To think a lot of people “don’t want kids” because they fear repeating their parents, not because they hate children?

[CyclesWeAvoid]

It’s not anti-parenting, it’s unhealed childhood.

I don't know anyone who doesn't want kids because they 'hate children'?

There's a whole myriad of reasons why various adults choose not to have them.

One reason was because I worry they'd hate me. Or that I'd die on them. But my own parents were lovely. My dad did die when I was a kid though.

I don't know but what does it matter?

Not everyone's going to want children ever anyway and that's up to each person anyway

Why did you ever think it might be because people hate children? How random!

For some people it really isnt that deep. I didnt want children because I've just never wanted children.

No angst, no 'hate' of children, no unresolved childhood trauma.

I dont know anyone who hasn't had kids for either of the reasons you suggest.
Its generally been more about fnance, worry about the future of potential children or just not finding the right time or person they want to have kids with.

"It’s not anti-parenting, it’s unhealed childhood"

How profound

Finances, worry about AI, health troubles, the future these potential children might have score way above hating children. Also if you don’t really like your life why would bring anyone into it?

I’d go so far as to say the people who really really care about kids are less likely to have them or wait longer (and perhaps can’t face them). It is less about fulfilling a need than considering the needs of the potential children child.

That's certainly what put me off for a long time, although thankfully I changed my mind. I very nearly intentionally left it at one, as well, so I couldn't foster the same terrible sibling relationships my parents managed to instil between me and my siblings with their abusive, shouty, chaotic house laced with every favouritism. Although I did eventually have another, I still snerk when I see people on here insisting that it's not possible to be a decent or well rounded person unless your parents reproduced twice or more. In my parents' generation, the only children are the least fucked up by far and actually the best socialised. And even that is not a comment on having siblings or not... it's about parenting.

Someone on here once said that she'd never seen a truly fucked up sibling dynamic that wasn't caused by parenting (excepting things like additional needs) and the more I thought about it, the more I realised she was right.

Yes, I think that's a factor for some people. One of my ex's had a physically and emotionally abusive dad. My ex didn't want children and said he'd find it particularly daunting to have a son because of "that difficult father-son relationship". Given that some men can't wait to relive their favourite childhood experiences with their own sons, that made me rather sad.

Me too. Childhood was absolutely fine, I don’t mind kids but I’ve just never wanted any.

I like freedom, holidays and sleep. These are mostly incompatible with children.

I would have had children if I’d got pregnant, but we probably have fertility issues that I don’t care enough to investigate for the above reasons.

My parents were great.

I think most people who don't want kids have a life that they enjoy and don't want to change? Perfectly reasonable imo.

I don’t think many people who are desperate for children would not do it because of ‘fear of repeating parenting mistakes’, barring maybe extreme trauma.

Just like how people who really want children aren’t going to choose to martyr themselves and be child free.

In other words: It’s a single factor for people who weren’t really sold on the idea anyway.

People all have their own reasons for not having children.

For a long time, I feared that I'd pass on the inter-generational abuse that has been going on in my so-called dad's side of the family. However, my sibling has managed to avoid being like that as a parent, so I hope that I can, too! I just hope that I'm not as anxious about parenting as my mother!

This is what DP said to me a few weeks ago.

he said he doesn’t know if he wants kids and he doesn’t know if that will change. He knows how much it means to me - I lost my first three years ago tomorrow. He just doesn’t know. He lost his dad and he heard how his little brother reacted when they told him. He was 9 and DP was 25. He said “I heard the scream he made and I just can’t get that out of my head”

so he’s basically said he has unhealed grief trauma and now he suddenly doesn’t want kids. I have been devastated since. He’s now said he didn’t rule it out, it’s just how he feels and it was eating him up. I am fucking miserable now because there is nothing set in stone. We’ve not even been together a year. I said we don’t need to even talk about this for another 3 years, so why is it a thing now?

so yeah I agree. He doesn’t know if he wants kids or not because he doesn’t want to repeat his parents, he doesn’t want to open up the grief of being a dad when he lost his, and I don’t understand fucking any of it. We are not our parents.

Not many but they definitely exist especially in countries where women have education and choice. I think women do look at finances and quality of life.

Now this one is an engagement maker. Well done

The people I know who chose not to have DC made a positive choice to prioritise other things. Most are very active in the lives of nieces and nephews, and friends' DCs. It's not at all that they hate children, more that they didn't see procreation as the be all and end all.

DD works with childcare ( not in school setting), she doesn't hate children, she just doesn't want to be around them 24/7.

....or because they think they'll have a better quality of life without them? Or because they've never found themselves in the right circumstances to have them? I'm not sure choosing not to have children equates with hating them.

It’s why my sister opted not to have children (although I haven’t been in contact with her for 6 years so it may have changed). Given the abuse and neglect I totally understand. She said she’d have to have therapy for our childhood before having any and she’s not prepared to do that as it’s too painful. That was a far wiser decision than my brother choosing to have children, but deciding therapy was too much hassle. He repeated many of the issues in our childhood home in his home and has no contact with his adult age children and social service involvement with the younger ones.

One of my DDs doesn’t want children because she likes the fact she can do what she likes when she likes. She doesn’t really get involved in serious relationships either. She says she’s an inherently selfish person and doesn’t wish to change that. So plans to live by herself and dote on any nieces and nephews she has (we have 6 kids so a high chance of at least a couple). I think that’s much healthier than having kids because you feel you should.

I personally know four female senior teachers (two HTs) who have no DC by choice. All very committed to the children in their care, and to their careers. They don't hate children, but they are very aware that, despite the vast majority of teachers being female, headteachers tend to be either men or child free women.

This.

The complexities of human behaviour can't be reduced to the kind of nonsense you've cribbed from a dopey combination of Instagram and AI, @CyclesWeAvoid.

It's getting quite annoying, the way you keep posting one-line word salads with a carefully-themed username.