To think a lot of people “don’t want kids” because they fear repeating their parents, not because they hate children?

[CyclesWeAvoid]

It’s not anti-parenting, it’s unhealed childhood.

I don't want children because I don't want children thats all.
Same way I don't want a pony. I like ponies, I'm just not interested in the lifestyle that comes with having a pony.

No, not spoken to anyone who has that view before. Life with kids just isn't for them.

OP are you the poster who does the 'profound' post plopping and never returns to the thread?

Probably a pointless question considering you're unlikely to return and answer it!

I don’t ‘hate children’ any more than I hate any other age group. I see them the same way I see adults - they are individuals, a few are unpleasant but most are fine in small doses. I support them and do what I can to protect their environment, their rights, and their future. I just don’t want one living in my house.

Never wanted them never needed them never had the urge for them.
I never played mummy games as a child either.
I dont hate kids they are just not important to me.
Nothing to do with how I was raised its how I am as a person.

Both my daughter and nephew don’t want to bring children into this world as it is. Neither of them can get on the housing ladder, and are concerned about AI and what social media is doing to the younger generations. My daughter is 30 and wishes she was born in my generation (I’m 59). She loves the music and the freedom that we had, I’ve got to agree with her 🤷‍♀️

I'd dispute the premise that people who don't want children must 'hate' them.
I haven't had, or particularly wanted children, because my life circumstances haven't been right for that to happen.

I don’t think that’s the case. Maybe for a few people, but I think everyone has unique reasons for not wanting kids.

I don’t want children because I don’t think my genetics should be reproduced. If I were a dog, I wouldn’t breed me! I don’t particularly like kids, so not really missing out, and I’d rather have my career and personal life prioritised over reproduction. My parents are great, if I were anything like them I’d be proud. No trauma, just common sense for my circumstances.

Yet these self aware people are the very ones least likely to repeat these toxic patterns.

Yes, I absolutely think this is the case for some but not all people. BIL and SIL are childfree by choice and he is very open that the reason he won’t have children is because he is still so traumatised by his childhood and is afraid of repeating the same mistakes. Dh, on the other hand, has always been very keen to have a family (we have 2 dc, eldest was born when Dh was 25 so ostensibly quite young) because he saw it as a chance to do it differently, which has been very healing I think (also for me, as my children’s childhood is also very different from my own). Dh and I both experienced considerable trauma - addiction, abuse, emotional neglect, deaths of our parents. Our children have had a completely different life - very happy home, with happy loving married parents, none of the chaos and dysfunction we had.

I guess the thing is that until you’re in it, you don’t know that can actually turn it around and do it right or if you’ll screw everything up just like your parents did. Dh and I were pretty determined though and I think we’ve done a good job.

I do worry about BIL though. He is early 40s and has finally hit the point where even the last of his friends are now having babies and his support network has really changed. He has his partner but she is younger and maybe will not last or may decide she wants children after all. He does sort of attach himself to us to get some of that ‘family’ feeling. But we won’t always be able to provide that level of support and our kids will grow up. I do worry he’ll be lonely or regret running from it for so long. But we all can only make our own choices.

You are starting from a premise that wanting children is the innate and automatic position for all when it is not.

Your therefore assume that there must be some "thing" that means people deviate from that. When actually, it can be that there is just an absence of want. Not a dislike or a reason or a fact you can pin the aberration on.

If you don't want a piece of toast, you won't be thinking about toast. It doesn't mean you don't like toast or previously had a nasty piece of toast or that toast is bad. It's just of no interest and therefore doesn't enter your brain.

Some people might want toast later, or they wanted it before but don't now. And some people will just never want toast. For all those times, toast simply isn't a factor in their lives.

I have no children and have never wanted them. DH feels the same. I don't dislike children at all but just don't get the maternal urge.

My first thoughts on the matter were when I was a child and could see how dependent my nan was on my dad. Nan's landlady had never married because it was expected she would care for her parents. I thought it was wrong that people - women especially - were expected to live their life for their parents and have their possibilities restricted like this. It wasn't deliberate with nan, she was lovely but was widowed very young. But it made me question having children at all.

When I was older I struggled badly to cope (and still do) with studying/work and with juggling work with other chores (I'm ND) and the idea of having kids added to the mix frankly scared me.

As many others have said, you're starting from a false premise. Very few people claim they don't want children because they "hate" them.

I would have loved children but I spent too many years with the wrong man!! Thankfully I had the sense not to procreate with him!
DH and I would have loved children together but we met later in life, DH has a long term health condition and works long hours so we decided together that we wouldn’t be able to properly parent the way we would both wish so we’ve decided to focus on ourselves and our family. We have a close relationship with my nephew and my cousins children so we put our energies into our relationships with them.
For the record we both had great childhoods!

I don't have kids because I have a great life with lots of meaning, and the benefit of adding my own kids for me personally doesn't outweigh the sacrifice that would come hand-in-hand (risk to my health during pregnancy, sleepless nights, constant worry, overstimulation, changes to my relationship with my husband, loss of freedom and independence, being less able to spend my money however I want including frequent travel to exotic locations, and much more).

I certainly don't hate kids - I enjoy the company of my very young niece and friends' kids of all ages. I also like then returning them to their parents and getting on with my own life.

Not having kids of my own has allowed me to be a real source of strength and support for children and young people in much broader ways. In my free time, I volunteer as a trustee for a charity related to child abuse. I've done career mentoring with disadvantaged teenagers. I have been able to support friends with kids at the drop of a hat when needed, including attending school meetings with a single parent friend whose daughter was going through a really difficult period, and taking other kids to school when their parents have become suddenly unwell. I paid for my friend and her kids and I all to go to Disneyland a few years ago, which they could not have done on their own. I'm open to fostering in the future.

In the meantime, I sleep in till 10 on the weekends and then wander to my home gym that would otherwise have been a kids bedroom then head off for spontaneous lunch with my husband or a child-free friend, then spend my evening researching our next holiday to the Maldives or Japan and buying overpriced designer shoes online 🤷‍♀️

Not another one of these AI-sounding faux-profound threads from someone with a username linked to the topic! How many do we need?!

More nonsense!

I'd say it's more to do with the type of world we're living in. So much crime and violence and hate and also the cost of living.

When speaking to my adult children and their friends who all say they don't want to bring children into a world with so much hate and not be able to afford to feed and house them.

This isn’t really an original idea is it. Some people don’t like kids but did the OP really think people were remaining child free because they hate children. 🙄

There’s so many complex reasons and childhood trauma is one of them of course. It’s not just trying not to repeat our parents mistakes/harm but sometimes trying to avoid doing that brings its own issues.
I know a parent who is so passive and terrified to impose any boundaries because they don’t want their child to experience the punitive and hurtful experience they had but they’re causing harm in a different way.

For me, putting aside my own experiences and my sense of how I would want to parent, it sometimes looks too fucking hard.

I love kids, have lots in my life, work with them and care deeply but I know a lot of very tired, stressed, skint people for whom life is hard day after day. When I was much younger I think I’d have been up for that but when the time came to decide if I wanted children, it was a no.

I don’t want that for my life and I definitely didn’t want my children to have an ambivalent mother. There are times when I feel broody and wish I’d experienced some stages of parenting but overall I don’t regret my decision.

Dear Lord, so now not wanting kids means that we "hate children"?
Caring about children's wellbeing, wanting to bring them up properly, understanding that one's lifestyle might not be suitable, taking seriously the level of commitment involved..... I could go on, OP!

Sure, sometimes. And sometimes neither.

I don't hate horses (love them, in fact). But I don't want one. Horses are work, expense etc. Not everyone wants the lifestyle that comes with kids.

I am childfree and I don't hate children. I couldn't cope with children and I dislike some things that are an unavoidable part of childish behaviour - high pitched noise, crying etc. but I highly doubt parents like that sort of thing either, the difference is that they can cope with it and obviously consider the good parts outweigh the bad.

If I had to pinpoint a single reason it's that I honestly don't like myself very much, and I wouldn't want to have to look after another human carrying half my genes and see all my traits and mannerisms being copied. It would be like seeing myself on a video replay 24 hours a day, I'd go mad.

Looks like yet another fake thread setting in opposition two points of view either or both of which nobody in real life subscribes to. So tedious.

I never wanted children and this was massively swayed by the fact my own mum abandoned me as a young child. She didn’t have a maternal bone in her body and I had convinced myself I was the same as I was so scared to repeat history.

I can thankfully say that I have a 9 week old baby who I absolutely adore and love more than I ever thought possible.

I will actively spend my entire life doing everything I can to make sure he knows how loved and wanted he is and to make sure I do the opposite of what my own mum did.

I think a lot of the time it’s the opposite OP. People want children because they want to prove to themselves they can be better parents than their parents were.