropped by on one of their date nights I would be told that they had plans.

Op I fully get why you're annoyed, I would be too. Maybe your DH didn't see it as a proper date