Sisters 21st or partners 40th?

[EzWin2]

so my sister and DP have birthdays two days apart and both their 21st and 40th birthdays fall on the same weekend. I have been with DP for 11 years and we have children together. He made it clear he doesn’t want a party so I have decided to take him away to Italy just the two of us.
My sister is 21 on the same weekend and has arranged a party. She’s now really upset that I won’t be there and is not talking to me. I understand she’s upset but I have always made an effort to celebrate her past birthdays and took her to London for her 18th and spoiled her. She’s making me feel guilty and now I don’t know if I should re arrange the trip to Italy for the week after (DP won’t mind) or just stick to my original plans and hope she comes round eventually? I can then arrange something separate for just me and my sister to celebrate but right now she’s not talking to me.

I don't see 21 or 40 as milestone birthdays so I don't think you need to re-arrange Italy. It was booked first and in my life, my DH trumps sibling.

I don’t even know what my brother did for his 21st. Nothing likely. His 18th however everyone got all shades of drunk 🥴

I often book little weekend away trips for birthdays. Saves them being just another day but with presents.

I agree with this. I had a big do for my 21st in the early 1980s and nothing at all for my 18th.

I would also say that a 21st is a bigger deal than a 40th birthday and personally I wouldn’t have booked a weekend away without first checking with my sister about her plans to celebrate. If your partner is happy to reschedule, I would do that.

A 21st has always been the big milestone birthday. They would always trump other milestone birthdays in my book. Growing up there was always 21sts happening. Even if people never had another party in their life they’d have a 21st

My friend changed the date of her 21st when I said I couldn't come as I was going to be abroad. Your sister could do that. You could give her the silent treatment if she doesn't 😂

There's nothing you can do about it now, you may as well go, but it does seem very poor planning, she was always going to be doing something on her birthday weekend and you would miss it regardless if you booked that weekend to go away.

She's being a bit OTT but I can understand why she is upset, 21st is quite a big deal as after that you don't really do a milestone until you're 30.

Go on the trip.

If your sister wasn't sulking like a toddler and you really didn't want to miss her birthday, then swapping the trip weekend would be a good compromise (depending on exactly how much more it was going to cost).

But given the sulking, I wouldn't put myself out for it!

It is about putting her first if you won't book something for your husband if your sister is wanting to do something.

the sister is being so selfish giving the OP the silent treatment because she's doing something with her DP on his birthday. She's 21. not 5. If she wanted her suster ti be at her party that much, she should have discussed it , not just assumed the OP would sideline get DP's 40th to suit her.

My experience is completely different. People celebrated their 18th much more than their 21st.

Im any case, surely an established partner is more important than a sibling?

Both birthdays are never going to change date so you knowingly booked a weekend away with your DH the same weekend as your sister is 21. YABU - why on earth did you not check

The sister could also have checked with OP before organising her party if it was that important to her that OP attends.

But why shouldn't she celebrate her DP's 40th with him??

Exactly!!

I personally would have checked what my sister had planned before booking it and/or let her know I had booked something months ago.

But I don’t think I even saw my family on my 21st and so I would have assumed she’d be so busy with her friends.

I wonder if there is a big age gap between you both, considering DH is 40 and if this makes a difference.
Does she see you as a parental figure?

I assume sisters party is on her actual birthday and that the sister assumed OP would only be busy on DH’s birthday, rather than the entire weekend.

Most people would mention that they’re going on holiday when it has been booked for months, even if they hadn’t spoken directly about their birthdays.

I would assume my sisters do not have any holidays booked over the next couple of weeks that they booked months ago, as surely it would have come up in conversation.

Op made plans well in advance her sister didn’t bother to check with her and only recently made plans.

She can’t expect her sister to not make plans on a shared birthday weekend just incase.

I HNRTFT - but @EzWin2 you only have 2 posts. Did you sister know about your trip and book a party the same weekend? If so she is being unreasonable.
I am assuming she didn't because - why would she do that ??
Unfortunately its just one of those things. I wouldn't cancel or rearrange your trip if it is going to cost you a lot more money. She is being ridiculous with the silent treatment.. these things happen. Sure she'll get over it.

Back again 👋

Also what if it hadn’t been op that booked it anyway.

What if the dh had made plans for his birthday on his birthday weekend. Invited op and she’s agreed.

Op should then what refuse to attend her husbands birthday event for her sisters only just planned party? Even though the husband planned and booked his first. Nope.

Tell your Sister to grow up as she is an adult after all.

I would have checked if my sister was having a party before I booked to go away on her birthday.
Who is looking after the children? If your parents are looking after your children did they not say anything about her wanting a party that weekend?
We've got a few shared dates in our family and we sometimes celebrate together so we just check before we book

i don’t agree, 21 has always been massive where I’m from (Midlands UK), my grandparents (Manchester), always told us 21 was the most important birthday. My daughter is 21 this year and we are treating it as big as her 18th.l - last big birthday until 30!

it stems from the Key to the Door tradition (not USA). My parents and grandparents presented me with a symbolic key on my 21st.

@EzWin2 I think you have been slightly naive to have not asked your sister if she was planning anything special on her birthday weekend, especially as your partner wasn’t that fussed. She is being quite childish but I would be pretty annoyed with my sister too.

also (sorry super boring info below for context, im just so surprised people on here don’t celebrate 21 as a milestone birthday!)

FYI: The "Key to the Door" Tradition: Rooted in medieval times, 21 was historically the age a squire was dubbed a knight. In the UK and Australia, it evolved into the tradition of gifting a celebrant an actual or symbolic key to the front door. It signified that the person was now economically independent, completely mature, and free to come and go as they pleased without parental curfews

Historical Legal Significance
Before 1970, turning 21 was the official age of majority in the UK. This meant you could not vote, enter into legal contracts, get married without parental consent, or buy a house until you reached this age. While the Family Law Reform Act of 1969 lowered the age of majority to 18, the cultural tradition of the 21st birthday being a major life milestone has stubbornly remained

University Graduation: For many, turning 21 coincides with finishing a university degree, acting as a double celebration for entering the professional workforce.

Second "Big" Party: While the 18th birthday is often heavily associated with legally drinking at pubs and clubbing with teenage friends, the 21st is frequently treated as a more formal gathering that bridges family and a broader social circle.

My husband/partner trumps siblings. And a holiday will always trump a party.

Your sister is being unreasonable, you can do something with her when you get home.

Her sister is being childish.

As the song goes...21 today, 21 today she's got the key of the door never been 21 before 🎵 🎶!

21 parties have been celebrated for a very long time! At least 60 years. It’s often together with graduation and sometimes with other friends. I think the op should at least have asked about any plans her sister might be making and their parents. As the 40th isn’t on the same day, both events were possible.