To think a lot of people “don’t want kids” because they fear repeating their parents, not because they hate children?

[CyclesWeAvoid]

It’s not anti-parenting, it’s unhealed childhood.

Aren't the people having the children they want just as "selfish"?

After all both sides are getting what they want.

I was strongly childfree for a long time. Had a terrible upbringing, like many on here. It was almost overnight it changed and I was so happy to have my DC. I feel I would have regretted my choice had I stayed in my original path.

I definitely think it’s not easy and I am conscious of not being like my parents. So far, so good.

If my DC decide to not have their own it wouldn’t make a difference to how much love I have for them. That’s their decision and I’m not going to interfere.

IME people who think it’s selfish not to want children are often bitter and envious. They may wish they’d never had children, feel they never had a choice, or never realised they had a choice.

We’ve had this argument innumerable times. Next some wide eyed idiot will ask why non-parents are on Mumsnet.
Some people want kids & have them. Great.
Some people don’t want kids & don’t have them. Also great.
Some people want kids & don’t have them which is very sad.
And some people don’t want kids & have them anyway which is really not good.

You are being ridiculous. There are many reasons I'd and my friends don't have children. Childhood trauma is not one of them.
In fact, the people I know that HAVE had childhood trauma have multiple children and admit they are addicted to the feeling of unconditional love and dependence.
Makes me think the child free have a more fulfilled upbringing to not feel the need.

I don’t hate children.

I had a glorious childhood and wonderful family.

i just couldn’t be arsed to come home from work and have to look after a child 😂

I sometimes struggle to articulate how insignificant my decision to not have children is/ was.

For me it's just the absence of a desire; I don't desire parenthood or a child in the way I don't desire joining the Territorial Army, or moving to Hertfordshire, learning to code, becoming a nun, getting a tattoo etc. Those things are all great for other people but just seem like an irrelevance to me and my life.

Hating children, as you put it, is not some harmless personality quirk. It reflects a profound lack of empathy and, in more extreme cases, can be associated with antisocial or even sadistic traits.

Unfortunately, your conclusion doesn't follow. The people most willing to have children are not necessarily the people best suited to raising them. Individuals with unresolved trauma, narcissistic tendencies, or even openly negative attitudes toward children often go ahead and become parents anyway. Children can provide a captive audience, a source of validation, control, or an outlet for dysfunctional behaviour.

So I'm sorry to burst your revelation, but both your old assumption and your new one are wrong. People with unresolved trauma have children. People who dislike or even hate children have children. In many cases, they are precisely the ones who don't stop to question whether they should. Meanwhile, the more self-aware, balanced, and conscientious people are often the ones who hesitate, overthink, or decide against parenthood altogether.

Same for me, just don’t want them

The 'OP' never came back.
The 'OP' never existed.

A truly foolish idea.

Oh look, another 3-word-username throwing out a ‘profound’ thought and leaving the room.

From conversations I've had with teenagers and early 20s adults, it's a fairly settled conviction that the world won't be nearly as livable as it is now by the time any children they might have are adults, and that their children would be living on a dying planet with a lot less inhabitable areas by middle age.

Judging by the number of mumsnetters who wash bath towels after a single use, mumsnetters who refuse to rinse and separate recycling, mumsnetters who won't line dry clothes, preferring to use a tumble dryer instead and mumsnetters who don't seem to care about the environment I think you may be right.

Exactly what I was about to say. I thought society had moved past assuming being childfree by choice means you hate children.

One of my sisters chose not to have children and she says that quite a big factor in that is because she is worried she would be like our mother. She was fairly terrible in all honesty and said sister has some similar mental health issues as our mother. The difference being that she has acknowledged them and got help where my mum still lives in denial to this day and our childhoods and my poor dads entire life was totally dictated by her mental health problems.

I had kids because I knew I could (and did) do a far better job than her. I now have to put up with jealousy from my mother because of the relationship I have with my young adult children and younger siblings. So, yeah, not wanting to repeat childhoods can be a deciding factor for some I guess. But I don’t know how common it is.

Nah. I love my parents and had a great childhood. I also love kids, just don’t want one full time thanks!

But but but it’s MUMSnet. (Said with wide-eyed faux naïveté)

I do not agree with this. I have been involved with children for over 50 years. I have none of my own because I never found the right person to procreate with. I have quite a few friends in the same position.

What makes you assume OP is ChatGPT?

I don’t have children, I’m 47 and never experienced any desire to have them. Even as a child I had no interest in dolls or prams. I definitely inherited this from my Dad who told me he never wanted children but it was expected in the 70s.
As a result I don’t have the best memories of childhood as my Dad had no paternal instincts, was constantly depressed and couldn’t wait for us to move out. As a result my mother struggled and was very strict and slap happy.
This is why you should never label someone selfish for choosing not to have children as I experienced what it was like to be brought up my a parent who never wanted kids. I have very few fond memories of my childhood.

The "it's not .., it's .." pattern is standard ChatGPT.

True, but it’s also part of natural human discourse.

It's not part of normal human discourse to just pose a viewpoint without any personal basis for the view or examples and then not engage in further discussion though.

I do agree on that point, and it's depressing when OPs start a thread and don't return, but that's been happening since long before ChatGPT.